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    Essai/ University

    << Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Essai/ University
    Message de sabrinaaa posté le 11-09-2010 à 14:35:07 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour à tous,
    j'ai un petit essai à rédiger en anglais mais le sujet ne m'inspire pas énormément;je rencontre ici quelques difficultés, j'ai essayé de le faire.
    Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger mes erreurs s'il vous plaît?

    IS UNIVERSITY EDUCATION IMPORTANT ?

    On the one hand, I think education university is important. Indeed, we will be able to find an interesting job and we will have a decent living: we can reach more important jobs as doctors or still pharmacists, we are obliged to pass by a faculty, later we shall win more, we shall have a better paid work. We will be able to quickly enter into the world of work, or if we prefer we can continue our studies further. The faculty is accessible to each other while two-year technical degrees for instance set on file, only the best are chosen.
    In university, we learn to manage/live by ourself, to be more independent, allowing we to specialise in a subject we like, and prepare for our future job.
    On the other hand, university education is not vital because you can find an enjoyable job without a universty degree, using our motivation and also a baccalauréat for instance.
    Furthermore, we can reach the world of work read quickly; after two years by studies for examplewhile the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.

    Merci d'avance.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 11-09-2010 14:35



    Réponse: Essai/ University de benboom, postée le 11-09-2010 à 15:03:30 (S | E)

    Bonjour!

    Your problem is that your English is good enough to get you into trouble, but it isn't good enough to let you know when that happens. I understand most of what you are saying but almost everything in this essay needs to be rewritten if it is to be "good" English and I don't have any idea where to start.

    Let's look at one paragraph (by the way, your punctuation is not very good; you should really learn how to punctuate correctly):

    On the other hand, university education is not vital because you can find an enjoyable job without a universty degree, using our motivation and also a baccalauréat for instance.

    You have mixed up your pronouns, but you have also thrown in a French word which most English speakers will not understand; worst of all, the sentence is not literally true - the bac *is* a degree. I don't really know how to correct this paragraph without rewriting it...so that's what I am going to do.

    On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated.

    But there are literally hundreds of ways to rewrite that paragraph. Can you try to see why I have changed the things I did?

    Good luck! The basis of your essay is good, but you are having trouble with the details, as you are already aware. Can you try to simplify it even more?


    Réponse: Essai/ University de sabrinaaa, postée le 11-09-2010 à 16:22:24 (S | E)
    Hello,

    Okay thank you very much benboom for your help, I'm going to write it better if I can. I understand what you tell me, I agree with you; I know it's my high problem in English and I want to improve it.

    Can you tell me if it's better or not please ?

    On the one hand, I think education university is important. Indeed, we will be able to find an interesting jobs as doctors or still pharmacists, we are obliged to pass by a faculty. Then, we shall win more money, we shall have a better paid work so a decent living. We will be able to quickly enter into the world of work, or if we prefer we can continue our studies further. The faculty is accessible to each other while two-year technical degrees for instance set on file, only the best are chosen.
    Furthermore, in university, we learn to manage by ourself, to be more independent, allowing we to specialise in a subject we like, and prepare for our future job.
    On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated.
    Finally, we can reach the world of work read quickly; studying after two years for example while the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 11-09-2010 16:23
    -------------------
    Modifié par sabrinaaa le 11-09-2010 16:24
    -------------------
    Modifié par sabrinaaa le 11-09-2010 16:25




    Réponse: Essai/ University de benboom, postée le 11-09-2010 à 16:43:14 (S | E)

    Hi, Sabrinaa;

    First of all, in English you separate your paragraphs; don't let them run into each other visually as you have done. Put an empty line between each paragraph.

    It's perfectly acceptable to have a one-sentence paragraph, too.

    On the one hand, I think education university is important. Indeed, we will be able to find an interesting jobs as doctors or still pharmacists, we are obliged to pass by a faculty. Then, we shall win more money, we shall have a better paid work so a decent living. We will be able to quickly enter into the world of work, or if we prefer we can continue our studies further. The faculty is accessible to each other while two-year technical degrees for instance set on file, only the best are chosen.

    Let's look at that paragraph. "Indeed, we will be able to find an interesting jobs as doctors or still pharmacists, we are obliged to pass by a faculty" is not a complete sentence and I'm not sure what it means. You would do better to make it two complete sentences.

    In English, one does not "win" money (except in a lottery ), one earns it.

