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    Correction/ basic needs

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Correction/ basic needs
    Message de toefltaker posté le 20-08-2011 à 16:09:11 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour à tous,

    Préparant actuellement the Writing section of the TOEFL test on my own, I was wondering whether someone could help me to improve my written English by correcting my essay below.
    With more gratitude than I can express, many thanks.

    I often heard people complaining and saying that governments don’t pay enough attention to our basic needs, but prefer investing in unnecessary things such as space discovery or raising buildings for people to see sight. Since I live in France
    I can on one hand support such an opinion but I have to admit that government is also concerned about the needs of their citizens as well.

    Indeed organizations, which take care about homeless for instance, find a major part of their funding thanks to the government they depend on. Moreover, government plays an important role in making people respect the laws that are indispensable to live all together and peacefully. For these reasons, we cannot deny that government takes part in our basic needs, the one to live in a safe country in particular.

    Nevertheless, I can support people saying that the funds of governments are sometimes wasted. In France for instance, it is a well-known fact that people lack hospitals. Therefore it is sometimes difficult to have an injury treated quickly and to recover from a disease under the best of conditions. That is why government should use its funds in building such healthcare facilities.

    Furthermore government could invest more in its education systems too for the pupils to have both academic knowledge and social one too. In promoting social knowledge, we can imagine enforcing measures in school to raise awareness of sexual disease or dangers of alcohol, tobacco or drugs.

    Last but not least, government could spend more time and money in a topical issue that is environment. Even though some people cannot understand the effects of environmental troubles today, it is still important to keep in mind that government has to ensure our living in long term as well as the living of our children beyond our ones.

    As a conclusion we cannot deny that government contributes to make life safer and safer that is one of our basic needs, but on second thought, it appears that it could focus more on things that are still missing for its citizens instead of investing in new but unnecessary fields.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 20-08-2011 16:5titre


    Réponse: Correction/ basic needs de notrepere, postée le 23-08-2011 à 08:07:09 (S | E)
    Hello

    I often heard (1) people complaining and saying that governments don’t pay enough attention to our basic needs, but prefer investing (2) in unnecessary things such as space discovery or raising buildings for people to see sight (1). Since I live in France
    I can on the one hand support such an opinion but I have to admit that government is also concerned about the needs of their citizens as well.

    (1) A revoir/temps/verbe/tour de phrase
    (2) Infinitif
    (3) forme du mot

    Indeed organizations, which take care about (1) homeless for instance, find a major part of their funding thanks to the government they depend on. Moreover, government plays an important role in making people respect the laws that are indispensable to live all together and peacefully (1). For these reasons, we cannot deny that government takes part in our basic needs, the (1) one to live in a safe country in particular.

    Nevertheless, I can support people saying that the funds of governments (1) are sometimes wasted. In France for instance, it is a well-known fact that people lack hospitals. Therefore it is sometimes difficult to have an injury treated quickly and to recover from a disease under the best of conditions. That is why government should use its funds in building such healthcare facilities.

    Furthermore government could invest more in its education systems too for the pupils to have both academic knowledge and social one too (1). In promoting social knowledge, we can imagine enforcing measures in school to raise awareness of sexual disease or dangers of alcohol, tobacco or drugs.

    Last but not least, government could spend more time and money in a topical issue that is environment (1). Even though some people cannot understand the effects of environmental troubles today, it is still important to keep in mind that government has to ensure our living in the long term as well as the living (3) of our children beyond our ones.

    As a conclusion we cannot deny that government contributes to make life safer and safer that safety is one of our basic needs, but on second thought the other hand, it appears that it could focus more on things that are still missing for its citizens instead of investing in new but unnecessary fields.


    -------------------
    Modifié par notrepere le 23-08-2011 08:10






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