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    Correction/essai TOEFL

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Correction/essai TOEFL
    Message de justoefl posté le 13-08-2011 à 15:21:28 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour!

    Je prépare actuellement le TOEFL. Je n'ai pas les moyens de me payer des cours donc j'ai acheté des livres (qui sont déjà très onéreux) et je m'entraîne en autonomie chez moi. Cela fonctionne bien pour la partie compréhension écrite et orale mais c'est plus difficile en ce qui concerne l'expression écrite. J'écris mes essais mais comme personne ne me les corrige je ne progresse pas. C'est pour ça que je sollicite aujourd'hui votre aide . Je ne sais pas si le forum est adapté pour ce genre de demande mais je ne perds rien à tenter.
    Y a t'il des erreurs notables dans mon essai ?
    Je vous remercie à l'avance et je m'excuse de la faiblesse de mes arguments, dûs en partie au faible intérêt que je portais à ce sujet^^.

    Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live ?

    Food had always took a huge part in human life. Although nowadays it's easy to prepare quickly a meal, that was not always the case. Woman especially, could stay hours in their kitchen to prepare dinner. We can wonder whether this change in the daily life improved the way people live.

    Considering that food has become easier to prepare, it's obvious, in the same time, it has become faster to cook. Therefore, more time can be used to work or have fun, instead of cooking. We can enjoy our entire morning before thinking to prepare dinner. Thus, it's clear that this improvement is a huge step in the overbooked people's life.
    Likewise, I am convinced that this change had improved above all else women's life. Especially housewives, who can spend more time with their family than in their kitchen. Furthermore, to my mind this change had helped women to emancipate and erase some clichés as “women in stoves”.
    Additionally, everybody can be nowadays self contained and independent. Everybody can prepare a dinner, it's not necessary to be a master chef to cook an egg or put a plate in the microwave oven.

    Nevertheless, “fast meal” doesn't mean good food . In fact, convenience food and typical American fast food are bad for health. We can see the consequences of a bad feeding on a part of the American population. I am chocked by the fact that nowadays in our rich countries some people destroy themselves with overfeeding , or with junk food whereas in the poor countries people die of malnutrition and because an inconceivable lack of food.
    So in a certain way, it's difficult to claim that this change has improved the way people live. People now prefer prepare food easy and quickly to cook, than prepare a real dinner, with all the nutriments and the elements that our bodies need. Consequently this change paved the way of junk food, and hasn't a good effect on our health.
    Moreover, to my mind, cooking has to still a pleasure, a gift for our family, a moment shares together and not a chore we want to clear up.

    To conclude, I would say that it's difficult to say whether this change - preparing food faster and easier - improved the way people live. In the one hand, yes, this change clearly make easier the overbooked people's life, and had permitted in a sense the women to emancipate and leave the kitchen. But on the other hand it is medically demonstrated that eat junk food, fast food or merely eat quickly, has not good effect on our health.


    Je suis ouverte à toute idée, ou conseil pour améliorer mon expression

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 13-08-2011 16:29


    Réponse: Correction/essai TOEFL de sherry48, postée le 14-08-2011 à 02:44:46 (S | E)
    Hello justoefl.

    It's really not too bad! Here are some suggestions to get you started.

    Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live ?

    Food had always took 1 a huge part in human life. Although nowadays it's easy to prepare quickly 2 a meal, that was not always the case. Woman especially, could stay hours in their kitchen 3 to prepare dinner. We can wonder whether this change in the daily life improved 1 the way people live.

    Considering that food has become easier to prepare, it's obvious, in 4the same time, it has become faster to cook. Therefore, more time can be used to work or have fun, instead of cooking. We can enjoy our entire morning before thinking to prepare 5 dinner. Thus, it's clear that this improvement is a huge step in the overbooked people's life.6
    Likewise, I am convinced that this change had 1 improved above all else women's life 6. Especially housewives, who can spend more time with their family than in their kitchen. Furthermore, to my mind this change had 1 helped women to emancipate and erase some clichés as “women in 4 stoves”.
    Additionally, everybody can be nowadays self contained and independent. Everybody can prepare a dinner, it's not necessary to be a master chef to cook an egg or put a plate 7 in the microwave oven.

    Nevertheless, “fast meal” doesn't mean good food . In fact, convenience food and typical American fast food are bad for health. We can see the consequences of a bad feeding 6 on a 8 part of the American population. I am chocked by the fact that nowadays in our rich countries some people destroy themselves with overfeeding 7 , or with junk food whereas in the poor countries people die of malnutrition and because 4an inconceivable lack of food.
    So in a certain way, it's difficult to claim that this change has improved the way people live. People now prefer prepare 1food easy and quickly to cook, than prepare a real dinner, with all the nutriments and the elements that our bodies need. Consequently this change paved the way of junk food, and hasn't 1 a good effect on our health.
    Moreover, to my mind, cooking has to 1 still a pleasure, a gift for our family, a moment shares 1 together and not a chore we want to clear up.

