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    Monologue

    << Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Monologue
    Message de peyton483 posté le 28-11-2010 à 17:34:21 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour à tous!

    Je dois écrire un monologue d'environ 2 minutes sur le sujet suivant: tu viens de recevoir la réponse de l'université que tu souhaites intégrer. Le monologue se situe juste avant l'ouverture de l'enveloppe.

    Pouvez-vous lire mon texte et m'indiquer les fautes et maladresses? Je précise que ce travail est destiné à une représentation orale



    I’m super excited!!! Oh that’s so great!
    [clap my hands]

    Oh Serena, today is the D-day! In a minute you will officially enter Harvard! Serena Clark student of Harvard! Oh that sounds so wonderful!

    Oh cute little envelope, here you are! I’ve been waiting for you for months!

    Oh my God! I’m so happy because I know that I will get into that college, there’s no doubts about that. Ya of course there are no doubts… It is written in my heart, in my mind and even in my hands! Yeah that medium from Peru read the lines of my hands and she has seen it. Ya I can see the H of Harvard right here. I don’t have to worry. And all is already planned for my entrance in Harvard: the apartment next to the college is bought, the cafeteria tickets are paid and I’ve got the look of the Harvard student. All is under control.

    And anyway, Harvard is not only my future, I am the future of Harvard, Harvard needs me. Actually, I am the perfect student, who could refuse my candidature? No one! Come on, I’m super bright, super charismatic, super painstaking, super organized, super beautiful and super… self-confident, right. But I have good reasons. I am the first of my class, I am also the first of my high school who counts more than eight hundred people… it is not countless! And my school report is just exceptional, I have only A. There are mountains of A in my reports: A in math, A in literature, A in physics, A in biology, A in French, and just for a change A in Spanish. In the optional subjects/electives? Let me think, A in art and in economics and public policy… A-. Minus? Doesn’t matter. What! Nobody cares about the minus and the plus, it is old fashioned… No I’m sure nobody will notice that, I can be quiet. A little sign cannot prevent me to attend Harvard. Ok keep cool Serena, that was not in your plan but all is under control. Take a breath. Take a deep breath…

    [crying]

    Oh my god! I have forgotten that fucking minus. Oh no, it’s over. What am I gonna do? My life is screwed up! There’s no Serena Clark anymore.
    xxxxx
    [looking at her envelope]

    Damned, not this one!

    [leaving the room, still crying].

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 28-11-2010 18:06

    Trop de grossiéretés nuit



    Réponse: Monologue de gerondif, postée le 28-11-2010 à 22:07:57 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,

    I’m super excited!!! Oh that’s so great!
    [clap my hands]

    Oh Serena, today is the D-day! In a minute you will officially enter Harvard! Serena Clark,a student in Harvard!(a Harvard student) Oh that sounds so wonderful!

    Oh cute little envelope, here you are! I’ve been waiting for you for months!

    Oh my God! I’m so happy because I know that I will get into that college, there’s(singulier suivi d'un pluriel ?) no doubts about that. Ya ( bof! pourquoi pas yes, yeah à la rigueur) of course there are no doubts… It is written in my heart, in my mind and even in my hands! Yeah that medium from Peru read the lines of my hands and she has seen it. Ya I can see the H of Harvard right here. I don’t have to worry. And all(plutôt everything) is already planned for my entrance in Harvard: the apartment next to the college is bought, the cafeteria tickets are paid for and I’ve got the look of the Harvard student. All is under control.

    And anyway, Harvard is not only my future, I am the future of Harvard, Harvard needs me. Actually, I am the perfect student, who could refuse my candidature(cherchez le nom dérivé de to apply for)? No one! Come on, I’m super bright, super charismatic, super painstaking, super organized, super beautiful and super… self-confident, right. But I have good reasons. I am the first of my class, I am also the first of my high school who counts(construction à la française: qui compte plus de , essayez avec there are: école où il y a plus de 800 élèves) more than eight hundred people… it is not countless(sens?)! And my school report is just exceptional, I have only A's. There are mountains of A's in my reports: A in math, A in literature, A in physics, A in biology, A in French, and just for a change A in Spanish. In the optional subjects? Let me think, A in art and in economics and public policy… A-. Minus? Doesn’t matter. What! Nobody cares about the minus and the plus, it is old fashioned… No I’m sure nobody will notice that, I can be quiet(français traduit essayez quelque chose du style, je n'ai pas besoin de m'inquiéter to worry). A little sign cannot prevent me to(erreur de préposition) attend Harvard. Ok keep cool Serena, that was not in your plan but all is under control. Take a breath. Take a deep breath…

    [crying]

    Oh my god! I have forgotten that fucking minus. Oh no, it’s over(pour dire, c'est fini, c'est foutu ? j'aurais dit : je n'ai aucune chance). What am I gonna do? My life is screwed up! There’s no Serena Clark anymore.
    xxxxx
    [looking at her envelope]

    Damned, not this one!(au sens de "pas ça !!?" trouvez autre chose : je n'arrive pas à le croire)[leaving the room, still crying].





