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Message de pauline posté le 17-04-2010 à 16:32:02 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, pouvez-vous me corriger cet essai s'il vous plait? merci d'avance
Sujet : Can some encounters change somebody’s life ? You may use your personal experience or readings to provide examples.
Some encounters can change somebody’s life. Meet people permit to know others culture, enrich (s’enrichir d’un point de vue de la culture) and so to see the things in a different way. This essay will describe a personal experience what is the encounters with people that I thought have nothing in common with them.
Eight months ago, I see arrive two persons who were quite old and I don’t expect. They are called Alfred and Jean-françois. I play accordion and they asked me if I would form a part of an orchestra. After have hesitated for a small moment, I say « yes ». And there everything begann…
Every Saturday morning I went to play for this orchestra. The atmosphere was very pleasant. There was no stress ! Now, I play music without that have critics. Thanks to them, I have rediscovered the enjoyment procured by playing music. Moreover I am became friend with them and they are very comical, eccentric… Indeed, Alfred and Jean-françois are neighbour and always together. They have regulary new discoveries. For example, two months ago, Alfred who is garagiste has bought and repaired a mobiele eenheid vehicle to go in holidays in the South with his neighbour.
To conclude, this encounter has changed my life because I am more cool and more enjoy. Unfortunately, all over the encounters don’t change inevitably the somebody life’s in good…
Modifié par lucile83 le 17-04-2010 16:52
Réponse: Essay/encounters change life or not? de prescott, postée le 17-04-2010 à 17:15:26 (S | E)
Voici les points les plus importants à corriger (rouge) et améliorer (rose) pour la première moitié du texte.
Some encounters can change somebody’s [your] life. Meet[Le fait de rencontrer => v-ing] people permit [choisir un autre verbe] to know s culture [si vous êtes de culture différente!], enrich (s’enrichir d’un point de vue de la culture) and so to see the things in a different way. This essay will describe [utiliser le présent, à moins que ce paragraphe n'annonce une dizaine de pages] a personal experience what is the encounters with people that I thought have nothing in common with them.
Eight months ago, I see[prétérit obligatoire avec ago] arrive ['voir arriver' = langage trop familier pour un 'essay' => venir vers moi
expressions that might help:
be culturally enriched
be enriched by other cultures
be enriched by others' experiences and ways of thinking
be enriched by cultural differences
be enriched by learning from the culture