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    Need help for my cover letter (1)

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    Need help for my cover letter
    Message de ti_pimousse posté le 14-11-2007 à 13:56:27 (S | E | F | I)

    Bonjour à tous,

    J'aurais besoin de vous pour avoir votre avis sur ma lettre de motivation. Je maîtrise l'anglais dans la vie de tous les jours mais bon, faire une lettre de motivation, même en français, c'est compliqué...Si une gentille personne pouvait jeter un coup d'oeil à cette lettre pour un poste dans le tourisme, ce serait très sympa. D'ailleurs, il y a peut-être des corrections à y faire so...je suis à l'écoute de vos moindres commentaires.


    Dear Sir/Madam

    Due to my keen interest in the tourism/leisure industry, i am now seeking a position in that field thats is why i am very interested in the position you propose and believe that my education and employment background are appropriate for the position.

    I completed my degree in International Business and Marketing in 2005 and i look forward to developing a career abroad. I am seeking a position involving contacts in an international environment.

    As you can see on my enclosed CV, i traveled and worked in different countries these last years in England, Spain, Switzerland and Canada. Moreover, i already worked for the tourism/leisure industry in Club Méditerrannée in Spain and Switzerland. Before that, i worked as a sales assistant in a clothing store and as a comercial employee during my studies. These different experiences enables me to realize the importance of suppliers and customers’relationship, the importance to know customers’needs and to help them to respond to their needs. During these different experiences, i worked closely in contact with customers and i did the animation of the hotels where i work (shows, games, sports games).
    I consider myself outgoing, organized and with plenty of enthusiasm, which is necessary, particularly in relation with customers. Passionate about multicultural exchange, i have excellent communication and people skills and i am easily adaptable to different environments. I speak fluently english, spanish and french, my mother tongue.

    Working for your company would be a great opportunity for me and i am sure u will be satisfied with my job. I am free to move with any delay synopsis.

    Should you require any further details or should you wish to discuss my suitability for the position, please do not hesitate to contact me. Furthermore, i would like to inform you that i am available immediately.

    I look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.


    Yours sincerely,

    Merci d'avance à vous tous
    Ti_pimousse


    Réponse: Need help for my cover letter de marlond, postée le 14-11-2007 à 15:09:30 (S | E)
    Hi there,

    The letter's generally very good, but I've had a look over it and found a few (minor) errors and suggested some ways it might be improved. My comments go over two posts, though!

    Dear Sir/Madam

    Due to my keen interest in the tourism/leisure industry, i am now seeking a position in that field thats is why i am very interested in the position you propose and believe that my education and employment background are appropriate for the position.


    *’due to’ -> somehow sounds a little out of place here. I’d say something like ‘For many years I have been interred in the leisure and tourism industry and am now seeking employment in this sector. My education and employment background, coupled with my enthusiasm and passion for the industry, make me an ideal candidate for the position advertised by your company.’
    * Always always always a capital letter for ‘I’ when it’s a word on its own - you’ve done this lots in this letter and looks really bad to a native.
    * ‘in that field’ -> ‘in this sector’
    *’thats’ -> two things: 1) missing apostrophe. 2) a native would say ‘…in this sector, (comma) which is why…’
    * ‘the position you propose’ -> This makes it sound like they have already offered you the job, i.e. that they have proposed the job to you – I think you mean ‘the job that you have advertised’ or something along those lines.
    *’appropriate for’ -> not incorrect, but I’d be tempted to use a slightly stronger word: ‘suited to the position’ or ‘ideal for the position’ or ‘ideally suited to the position’.
    * The sentence is also quite long, so I’d consider breaking it down into two separate sentences.

    I completed my degree in International Business and Marketing in 2005 and i look forward to developing a career abroad. I am seeking a position involving contacts in an international environment.

    As you can see on my enclosed CV, i traveled and worked in different countries these last years in England, Spain, Switzerland and Canada. Moreover, i already worked for the tourism/leisure industry in Club Méditerrannée in Spain and Switzerland.

    * ‘as you can see on my…’ -> think again about your preposition – remember that you say ‘I wrote something in a letter’…
    *’traveled’ -> usually two l’s in British English.
    *’these last years’ -> a literal translation from French which doesn’t work in English– find a more idiomatic way of saying this
    *’i already worked’ -> fine (I think) in American English, but for British English you need to use a present perfect tense here (i.e. have already worked)

    Before that, i worked as a sales assistant in a clothing store and as a comercial employee during my studies. These different experiences enables me to realize the importance of suppliers and customers’relationship, the importance to know customers’ needs and to help them to respond to their needs.
    *’comericial’ -> spelling error
    *’ enables’ -> verb conjugation error
    *’suppliers and customers’ relationship’ -> you generally talk about ‘supplier and customer relations’ (supplier and customer in singular, ‘relations’ rather than ‘relationship(s)’)
    *the importance to know’ -> in the previous clause, you were right with the construction ‘the importance of’ – why change it to ‘the importance to’ here? Even with a verb, it’s still ‘the importance of + -ing’. The same applied to ‘help’ later on in the sentence.

    During these different experiences, i worked closely in contact with customers and i did the animation of the hotels where i work (shows, games, sports games).
    *’closely in contact’ -> ‘in close contact’
    *’animation’ -> this doesn’t make much sense here



    Réponse: Need help for my cover letter de marlond, postée le 14-11-2007 à 15:10:37 (S | E)
    I consider myself outgoing, organized and with plenty of enthusiasm, which is necessary, particularly in relation with customers. Passionate about multicultural exchange, i have excellent communication and people skills and i am easily adaptable to different environments. I speak fluently english, spanish and french, my mother tongue.

    *’in relation with’ -> ‘when dealing with’
    *’passionate about’ -> again, a slightly literal translation from French I’d imagine – you’d be more likely to hear ‘Being passionate about…’ nowadays.
    *CAPITAL LETTERS AT THE BEGINNING OF ALL PROPER NOUNS, INCLUDING NAMES OF LANGUAGES
    * ‘I speak fluently’ -> generally the adverb here would not go directly after the verb: ‘I speak English and Spanish fluently, as well as French which is my native language’.

    Working for your company would be a great opportunity for me and i am sure u will be satisfied with my job. I am free to move with any delay synopsis.

    *’u’ is not a word. Especially not in a formal letter.
    *’with my job’ -> ‘with my work’ or ‘with my work ethic’ – the ‘job’ is what they are giving you…
    * ‘with any delay synopsis’ -> I have no idea what this means.

    Should you require any further details or should you wish to discuss my suitability for the position, please do not hesitate to contact me. Furthermore, i would like to inform you that i am available immediately.

    I look forward to hearing from you in the very near future.

    *All okay. (except the ‘i’s!)



    Réponse: Need help for my cover letter de ti_pimousse, postée le 14-11-2007 à 16:12:02 (S | E)
    thanks a lot marlond!!
    I can't believe all the errors in this letter. I am a little bit ashamed but I learnt a lot of things with your correction!!

    Thanks a lot again
    ti_pimousse




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