    Réponse: Monologue de peyton483, postée le 30-11-2010 à 18:35:01 (S | E)
    Bonsoir!
    Merci Gerondif pour votre aide. Je vous propose ceci:



    I’m super excited!!! Oh that’s so great!
    [clap my hands]

    Oh Serena, today is the D-day! In a minute you will officially enter Harvard! Serena Clark,a Harvard student! Oh that sounds so wonderful!

    Oh cute little envelope, here you are! I’ve been waiting for you for months!

    Oh my God! I’m so happy because I know that I will get into that college, there are no doubts about that. Yes of course there are no doubts… It is written in my heart, in my mind and even in my hands! Yeah that medium from Peru read the lines of my hands and she has seen it. I can see the H of Harvard right here. I don’t have to worry. And everything is already planned for my entrance in Harvard: the apartment next to the college is bought, the cafeteria tickets are paid for and I’ve got the look of the Harvard student. Everything is under control.

    And anyway, Harvard is not only my future, I am the future of Harvard, Harvard needs me. Actually, I am the perfect student, who could refuse my application? No one! Come on, I’m super bright, super charismatic, super painstaking, super organized, super beautiful and super… self-confident, right. But I have good reasons. I am the first of my class, I am also the first of my high school where there are more than eight hundred peopleit is not insignificant (ce n'est pas négligeable)! And my school report is just exceptional, I have only A's. There are mountains of A's in my reports: A in math, A in literature, A in physics, A in biology, A in French, and just for a change A in Spanish. In the optional subjects? Let me think, A in art and in economics and public policy… A-. Minus? Doesn’t matter. What! Nobody cares about the minus and the plus, it is old fashioned… No I’m sure nobody will notice that, don't worry Serena. A little sign (je ne sais pas ce qui est faux ici. J'ai vérifié dans mon dictionnaire et ils indiquent bien "sign" pour un signe en maths comme le sign égal, plus ou moins) cannot prevent me from attending Harvard. Ok keep cool Serena, that was not in your plan but everything is under control. Take a breath. Take a deep breath…

    [crying]

    Oh my god! I have forgotten that fucking minus. Oh no, I haven't got a chance anymore/ I don't stand a chance anymore (lequel est le mieux pour l'oral→ en plus c'est une adolescente qui parle dc il faudrait, pourquoi pas, une expression plutôt courante voire familière) . What am I gonna do? My life is screwed up! There’s no Serena Clark anymore.

    Oh... I need to commit suicide! Where can I find an envelope?

    [looking at her envelope]

    Damned, not this one!(ce n'est pas exactement au sens de "pas ça", c'est par rapport à la phrase précédente où elle désire "se suicider avec une enveloppe". Elle dit alors "non pas avec celle-là").

    [leaving the room, still crying].

    -------------------
    Modifié par peyton483 le 30-11-2010 18:35





    Réponse: Monologue de gerondif, postée le 30-11-2010 à 19:13:57 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    je n'ai rien à rajouter à votre texte. ok pour sign que je n'avais pas compris dans ce sens. Quant à se suicider avec une enveloppe, je n'avais pas compris cela non plus, il faut dire que c'est peu courant.

    Il y a de l'humour dans votre texte, ça devrait bien marcher !



    Réponse: Monologue de peyton483, postée le 30-11-2010 à 21:10:39 (S | E)
    Oui c'est plutôt peu courant en effet... j'ai vu cette "anecdote" dans un sketch et c'était plutôt sympa donc je me suis dit que cela collerait bien avec ma situation.
    Bref, merci beaucoup pour votre aide!!

    Bonne soirée



    Réponse: Monologue de notrepere, postée le 30-11-2010 à 21:36:42 (S | E)
    Hello!

