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    Violence (correction DM) (1)



    << Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Violence (correction DM)


    Message de californie67 posté le 14-09-2008 à 21:21:34 (S | E | F)

    bonjour à tous j'aurais besoin svp s'il vous plaît, d'une correction. Je ne sais pas si g j'ai fait beaucoups des fautes.

    The USA is losing too many children to gun violence. But all of thisis because of some persons who turn a blind eye on tragic moments, they continue to do nothing.
    First of all I think that the culprit is the government because if they forbid guns all those dramatic things would not happen, therefore children can get guns easily. Even if they can't abolish this constitution, they can create some organisations in order to redirect students, or just not to allow people to bear guns at school.


    Then the second group of guilty persons is parents.Indeed, parents don't pay enough attention to their children and the fact they have guns in their house can attract their children's intention ; so children and teenagers imitate their parents because it's known that children think that parents show the good example. So to sat straight of this violence, parents ought to give attention, sat a limit to their children , and the most important is not to have guns in houses because most guns used to kill students came from a student father's or grandfather's house.

    But before parents and the government they are also the lobbyists, who for the gun industry are deceptively because is pushing Congress to enact dangerous and sweeping legislation.the gun lobby is fighting proposed legislation to increase the length of background checks for firearms purchases at gun shows to ten days. So in order to remedy to this the government shouldn't listen to those person who go counter to the wellbeing but it's so difficult because the lobby finance hustings …

    And the third persons to accuse are sellers , in general there don't care , they only want to sell guns , and get money so the problem are many person can get easily guns.And to confront that, the state had better control arms stores.
    merci d'avance

    -------------------
    Modifié par bridg le 14-09-2008 21:49
    Merci aux membres qui ont le gentillesse de répondre, de simplement signaler les erreurs, et de permettre au membre de s'auto corriger.
    titre


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de inga, postée le 15-09-2008 à 16:47:13 (S | E)
    hello,
    I'm not going to correct all mistakes, just some suggestions.
    I thought I could provide you with some phrases to express that somebody is guilty of something

    1. be responsible for sth/doing sth to be the person who caused something to happen, especially something bad:
    Who is responsible for this terrible mess?
    Last month's bad weather was responsible for the crop failure.

    2. somebody/something is to blame (for something)

    Officials believe that more than one person may be to blame for the fire.
    Television is partly/largely/entirely to blame.

    3. at fault

    Some people claim that it is the UN that is at fault.

    Instead of using GET (get guns) which is rather informal, you could replace it with 'obtain guns'/ 'come into the possession of guns', (get money) with 'make money'

    use 'people' rather than persons
    an experienced teacher will notice that some sentences are copied from the Internet "the gun lobby is fighting proposed legislation to increase the length of background checks for firearms purchases at gun shows to ten days"

    Inga


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 17:09:30 (S | E)
    thank you! but I will have some questions after having correct some mistakes
    ant for the sentence coping on Internet it was just to help me to say what i wanted to say in french... so sorry


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 17:27:57 (S | E)
    et dans l'autre forum ce sont mes phrases j'ai jeté un coup d'oeil sur le role des lobbies je n'ai pas copié bêtement!
    jai vue que ce forum était très bien pour apprendre l'anglais, j'ai donc décidé de m'y inceire dans le but d'avoir quelque conseils de professionnel...


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 18:26:10 (S | E)
    The USA is losing too many children to gun violence. But all of this is because of some people who turn a blind eye on tragic moments; they continue to do nothing.
    First of all I think that the culprit is the government because if they forbid guns all those dramatic things would not happen, therefore children can obtain guns easily. And Even if they can't abolish this constitution, they can create some organizations in order to redirect students, or just not to allow people to bear guns at school.


    Then the second group of guilty peoples is parents. Indeed, parents don't pay enough attention to their children, they let them to watch films, pay video game; they are viewer as egging on doing violence, especially in boys and on the other, it well attested as producing practice in important brawls. Then the second reason of this accusation is the fact they have guns in their house, arms can attract their children's intention; so children and teenagers imitate their parents because it's known that children think that parents show the good example. So to sat straight of this violence, parents ought to give attention, sat a limit to their children , and the most important is not to have guns in houses because most guns used to kill students came from a student father's or grandfather's house.