    "The faculty is accessible to each other while two-year technical degrees for instance set on file, only the best are chosen" has the same problem as the earlier example; it is not a complete sentence and I don't really understand what you mean to say. That makes it difficult to correct. Try to say the same thing in two separate sentences before you attempt to combine them into one; it will be easier.

    I would like you to figure out how to correct this essay for yourself; it does you no good if someone else does it for you. I still want to emphasize that the simplest way you can say something is the best. You are trying to use constructions which are too complex for your level of understanding, so simplifying things will help a great deal.


    Réponse: Essai/ University de sabrinaaa, postée le 11-09-2010 à 17:31:27 (S | E)
    Hi

    Thanks; I also want to correct me lonely by myself because I think I can learn from my mistakes but if someone else corrects them, I can't learn.
    So if I understand it's something like that :

    On the one hand, I think education university is important. Indeed, studying in university we will be able to find an interesting job as doctors or still pharmacists, to do these jobs we are obliged to pass by a faculty. Then, we shall earn more money, we shall have a better paid work so a decent living. We will be able to quickly enter into the world of work, or if we prefer we can continue our studies further. The faculty is accessible to each other, in two-year technical degrees for instance they set on file, only the best are chosen, others aren't accepted.
    Furthermore, in university, we learn to manage by ourself, to be more independent, allowing we to specialise in a subject we like, and prepare for our future job.

    On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated.
    Finally, we can reach the world of work read quickly; studying after two years for example while the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.

    It's Is it better than others my previous texts?

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 11-09-2010 17:41
    On laisse une ligne entre les paragraphes, pas 3 ou 4



    Réponse: Essai/ University de benboom, postée le 11-09-2010 à 20:24:46 (S | E)
    Okay, I am officially confused by the punctuation here.

    I see what appear to be several paragraphs, clearly indicated by the hard returns [RETURN - je ne sais pas le nom en français puisque je n'ai pas de clavier français) which are not separated by spaces. I have noticed this with other writers who speak French on this site. Can someone explain this to me?

    In English, you don't use a carriage return unless you are starting a new paragraph. When you do start a new one, you leave a space between it and the previous one. If I pick up a French book and look at it I see the same thing. Yet over and over I see people doing this:

    On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated.
    Finally, we can reach the world of work read quickly; studying after two years for example while the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.


    This should be either this: On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated. Finally, we can reach the world of work read quickly; studying after two years for example while the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.

    Or this: On the other hand, a university education is not vital because it is possible to find a good job without having a university degree if one is sufficiently motivated.

    Finally, we can reach the world of work read quickly; studying after two years for example while the faculty privileges the long studies, three years at least. There are no company internship and there are too many people so we are not framed a lot.


    What am I missing here? This is basic to communication and in English it's an important rule. It's a little like writing in French without diacritical marks, although perhaps not quite as serious. Ecrire sans ajouter les marques diacritiques a l'air tres moche, n'est pas? Les bons etudiants ne le font pas. You see what I mean?

    And yes, I do plan to come back to the original message. I'd just like to get this straightened out.


    Réponse: Essai/ University de may, postée le 12-09-2010 à 21:32:59 (S | E)

    Bonjour sabrinaaa,

    Don't be discouraged then! You tried to do your best, and I am going to simplify your problem the best I can.

    On the one hand, I think education university reverse the word order is important. Indeed, (studying in university)This phrase was implied in the previous sentence and in the word "indeed" we will be able to find an interesting job as doctors or stilleven you meant? pharmacists,end of the sentence to do To qualify for? these jobs punctuation we are obliged to pass by a faculty to obtain a necessary degree . Then, (we shall earn more money,) we shallwill have a better paid work an excellent salary so a decent living for a better quality of life.We will be able to quickly enter into the world of work, or if we prefer we can continue our studies further. The faculty is accessible to each other, in two-year technical degrees for instance they set on file, only the best are chosen, others aren't accepted. Try to revise these phrases. I have some suggestion "set on file" doesn't make any sense, and when you say "only the best are chosen" then you won't need "others aren't accepted"
    (Furthermore,) In university, we learn to manage by ourself ourselves, to be more independent, allowing we to allow us to specialise in a subject we like, and to prepare for our future job.


    (...)leave out

    Best wishes,


    Réponse: Essai/ University de sabrinaaa, postée le 13-09-2010 à 19:01:10 (S | E)
    Thank you very much may for your help; it's very nice; thanks to benboom too

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 13-09-2010 20:01



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