    The word "fucking" is considered vulgar in English. I wouldn't think it would be appropriate for a test. "Damn" is considered more acceptable, but "darn" is the most acceptable.




    Réponse: Monologue de dsmith, postée le 01-12-2010 à 03:51:04 (S | E)
    Bonjour! Very good. Excellent in fact. I like the humor! And your English is fantastic.

    Here are some comments:

    you will officially enter Harvard - I thought you meant it was your first day of classes - maybe "be accepted to" ?

    super painstaking - usually a person is not painstaking, a task can be painstaking - maybe "disciplined"?? "This is painstaking work to copy one hundred pages of the dictionary by hand"

    Another way to say first in your class if you want: I'm ranked number one in my class or I'm the valedictorian of my class.

    school report - in the USA we say "school report card" - I'm not sure in Great Britain what they call it.

    a little sign... Yes + / - are called signs in math. However they aren't being used here in math so it's not completely clear. So better to say "a little minus sign..."

    I agree with notrepere the "F" word is absolutely the most vuglar and offensive word you can say in English. My vote is to not include it. His suggestions are better.

    Good luck on your oral presentation! I bet you get an "A"!!!!



    Réponse: Monologue de angie313b, postée le 01-12-2010 à 04:13:14 (S | E)
    Peyton,

    Je suis americaine et je parle anglais courament. J'ai corrige le monologue:

    I’m super excited!!! Oh this is so great!
    [clap my hands]

    Oh Serena, today is D-day! In a minute you will officially be accepted to Harvard! Serena Clark student of Harvard! Oh that sounds so wonderful!

    Oh cute little envelope, here you are! I’ve been waiting for you for months!

    Oh my God! I’m so happy because I know that I got into that college, there’s no doubt (there's and doubts do not agree so you s hould either say "there's no doubt or there are no doubts" about that.) Yes, of course there are no doubts… It is written in my heart, in my mind and even in my hands! Yeah that medium from Peru read the lines of my hands and she has seen it. Yeah I can see the H of Harvard right here. I don’t have to worry. And, everything is already planned for my entrance in Harvard: the apartment next to the college is rented (a student wouldn't buy an apartment, but would rent one), the cafeteria tickets are paid for and I even look like a Harvard student. Everything is under control.

    And anyway, Harvard is not only my future, I am the future of Harvard, Harvard needs me. Actually, I am the perfect student, who could refuse my candidacy? No one! Come on, I’m super bright, super charismatic, super dedicated (we would not use painstaking to describe a person, rather you'd say "a particular feat or accomplishment was painstaking"), super organized, super beautiful and super… confident (in this case "self" is implied), right. But I have good reasons. I am the first of my class, I am also the first of my high school in a graduating class of more than eight hundred people… that must mean something! ('that is not countless" doesn't make sense. In American English, "countless" means that the quantity is too high to be counted)! And my school report is exceptional, I have all A's. There are mountains of A's in my student records: A in math, A in literature, A in physics, A in Biology, A in French, and just for a change A in Spanish. In the electives? Let me think, A in Art and in Economics and public policy… A-. Minus? Doesn’t matter. What! Nobody cares about the minus and the plus, it is old fashioned… No I’m sure nobody will notice that, I can be quiet. A little minus sign cannot prevent me from attending Harvard. Ok keep cool Serena, that was not in your plan but everything is under control. Take a breath. Take a deep breath…

    [crying]

    Oh my god! I forgot that dang (or darned, don't use fucking, in America a student would be sent to the principal's office, and severely scolded for using that word. The parents would even be called. It is EXTREMELY vulgar!) minus. Oh no, it’s over. What am I going to do? My life is ruined! There’s no Serena Clark anymore.
    xxxxx
    [looking at her envelope]

    Damned, not this one!

    [leaving the room, still crying].

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 01-12-2010 06:08
    Il est demandé aux membres qui répondront de signaler les fautes, d'aider le demandeur à se corriger, mais de ne jamais faire le travail à sa place. Merci d'y penser lors de votre prochaine participation. µCordialement.µ





    Réponse: Monologue de peyton483, postée le 01-12-2010 à 17:43:40 (S | E)
    Merci pour toutes vos réponses!

