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    Correction/ Présentation

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Correction/ Présentation
    Message de bastoo posté le 22-10-2011 à 18:40:22 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour tout le monde,

    j'aurais besoin de conseils pour ma présentation s'il vous plaît. Savoir s'il y a de grosses fautes surtout.
    Merci d'avance.

    [...]
    Today, I'm talking about the Steve Jobs tribute all over the world, and I will try to answer to the question: Why such hype about the death of Steve Jobs ?
    [...]
    I have divided my presentation into five parts :
    - The first one deals with Steve Jobs,
    - The second one is related to inventions of Steve Jobs,
    - Then we will see what it has changed our lives,
    - Finally, we will see the tribute to Steve Jobs,
    - I will finish my presentation by a conclusion.

    First I'll give you a brief overview of Steve Jobs.
    Steve Jobs was born in San Francisco in 1955 (nineteen fifty five).
    Steve Jobs was an American contractor, a computer scientist and an innovator.
    He was co-founder with Steve Wozniak of Apple Company in 1976 (nineteen seventy six). Why Apple ? Steve Jobs was part of the hippie movement and found his friends on a farm where they ate apples. It is also a tribute to I. Newton.
    After being Chief Executive Officer (CEO), He is fired from his own company in 1985 (nineteen eighty five).
    After his eviction, he founded NEXT and bought Pixar studios.
    In 1996 (nineteen ninety six) When Apple company is in bad health, Steve Jobs is back. Apple company back on their feet.
    In august 2011 (two thousand and eleven), Steve Jobs feels weak. He resigned as he promised. He dead five October 2011.

    That brings me to my next point : Inventions of Steve Jobs.
    The first Apple computer was born in Jobs's garage in 1976 (nineteen seventy six).
    In 1984 (nineteen eighty four) Steve Jobs unveils the Macintosh. He said " Insanely great " project.
    [...]
    2010 (two thousand and ten) was the year of the consecration with the iPad.

    Let's move on to the following point : The life with Jobs's inventions.
    Steve Jobs has revolutionized entire economic sectors by the power of imagination and technology.
    Steve Jobs has made the technology more attractive, easy to use, as a toaster and especially essential.
    He pushed the consumer to identify with objects. In the past, no one imagined that the phone and computer becomes an individual product. Including music and film in a primarily commercial purpose virtues, Steve Jobs has enabled its customers to put a little personality.
    Steve Jobs was able to anticipate the needs of its customers and help them achieve their aspirations and dreams.
    He understood customer expectations: Ergonomic, Design, Performance.
    His vision, his talent and imagination have transformed our way of life.
    For example, iPhone: Serve the people and facilitate their lives. Move, Buy online, Play, Find an address, surf anywhere, read the press ... small things that is change, upon which the lives of individuals.

    Now, let's get to the last point: Tribute is it an exaggeration ?
    The day of Job's death, several important people, websites and newspapers have made a tribute.
    [...]
    Moreover, the fans have been present in the street, or in front of company headquarters.
    [...]

    To conclude my topic, I will say that while Steve Jobs didn't design A to Z his devices. We must render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Here is a man able to get out of the proceeds from nothingness, because, Apple has attracted the most talented engineers to achieve what everyone thought impossible.
    Still, this guy had a vision, he saw what no one else saw and had the strength to convince them that is was feasible.
    Just imagine, for a moment, a world in which Steve Jobs had never lived. How might daily life be different?
    Computers are still around, but not as you know them. They're complex, hateful things.
    Smartphones are bulky bricks with thick keyboards.
    That is why the word genius is bandied about it.
    Steve Jobs turned his energy to creating new offerings that change people's lives.
    Small wonder we grieve today. This explains why so many people are sad. The grief experienced is the same that you hugged the day when an artist that you love disappears.
    Infatuation about his death is legitimate, as it has changed our lives and the future.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 22-10-2011 22:08


    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de bastoo, postée le 23-10-2011 à 16:39:40 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    y aurait-il trop à corriger que personne ne m'a répondu ?
    Cordialement.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 23-10-2011 16:52



    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de lucile83, postée le 23-10-2011 à 16:59:41 (S | E)
    Bonjour,
    Merci pour votre message et de patienter un peu car les membres du site sont sans doute occupés ailleurs (vie de famille ou activité professionnelle par exemple); dès qu'un membre pourra vous aider il le fera.
    Cordialement.

    Il me semble sentir l'influence de Wikipedia...right?



    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de bastoo, postée le 23-10-2011 à 17:12:04 (S | E)
    Pas de problèmes, je comprends très bien, j'aurai dû m'y prendre plus tôt... Je passe demain =/
    Sinon, oui, bien sûr qu'il y a du Wikipédia, pour ce qui est du 1er et 2ème point !
    Le reste, c'est surtout de la recherche d'article de journaux sur internet. Comme voulu par le professeur.



    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de sherry48, postée le 23-10-2011 à 19:56:59 (S | E)
    Hello bastoo. Here are some ideas to get you started. spelling - a different word - placement - the verb tense/agreement - * a missing word
    Today, I'm talking about the Steve Jobs tribute all over the world, and I will try to answer to the question: Why such hype about the death of Steve Jobs ?
    I have divided my presentation into five parts :
    - The first one deals with Steve Jobs,
    - The second one is related to * inventions of Steve Jobs,
    - Then we will see what it has changed our lives,
    - Finally, we will see the tribute to Steve Jobs,
    - I will finish my presentation by a conclusion.

