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    Salvation army (1)

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    Salvation army
    Message de fallen posté le 14-12-2008 à 21:13:09 (S | E | F)

    Bonsoir,

    Je suis en terminale STG et je dois passer vendredi un oral d'anglais sur un document contenant des questions

    Voici le document : Lien Internet


    Pouvez vous m'aidez à améliorer ma rédaction et corrigez les fautes s'il vous plais? Je vous en remercie d'avance.

    1. What kind of document is it ? Who published it ?.
    This document is an awareness campaign witch published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is an Christian association which help poor people who are in need.

    2. Find the catachphrase and explain it briefly.
    The catchphrase is “actions speak louder than words”. It means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them.

    3. What can you see in the bottom left-hand corner of the picture itself?
    In the bottom left-hand corner, we can notice the shield of the Salvation Army.

    4. What is the goal of the document?
    The purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100000 people die of lack of food every year

    5. Situate the various elements and describe them in a few words.
    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor wherein there is two notices with written “Cafe now closed” and between of it there is a door wherein there is written the catchphrase.
    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor and wrapping oneself in a blanket and be huddled up. He seems to be very frozen and exhaustive.

    6.Who is the focal point in the picture?
    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.

    7. How is the viewer expected to feel and react? Why?
    The viewer will feel pity by looking this photo because this document is very attractive.
    As far is as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay attention to the poor who are in the street whereas each winter, thousands people are dying by the cold weather.



    -------------------
    Modifié par fallen le 14-12-2008 21:13

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 14-12-2008 21:53
    titre

    -------------------
    Modifié par fallen le 08-02-2009 18:40


    Réponse: Salvation army de linsey34, postée le 14-12-2008 à 23:52:19 (S | E)
    Dear fallen,

    en rouge les erreurs à corriger:

    This document is an awareness campaign witch published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is an Christian association which help poor people who are in need.
    The catchphrase is “actions speak louder than words”. It means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them.
    In the bottom left-hand corner, we can notice the shield of the Salvation Army.
    The purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100000 people die of lack of food every year

    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor wherein there is two notices with written “Cafe now closed” and between of it there is a door wherein there is written the catchphrase.
    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor and wrapping oneself in a blanket and be huddled up. He seems to be very frozen and exhaustive.
    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.
    The viewer will feel pity by looking this photo because this document is very attractive.
    As far is as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay attention to the poor who are in the street whereas each winter, thousands people are dying by the cold weather.



    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 15-12-2008 à 14:06:51 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    Merci pour la correction.
    J'ai modifié les fautes que tu m'avais misent en rouge mais j'ai laissé en vert les fautes dont je ne vois pas ou sont les erreurs.


    This document is an awareness campaign published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is a Christian association which helps poor people who are in need.
    The catchphrase is “actions speak louder than words”. It means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them.
    In the bottom left-hand corner, we can notice the shield of the Salvation Army.
    The purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100000 people die of lack of food every year

    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor witch in there are two notices with written “Cafe now closed” and in between there is a door upon witch there is the catchphrase.
    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor and wrapping oneself in a blanket and is huddled up. He seems to be very frozen and exhausted.
    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.
    The viewer will feel pity when looking this photo because this document is very attractive.
    As far as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay attention to the poor who are in the street whereas each winter, thousands people are dying because of the cold weather.




    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 16-12-2008 à 21:14:40 (S | E)
    Quelqu'un pourrait vérifier ma réponse svp ?


    Réponse: Salvation army de robertbrou, postée le 16-12-2008 à 23:46:09 (S | E)
    Hi fallen,

    Ok, let's get this straight, once and for all:
    witch - sorcière

    Mes commentaires:
    1er paragraphe = OK

    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor witch in there are two notices with written “Cafe now closed” and in between there is a door upon witch there is the catchphrase.

    1. which in - pourquoi pas where?
    2. written - mauvais placement

    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor and wrapping oneself in a blanket and is huddled up. He seems to be very frozen and exhausted.

    3. very frozen - One cannot be very frozen. Either you're frozen or you're not.
    4. oneself - too general. be more specific.

    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.
    The viewer will feel pity when looking this photo because this document is very attractive.

    5. attractive - I'm not sure if attractive fits here. Attractive indicates beauty. Double-click on attirant see if you can find a different synonym.

    NB: tramp (British) does not have the same colloquial meaning in US English. Be aware of your target audience.

    The rest is OK. Bon courage.




    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 17-12-2008 à 11:09:51 (S | E)
    Hello,

    Thanks again for your correction.

    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor where there are two notices with “Cafe now closed” written and in between there is a door upon which there is the catchphrase.

    The tramp is slumped on the floor in huddling up and wrapped in a blanket to keep him warm . He seems to be frozen and exhausted.