    Par contre, par rapport au mot F** très vulgaire, je suis d'accord mais dans le contexte il pourrait être utilisé non? En effet, la jeune fille n'est pas au lycée mais seulement chez elle, elle vient de recevoir la lettre qui pourra peut-être lui permettre d'entrer à Harvard... Face au stress et à l'énervement, les adolescents parlent de manière plutôt relâchée. Pareil pour le "screwed up", dans le contexte ça pourrait marcher non? Enfin peut-être que j'évalue mal la portée de ces mots: je pense à des expressions françaises comme pour "screwed up" "raté" ("ma vie est ratée...") et "f" pour "putain" (qui est très vulgaire aussi).
    En fait, notre professeur nous a encouragé à adopter le ton d'un ado, et de ne pas utiliser un niveau de langue trop "elevated" qui serait HS.




    Réponse: Monologue de lucile83, postée le 01-12-2010 à 18:42:54 (S | E)
    Hello,

    adopter le ton d'un ado comme vous dites n'est pas forcément prononcer des mots tels que f... ou p....toutes les 3 secondes!
    Ce style-là est un style ordurier, loin de l'image de l'ado moyen.

    Best wishes.



    Réponse: Monologue de peyton483, postée le 01-12-2010 à 21:16:52 (S | E)
    Donc j'ai essayé de prendre en compte toutes vos suggestions, voici ce que cela donne:





    "I’m super excited!!! Oh this is so great!

    [clap my hands]

    Oh Serena, today is D-day! In a minute you will officially be accepted to Harvard! Serena Clark a Harvard student! Oh that sounds so wonderful!

    Oh cute little envelope, here you are! I’ve been waiting for you for months!

    Oh my God! I’m so happy because I know that I got into that college, there are no doubts about that. Yes of course there are no doubts… It is written in my heart, in my mind and even in my hands! Yeah that medium from Peru read the lines of my hands and she has seen it. I can see the H of Harvard right here. I don’t have to worry. And everything is already planned for my entrance in Harvard: the apartment next to the college is rented, the cafeteria tickets are paid for and I even look like a Harvard student. Everything is under control.

    And anyway, Harvard is not only my future, I am the future of Harvard, Harvard needs me. Actually, I am the perfect student, who could refuse my candidacy? No one! Come on, I’m super bright, super charismatic, super dedicated, super organized, super beautiful and super… confident, right. But I have good reasons. I'm the valedictorian of my class, I am also the first of my high school where there are more than eight hundred people… that must mean something! And my school report card is just exceptional, I have only/all A’s. There are mountains of A’s in my reports: A in Math, A in Literature, A in Physics, A in Biology, A in French, and just for a change A in Spanish. In the optional subjects/electives? Let me think, A in Art and in Economics and public policy… A-. Minus? Doesn’t matter. What! Nobody cares about the minus and the plus, it is old fashioned… No I’m sure nobody will notice that, don’t worry Serena. A little minus sign cannot prevent me from attending Harvard. Ok keep cool Serena, that was not in your plan but everything is under control. Take a breath. Take a deep breath…

    [crying]

    Oh my god! I forgot that damn minus. Oh no, I haven't got a chance anymore, it’s over. What am I gonna do? My life is screwed up! There’s no Serena Clark anymore.

    Oh shit I need to commit suicide! Where can I find an envelope?

    [looking at her envelope]

    Damned, not this one!

    [leaving the room, still crying].




    Par contre j'ai une petite question à Angie313b: vous m'avez conseillée de dire "I have all A’s" mais peut-on aussi employer l'expression "I have only A's"? Est-ce que c'est équivalent?



    Merci à tous encore une fois :D!!!



    Réponse: Monologue de angie313b, postée le 02-12-2010 à 17:29:47 (S | E)
    On peut dire "only A's" aussi,c'est équivalent, mais "it just sounds more right" dire "all A's."
    Aussi, un ado moyen ne dirait pas le "f" mot "the F word" d'habitude. Le "F" mot est plus vulgaire que "merde" et "putain."
    Je ne sais pas un mot équivalent en français. Je t'aiderai avec l'anglais et tu peux m'aider avec le français?:-D

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 02-12-2010 18:29
    These words are similar, but F...is the worst of them, both in English and French.
    I can't tell you the word here on the forum but peyton will in a PM, I think.




    Réponse: Monologue de peyton483, postée le 02-12-2010 à 18:07:22 (S | E)
    Ok d'accord je conserve votre version! Merci beaucoup en tout cas!
    Vous souhaitez que je vous aide en Français? Si vous avez des questions n'hésitez pas, j'essayerai d'y répondre de mon mieux



    Encore une fois: à tous

    -------------------
    Modifié par peyton483 le 02-12-2010 18:07






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