    ...After being Chief Executive Officer (CEO), He is fired from his own company in 1985 (nineteen eighty five).
    After his eviction, he founded NEXT and bought Pixar studios.
    In 1996 (nineteen ninety six) When Apple company is in bad health, Steve Jobs is back. Apple company * back on their feet.
    In august 2011 (two thousand and eleven), Steve Jobs feels weak. He resigned as he promised. He dead five October 2011.

    That brings me to my next point : *Inventions of Steve Jobs.
    The first Apple computer was born in Jobs's garage in 1976 (nineteen seventy six).
    In 1984 (nineteen eighty four) Steve Jobs unveils the Macintosh. He said " Insanely great " project.
    2010 (two thousand and ten) was the year of the consecration with the iPad.

    Let's move on to the following point : The life with Jobs's inventions.
    Steve Jobs has revolutionized entire economic sectors by the power of imagination and technology.
    Steve Jobs has made the technology more attractive, * easy to use as a toaster and especially essential.
    He pushed the consumer to identify with objects. In the past, no one imagined that the phone and computer becomes an individual product. Including music and film in a primarily commercial purpose virtues, Steve Jobs has enabled its customers to put a little personality. (revise)
    For example, iPhone: Serve the people and facilitate their lives. Move, Buy online, Play, Find an address, surf anywhere, read the press (I would use gerunds.)... small things that is change, upon which the lives of individuals. (revise)
    Now, let's get to the last point: * Tribute, is it an exaggeration ?
    The day of Job's death, several important people, websites and newspapers have made a tribute.
    [...]
    Moreover, the fans have been present in the street, or in front of company headquarters.
    [...]

    To conclude my topic, I will say that while Steve Jobs didn't design A to Z his devices. We must render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's. Here is a man able to get out of the proceeds from nothingness (revise), because, Apple has attracted the most talented engineers to achieve what everyone thought impossible.
    Still, this guy had a vision, he saw what no one else saw and had the strength to convince them that is was feasible.
    Just imagine, for a moment, a world in which Steve Jobs had never lived. How might daily life be different?
    Computers are still around, but not as you know them. They're complex, hateful things.
    Smartphones are bulky bricks with thick keyboards.
    That is why the word genius is bandied about it.
    ...The grief experienced is the same that you hugged the day when an artist that you love disappears.
    Infatuation about his death is legitimate, as it has changed our lives and the future.
    Bonne continuation. Sherry




    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de bastoo, postée le 23-10-2011 à 20:40:37 (S | E)
    Thanks for you answer.

    Cependant, je ne vois pas toujours ce qui ne va pas ...

    Dans la première partie par exemple, je ne vois, ni quel mot rajouter, ni comment remplacer les WHAT et BY ...

    Pour le 2ème paragraphe, j'imagine que c'est HE WAS FIRED, A.C. WAS IN BAD HEALTH
    Par contre, pour le IS, le FEELS et le DEAD, je ne vois pas du tout ! Surtout pour le FEELS (se sentir ...)

    Pour le 3ème, UNVEILS me semble adapter, puisqu'il veut dire: Dévoiler ... non ?

    Pour le 4ème, je ne vois pas quoi mettre devant EASY TO USE ...
    Tout comme comment reformuler les phrases suivantes, qui sont tirés d'articles d'internet de CNN ... ^^
    Pour BECOME, je ne vois pas trop, a part mettre BECOMING ... Pour les exemples, je comprends par contre ! Mais je veux des verbes a l'infinitif !

    Pour la conclusion, j'ai déjà eu du mal pour mettre de A a Z ! Je suis sur de l'avoir appris, l'expression, mais je ne me rappelle plus ....
    L'expression en italique a revoir, je ne vois pas comment le traduire autrement ... 'Sortir des produits du néant' ...
    Pour les ARE, ce doit être du futur c'est ca ?
    Pour les derniers mots en bleus, par contre ... Je ne vois pas ...

    Encore merci pour ta réponse.



    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de sherry48, postée le 23-10-2011 à 21:35:48 (S | E)
    Hello again.
    1. You could say 'we will see what it has changed in our lives', but I think 'how it has changed' is better.
    2. Yes, he was fired, he was in bad health. All of these happened several years ago, so present tense is not appropriate. To feel is an irregular past tense verb...do you know it? As for dead, use the verb to die.
    3. In 1985, he unveiled the Mac.
    4. I think you want a simile, so you need to say 'as easy to use as.' As for become, you have a conditional sentence--no one imagined that the computer would become...
    5. while Steve Jobs didn't design A to Z his devices...his devices needs to be after the verb..he didn't design his devices from A to Z.
    6. 'Sortir des produits du néant'--my French is kind of mediocre, but I think you want to say something like this...a man who had a concept different from anything which previously existed...
    For smartphones are, again it's a conditional sentence.
    The grief experienced...maybe you could say.... is similar to that experienced when an artist that you love disappears.
    If I have missed anything, let me know...have a good evening. Sherry



    Réponse: Correction/ Présentation de bastoo, postée le 23-10-2011 à 21:56:17 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,

    Merci bien, grâce à toi, la plupart de mes "grosses" erreurs ont été gommées.
    Encore merci,
    En espérant que tout se passe bien demain.




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