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    Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais
    Tout ce qui a un rapport avec l'apprentissage de l'anglais: grammaire, orthographe, aides aux devoirs, phrases etc.

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    Correction Lettre
    Message de lealy posté le 09-04-2007 à 20:37:03 (S | E | F | I)

    Est-ce que quelqu'un peut m'aider à corriger cette lettre?

    Dear Sir,
    We acknowledge delivery of our order No xxxxxx placed on 3rd October 2007. However, we regret to say that we have once more to complain of your quality services.

    Indeed, it was understood that these would be delivered within three weeks at the latest but the shipments arrived with two weeks delay.

    Furthermore, on checking the contents of your consignment we found that the packagings are not solids and some of the items were broken, unsaleable.

    We underwent a considerable damage because we missed many sales and we are obliged to return them to you at your expenses and ask you to arrange for substitute consignment without delay by express parcel.

    We hope that any future orders we may place with you will be executed with greater care otherwise we shall have to obtain my supplies elsewhere.

    Yours Truly,

    Merci
    -------------------
    Modifié par bridg le 09-04-2007 20:40
    Lettre => divers


    Réponse: Correction Lettre de marlond, postée le 09-04-2007 à 23:32:16 (S | E)
    I've suggested a few changes and spotted a few mistakes; all other bits seemed fine I know it looks like I've changed a lot, but it was really quite nice English.

    However, we regret to say that we have once more to complain of your quality services.
    -it's "to complain ABOUT something" here. You can say "to complain of something", but this really means "to be suffering from something (usually an illness)", e.g. "he complained of a sore knee". "to make a complaint about" would probably be better here anyway - it's more the sort of language used in this type of letter.
    -"quality services" - seems a little paradoxical - you're making a complaint, yet calling their services "quality"!

    Indeed, it was understood that these would be delivered within three weeks at the latest but the shipments arrived with two weeks delay.
    -"it was understood" - "we understood" maybe better
    -"with two weeks delay" - doesn't really work grammatically - "after a two week delay" maybe, or "two weeks after they were supposed to".

    Furthermore, on checking the contents of your consignment we found that the packagings are not solids and some of the items were broken, unsaleable.
    -"packagings" is usually singular
    -"soldids" - no adjectival agreement in English! (except for one adjective)
    -"are" should be past tense
    -"broken, unsaleable" - should be "broken and unsaleable"

    We underwent a considerable damage because we missed many sales and we are obliged to return them to you at your expenses and ask you to arrange for substitute consignment without delay by express parcel.
    -"underwent" - better: "suffered"
    -"a considerable damage" - no need for "a"
    -"missed" - better "lost"
    -set expression: "at your expense", not "at your expenses"
    -"for substitute consignment" shoudl be "for A REPLACEMENT consignment"
    -"by express parcel" - better: "by express delivery" or "by express post"

    We hope that any future orders we may place with you will be executed with greater care otherwise we shall have to obtain my supplies elsewhere.
    -you need a comma after "care"

    Yours Truly,
    -I'd be inclined to end this with "Yours sincerely" if you know their name, or "Yours faithfully" if you don't, for a letter of this tone.


    Réponse: Correction Lettre de lealy, postée le 10-04-2007 à 12:37:56 (S | E)
    Merci beaucoup pour ton aide Marlond
    ça m'a permis de rectifier ma lettre.



    Réponse: Correction Lettre de libra56, postée le 12-04-2007 à 12:59:43 (S | E)
    Quelques commentaires de plus...

    However, we regret to say that we have once more to complain of your quality services.

    The bit about "quality services" sounds strange to me. It's really the "quality of the service" rendered by the company that you're complaining about. So a better sounding construct would be:

    However, it is with regret that we must once again complain about the quality of your service.

    It is not wrong to say "we regret to say that we have once more to complain..." but it sounds a little awkward with the "once more" in between the "have" and "to".

    Indeed, it was understood that these would be delivered within three weeks at the latest but the shipments arrived with two weeks delay.

    The use of "these" in your phrase seems wrong to me. You're referring to an order, i.e. something singular. Same goes for "shipments". It's really the order you're talking about. I'd have said:

    Indeed, we understood our order would be delivered within three weeks at the latest but instead it arrived two weeks late.

    Furthermore, on checking the contents of your consignment we found that the packagings are not solids and some of the items were broken, unsaleable.

    Sounds very cumbersome, even with the grammar corrected. I especially don't like the word "unsaleable". A better way to say it would be:

    Furthermore, on inspecting our delivery, we found some items were broken due to inadequate packaging, rendering them unsuitable for sale.

    We underwent a considerable damage because we missed many sales and we are obliged to return them to you at your expenses and ask you to arrange for substitute consignment without delay by express parcel.

    "Considerable damage" isn't right in this context. Nor is "underwent" as has already been pointed out. Also, no need to keep repeating "we". A better turn of phrase would be:

    We suffered considerable financial loss due to not being able to offer the damaged goods for sale. We therefore find ourselves obliged to return them at your expense and request that they be replaced immediately by express delivery.

    We hope that any future orders we may place with you will be executed with greater care otherwise we shall have to obtain my supplies elsewhere.

    "We hope" is OK but I'd have used "We trust" in this context. I'd also leave out the "we may" (even though it's not wrong) to avoid repetition of "we". And the use of "my" is wrong. You need "our" (since everywhere else in the letter you use "we").

    So:

    We trust that any future orders placed with you will be executed with greater care, otherwise we will be forced to obtain our supplies elsewhere.

    Yours Truly,

    Yours faithfully,

    is more appropriate in this context.


    Réponse: Correction Lettre de lealy, postée le 13-04-2007 à 08:49:03 (S | E)

    Merci Libra56 pour tes explications qui vont me permettre d'ameliorer encore plus cette lettre.


    Réponse: Correction Lettre de libra56, postée le 13-04-2007 à 11:53:50 (S | E)
    De rien.




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