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    Notation/texte (1)

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Notation/texte
    Message de amat posté le 03-01-2019 à 21:36:22
    Bonjour,
    J'aimerais votre avis concernant un devoir que j'ai fait.
    Merci d'avance, ++
    xxxxxxxxxxxx
    Du coup j'aimerais votre avis sur un devoir maison écrit ( nous avions 1 semaine pour le faire ), suite au visionnage du film "darkest hour" en classe ( film qui porte sur la montée de Churchill au pouvoir pendant la WW2 ).
    La consigne était donc de faire une rédaction sur Churchill pour dire si celui-ci était un homme de progrès, de pouvoir, ou un héros. Le travail devait faire minimum 150 mots.
    Voilà donc ce que j'ai fait ( j'ai eu 10.5 sur ça, et j'aimerais une estimation de votre part sur le travail produit et aussi, ce qui peut-être amélioré ).

    In my opinion, Churchill can be considered from several points of view, as a hero and a man of power, but what makes Churchill all these things is because, above all, Churchill is a man of progressive ideas. Indeed, Churchill is a lot of things, but he is above all a visionary and an optimist, and his decisions are the reflection of his state of mind. His open-mindedness and perceptive power allowed him to see very early, before anyone else, how dangerous Hitler was and how important it was to act. But it was when he was elected Prime Minister that he had the opportunity to make a difference. And it is through his choices as such, that we can recognize his qualities of hero and a visionary. Indeed, despite the total opposition against him and the pressure of the other members of the government, despite the fact that he was alone against everyone, he kept his positions, and did what he thought was right, preferring to fight rather than submit, because capitulating was supporting the ruthless acts of the dictators Hitler. He remained strong and brave, even in the most difficult moments, and took the responsibility of his decisions (which sometimes were very hard decisions to make) by preferring risk taking to inaction. He was mentally strong enough to make sacrifices, sacrifices that could have weighed on his conscience all his life, sacrifices that could have made him a monster in front of the people, but despite all this, he continued to do what he thought was right, without any consideration for the consequences his actions might have on his own life (He put the good of others before his own). But he remained humble and not imbued with his power. Even when it seemed clear to him that he had to fight, he took into account that it was not necessarily the will of everyone and he has requested the views of his people.
    To the end, he assumed his difficult role as leader, and was a guide for everyone, the model of a straight, imposing man, who does not seem to know fear and who imposes respect, and who believes in what is just, in the victory of his nation, and who even in the most difficult moments remains strong and keeps the faith.
    It was his state of mind, his strength, his talent, his intelligence, his perception, his art of rhetoric, his art of writing and his optimism (especially his faith in his compatriots to recover in the face of mortal danger) that gave him the power to change things, the power to impose his decisions. "


    PS: je sais que imbued n'est pas le bon terme pour dire "imbus de son pouvoir" puisque imbued renvois plus à l'imprégnation.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 04-01-2019 08:47
    Considérations personnelles non admises sur le forum.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 04-01-2019 13:51


    Réponse : Notation/texte de lucile83, postée le 04-01-2019 à 09:09:16
    Hello,
    Erreurs en bleu
    In my opinion, Churchill can be considered from several points of view, as a hero and a man of power, but what makes Churchill all these things is because, above all, Churchill is a man of progressive ideas. Indeed, Churchill is a lot of things...répétition, but he is above all a visionary and an optimist, and his decisions are the reflection of his state of mind. His open-mindedness and perceptive power allowed him to see very early..., before anyone else, how dangerous Hitler was and how important it was to act. But it was when he was elected Prime Minister that...calque du français he had the opportunity to make a difference. And it is through his choices as such, that we can recognize his qualities of hero and a visionary. Indeed, despite the total opposition against him and the pressure of the other members of the government, despite the fact that he was alone against everyone, he kept his positions, and did what he thought was right, preferring to fight rather than ... submit, because capitulating was supporting the ruthless acts of the dictators Hitler.

    J'arrête ici car le texte est fastidieux. J'ai l'impression que vous avez mis les mots l'un après l'autre pour arriver au nombre demandé.
    Après une lecture rapide,je vois trop de répétitions,trop de calques sur le français,aucun exemple concret, votre texte est creux.La note que vous avez eue est bien 'payée'.
    Vous allez sans doute me trouver sévère, mais vous vouliez que l'on juge; c'est fait. Je suis sûre cependant que vous pouvez progresser.
    Je laisse la suite à d'autres correcteurs.


    Réponse : Notation/texte de amat, postée le 04-01-2019 à 13:47:13
    Hello,
    Non pas de soucis, je voulais savoir si justement mon texte méritait vraiment cette note, maintenant je sais. Après oui c'est vrai que le fond n'est peut-être top top, et au niveau de la forme, je vais faire attention aux répétitions et à la structure du texte.

    Merci




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