    To conclude, I would say that it's difficult to say whether this change - preparing food faster and easier - improved 1 the way people live. In 4 the one hand, yes, this change clearly make 3 easier the overbooked people's life, and had 1 permitted in a sense the women to emancipate and leave the kitchen. But on the other hand it is medically demonstrated that eat 1 junk food, fast food or merely eat 1 quickly, has not 1 8 good effect on our health.
    1. verb tense
    2. invert
    3. does not agree in number
    4. different preposition/or add a preposition
    5. not the infinitive
    6. revise
    7. not the best translation
    8. article
    Sherry



    Réponse: Correction/essai TOEFL de justoefl, postée le 14-08-2011 à 12:16:14 (S | E)
    Hello! Thank you very much for your answer, I will try to correct these mistakes!

    Food has always taken a huge part in human life (is it better here to use the present perfect than the past perfect?). Although nowadays it's easy to quickly prepare a meal, that was not always the case. Women especially, could stay hours in their kitchen to prepare dinner. We can wonder whether this change in daily life has improved the way people live.

    Considering that food has become easier to prepare, it's obvious, at the same time, it has become faster to cook. Therefore, more time can be used to work or have fun, instead of cooking. We can enjoy our entire morning before thinking preparing (it is possible to use to 'V-ING'in a row?)dinner. Thus, it's clear that this improvement is a huge step in the life of overbooked people .
    Likewise, I am convinced that this change has improved above all else women's lives. Especially housewives, who can spend more time with their family than in their kitchen. Furthermore, to my mind this change has helped women to emancipate and erase some clichés as "women slaving over a hot".
    Additionally, everybody can be nowadays self contained and independent. Everybody can prepare a dinner, it's not necessary to be a master chef to cook an egg or put a dish in the microwave oven.

    Nevertheless, “fast meal” doesn't mean good food . In fact, convenience food and typical American fast food are bad for health. We can see the consequences of a poor diet in part of the American population. I am chocked by the fact that nowadays in our rich countries some people destroy themselves with overeating , or with junk food whereas in the poor countries people die of malnutrition and because of an inconceivable lack of food.
    So in a certain way, it's difficult to claim that this change has improved the way people live. People now prefer preparing food easy and quickly to cook, than prepare a real dinner, with all the nutriments and the elements that our bodies need. Consequently this change paved the way of junk food, and hasn't had (I am not sure but i don't think that the present is a good solution so I decided to use de present perfect) a good effect on our health.
    Moreover, to my mind, cooking must still a pleasure, a gift for our family, a moment shared together and not a chore we want to clear up.

    To conclude, I would say that it's difficult to say whether this change - preparing food faster and easier - has improved the way people live. On the one hand, yes, this change clearly makes easier the overbooked people's life, and has permitted in a sense the women to emancipate and leave the kitchen. But on the other hand it is medically demonstrated that eating junk food, fast food or merely eating quickly, hasn't got (I have no idea on this..) a good effect on our health.

    Thank you very much Sherry, it's very useful for me!! I hope improving myself by doing essays, and correcting, each time my mistakes in the next months.




    Réponse: Correction/essai TOEFL de sherry48, postée le 15-08-2011 à 02:52:31 (S | E)
    Hello again!
    Most of your corrections are good.
    In this sentence...Food has always taken...your grammar is now good, but you could also consider a more common expression such as...Food has always played an important role...To use the past here would seem to indicate a change--that previously food had a huge part, and now it doesn't, for example.

    Next--quickly prepare, I suggested inverting, which you did, but another possibility is... to prepare a meal quickly...just prepare quickly a meal didn't quite work.

    Women especially, could stay hours in their kitchen to prepare (the infinitive is not the best choice)dinner.

    Your next question...before thinking preparing (it is possible to use to 'V-ING'in a row?) This will work if you say 'thinking about preparing'.

    Next..in the life of overbooked people...'overbooked' is most often used in the case of an airplane flight, a doctor's office, etc. However, I can't think of another adjective to describe the busy lifestyle that you mean here.

    Next...women's lives is ok, or you could say the lives of women. You're missing the last word in your idiom...women slaving over a hot...

    chocked is a spelling mistake

    Also...preparing food easy and quickly to cook...just a slight change...preparing food that is quick and easy (to prepare). Or avoid the double use of prepare by saying, 'prefer to cook...'

    Next...paved the way of junk food...this is ok, but it may be more often stated...'paved the way for'.

    Nutriments or nutrients (the second is more current in the U.S.)? It's not necessary to repeat the article (the nutriments and the elements).

    Hasn't had...yes!

    You made a change here, but the main problem was the lack of a verb...cooking must still___a pleasure

    This phrase......the women to emancipate, can be better stated with emancipate in the noun form at the beginning, but you will then have to change the next part.

    Next...it is medically demonstrated...would be better in the past tense.
    ...'hasn't had a good effect on our health' was what I had in mind.

    Finally, check the spelling on self contained. Sherry



    Réponse: Correction/essai TOEFL de justoefl, postée le 15-08-2011 à 11:37:55 (S | E)
    Hello again again!

    - Women could stay hours in their kitchen preparing dinner.
    - Women slaving over a hot stove.
    - shocked.
    - I made a huge mistake and I used "still" like a verb!! I mixed up still with remain.
    - It was medically demonstrated.

    I hope that now it's good! And also I hope that in my next essay there will be less mistakes^^.
    Thank you again for giving me minutes of your time (and I know that time is always precious).





    Réponse: Correction/essai TOEFL de sherry48, postée le 15-08-2011 à 13:36:54 (S | E)
    Hi, and you're welcome, justoefl! You know, it is possible for 'still' to be a verb, but not in this sense. Sherry




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