    (je ne sais pas si cette phrase est bonne, mais j'aimerais que sa donne ça en français : Le clochard est affalé sur le sol en étant blotti et est enveloppé d'une couverture pour se tenir chaud)

    The viewer will feel pity when looking this photo because the tramp makes us grieve over. (I want to say here: parce que le pauvre nous fais de la peine)

    Is everything's all right ?


    Réponse: Salvation army de linsey34, postée le 17-12-2008 à 13:45:11 (S | E)
    100,000
    virgule en anglais

    looking at this photo

    The tramp is slumped on the floor, he is huddled up and wrapped in a blanket to keep him warm .



    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 17-12-2008 à 17:34:09 (S | E)
    Merci pour tout.

    Voici le texte intégralement corrigé, comporte t'il encore des erreurs?


    This document is an awareness campaign published by the Salvation Army. The Salvation Army is a Christian association which helps poor people who are in need.
    The catchphrase is “actions speak louder than words”. It means that your actions communicate more clearly than your words because people are more impressed with our sincerity if we act on our beliefs than if we merely talk about them.
    In the bottom left-hand corner, we can notice the shield of the Salvation Army.
    The purpose of this document is to make people aware of the poverty in the world and open their eyes to the danger of it because at least 100,000 people die of lack of food every year.

    The scene takes place in a kind of corridor where there are two notices with “Cafe now closed” written and in between there is a door upon which there is the catchphrase.
    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor, he is huddled up and wrapped in a blanket to keep him warm. He seems to be frozen and exhausted.
    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.
    The viewer will feel pity when looking at this photo because the tramp makes us grieve over.
    As far as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay attention to the poor who are in the street whereas each winter, thousands people are dying because of the cold weather.




    Réponse: Salvation army de robertbrou, postée le 17-12-2008 à 20:10:43 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    Un peu de raffinement...

    <...>

    Then, we can see a volunteer of the association who is leaning forward in front of the tramp and who is holding a cup of coffee to give it to the poor man. The tramp is slumped on the floor, he is huddled up and wrapped in a blanket to keep himself warm. He seems to be frozen and exhausted.
    The focal point of this document is obviously the tramp because he draws our attention by his poor physical condition.
    The viewer will feel pity when looking at this photo because the tramp makes us grieve over him.
    As far as I’m concerned, I think that nowadays, a lot of people don’t pay attention to the poor who are in the street whereas because each winter, thousands people are dying because of the cold weather.

    Voilà!




    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 17-12-2008 à 20:19:03 (S | E)
    Merci robertbrou pour ce petit rafinement.

    Juste une question : pourquoi utiliser "because" et non pas "whereas" dans la dernière phrase?

    Je trouve cela plus logique de dire "beaucoup de personnes ne prêtent pas attention au pauvre alors qu'il y a chaque année..." que "beaucoup de personnes ne prêtent pas attention au pauvre parce qu'il y a chaque année"

    Qu'en pensez vous ?




    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 18-12-2008 à 17:25:51 (S | E)
    Dernière chose avant que je passe à l'oral demain, si je veux dire :

    L'angle de vue plongée permet de ramener le clochard à son état d'affaiblissement :

    The slight high angle shot allows to bring back the tramp to his state of weakening.

    (je vous redonne le lien de l'image si nécessaire : Lien Internet
    )

    Est-ce correct de traduire ainsi ?



    Réponse: Salvation army de robertbrou, postée le 18-12-2008 à 19:57:54 (S | E)
    Bonjour fallen,

    Pardon, je me suis trompé. Vous avez raison. "Whereas" est bon.

    J'utilisais "because" dans le sens de "puisque/étant donné que..."

    --
    Quant à votre dernière phrase:
    L'angle de vue plongée permet de ramener le clochard à son état d'affaiblissement :

    The slight high angle shot allows to bring the tramp back to his weakened state.


    Cependant, je ne sais pas si j'ai bien saisi le sens de "ramener" ici. Il me semble que son état était meilleur avant qu'il ait ramené à nouveau à l'état d'affaiblissement. A moins que vous veuillez dire que la vue plongée se focalise sur l'état d'affaiblissement du clochard. Alors là, c'est autre chose.




    Réponse: Salvation army de fallen, postée le 18-12-2008 à 20:01:01 (S | E)
    " A moins que vous veuillez dire que la vue plongée se focalise sur l'état d'affaiblissement du clochard. "

    C'est exactement le sens que je veux donner à ma phrase.

    Ainsi, la phrase que vous m'avez corrigez correspond t'elle au sens que je veux lui donner?


    Réponse: Salvation army de robertbrou, postée le 19-12-2008 à 19:23:40 (S | E)
    Je crains que ce soit trop tard pour votre oral, mais mieux vaut tard que jamais.

    The slight high angle shot allows to bring the tramp back to his weakened state

    Je crois que vous voulez dire ceci:
    The slight high angle shot *** the weakened state of the tramp.

    intensifies, amplifies, emphasizes




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