    But before parents and the government they are also the lobbyists, who for the gun industry are deceptively because is pushing Congress to enact dangerous and sweeping legislation. the gun lobby is fighting proposed legislation to increase the length of background checks for firearms purchases at gun . So in order to remedy to this, the government shouldn't listen to those people who go counter to the wellbeing but it's so difficult because the lobby finance the presidential election.

    And the third people to accuse are sellers and, in general there don't care, they only want to sell guns, violent games without control children identity or if the game are suitable for them. Vendor’s goal is earn money so the problem is many people can obtain guns or violent games easily. And to confront that, the state had better control arms stores, markets... or doing a law to prevent seller for not selling games no matter who.
    voilà après quelque correction ce que cela me donne si vous porriez jetter un coups d'oeil rapidement ce la m'aiderai vraiment à comprendre mes erreurs merci beaucoup!!!


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de inga, postée le 15-09-2008 à 20:01:25 (S | E)
    hi,

    some corrections, not all, I'll try to send another post

    line 1 turn a blind eye on (wrong preposition)
    line 2 if they forbid guns all those dramatic things would not happen (you need the 2nd conditional here)
    line 6 " let them to watch films," (let sb do sth)
    line 10 "sat a limit" (set)
    line 12 "who for the gun industry are deceptively because is pushing " this fragment is incomprehensible
    line 14 "remedy to this" (remedy sth)
    line 16 without control (you need an -ing form here)
    line 17 or if the game are suitable for them =or CHECKING whether the game is suitable
    line 18 "goal is earn " ...is TO earn



    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 20:51:35 (S | E)
    pour la première ligne c'est with ou to



    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 20:52:32 (S | E)
    il n'y aurais pas une regle sur les proposition s'il vous plait?



    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de inga, postée le 15-09-2008 à 20:57:18 (S | E)

    Avoid contracted forms (isn't, can't) if this is supposed to be a formal essay

    in the 2nd paragraph, try to avoid repeating 'children' and 'parents', use pronouns and connect sentences
    line 3 "I think that the culprit is the government" try to use some phrase I suggested earlier
    line 3 "therefore" isn't suitable here, you need a linker that would express contrast
    line
    "they are viewer as egging on doing violence, especially in boys and on the other, it well attested as producing practice in important brawls" I have no idea what this passage is supposed to mean

    "attract their children's intention" attract their attention?

    "And the third people to accuse are sellers" = sellers are also responsible for easy access to guns
    "in general there don't care" =if I could suggest "they put their own interests first"


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de inga, postée le 15-09-2008 à 20:59:05 (S | E)
    the expression is 'to turn a blind eye to sth'




    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 21:13:35 (S | E)
    thank you very much, i will correct alk my mistakes


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 15-09-2008 à 21:19:36 (S | E)
    qu'appelle tu "contrast" est que je dois utiliser des srutur avec unlike ou instead of?


    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de inga, postée le 15-09-2008 à 23:54:09 (S | E)
    hi again

    some more corrections

    line 4 "abolish the constitution"

    actually, it's the Second Amendment that gives people the right to carry guns, I think it's enough to abolish the Second Amendment, not the whole constitution


    line 18 'doing a law' =pass a law
    to prevent seller for not selling games no matter who=to prevent games being sold to no matter who

    line 7/8 Then the second reason of this accusation is the fact they have guns in their house=I would simply replace it with MOREOVER

    line 10 "So to sat straight of this violence," I don't know what you mean

    some typing mistakes (I think) pay video game,

    ok, my eyes are going now, I'll have another look at it in the morning

    take care,
    Inga




    Réponse: Violence (correction DM) de californie67, postée le 17-09-2008 à 16:46:25 (S | E)
    thank you





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