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    Présentation/achievement

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Présentation/achievement
    Message de camay76 posté le 26-09-2012 à 09:36:01 (S | E | F)
    Hi everybody,

    I have to do a presentation for my English class at school. The subject is "an achievement".
    I wrote the text I will pronounce in oral but I don't know if there are mistakes.
    Could you please check my text?

    "Hi everybody,
    Can I have your attention please?
    Today I’m going to talk to you about an achievement. I chose as subject on thing about a project I really would like to accomplish. This project is the 4Ltrophy.
    It’s a humanitarian rally which has as objective to provide children with school supplies. And we will give them these school supplies during our trip across Morocco due to a Renault 4L.
    Well, to come back to the achievement related with this rally, I would like to tell you when I got my first sponsor. Generally, it’s very difficult to find sponsors to finance activities of associations because companies would not like to lose money, mainly currently with the financial crisis. In fact, for the moment, we have just a quarter of the totality required in the budget.
    So, I find the first sponsor with the help of my mum because she spoke about my project to her banker who is also mine. Thanks to her, I call my banker and I got an interview to convince him to take part in our project. He accepted the partnership with our team and gave us 6 hundred euros. It appears very easy to convince company but in most cases, when you don’t know personally your speaker, it is very difficult.
    With Kévin, we did a really good sponsoring folder. I’m rather proud of us but It’s not enough. In my opinion, first, you really have to know your speaker or to know someone who knows someone else in a company to have a chance in sponsoring.
    You must have a lot of relationship and you must be lucky.
    So, I hope my presentation interested you.
    Thank you for your attention."

    Thanks a lot.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 26-09-2012 18:25


    Réponse: Présentation/achievement de kolimang, postée le 26-09-2012 à 20:34:43 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    Voici quelques premiers éléments de correction. N'étant pas expert, je laisse la suite aux membres plus expérimentés.

    "Hi everybody,
    Can I have your attention please?
    Today I’m going to talk to you about an achievement. I chose as subject one (thing about) (side/aspect of) a project I really would like to accomplish. This project is the 4Ltrophy.
    It’s a humanitarian rally which has as objective (1) to provide children with school supplies. And We will give them these school supplies during our trip across Morocco due to (2) a Renault 4L.
    Well, to come back to the achievement related with this rally, I would like to tell you when I got my first sponsor. Generally, it’s very difficult to find sponsors to finance activities of associations because companies would not like to lose money, mainly currently with the financial crisis. In fact, for the moment, we have just a quarter of the (totality) (3) required in the budget.
    So, I find (4) the first sponsor with the help of my mum because she spoke about my project to her banker who is also mine. Thanks to her, I call (5) my banker and I got an interview to convince him to take part in our project. He accepted the partnership with our team and gave us 6 hundred euros. It appears very easy to convince company (plural) but in most cases, when you don’t know personally your speaker (6), it is very difficult.
    With Kévin, we did a really good sponsoring folder. I’m rather proud of us but it’s not enough. In my opinion, first, you really have to know your speaker (7) or to know someone who knows someone else in a company to have a chance in sponsoring.
    You must have a lot of relationship and you must be lucky.
    So, I hope my presentation interested you.
    Thank you for your attention."

    (1) il me semble que traduire "C'est un rallye humanitaire dont l'objectif est de fournir ..." serait plus élégant. Si besoin, voir ici pour la traduction de "dont" : Lien internet

    (2) l'usage de "due to" me semble bizarre ici, mais mieux vaut attendre d'autres avis
    (3) je traduirais "montant" ou "montant total"
    (4) et (5) erreurs de temps
    (6) et (7) "your speaker" me semble un peu ambigu dans ces phrases ; je traduirais "la personne à laquelle vous parlez"



    Réponse: Présentation/achievement de camay76, postée le 27-09-2012 à 19:36:29 (S | E)
    Pouvez-vous m'aidez svp s'il vous plaît, mon exposé est pour demain et j'aimerais mettre toutes les chances de mon côté et éviter les mistakes fautes.
    Merci.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 27-09-2012 19:59



    Réponse: Présentation/achievement de lucile83, postée le 27-09-2012 à 20:02:29 (S | E)
    Hello,

    Et si vous commenciez à corriger votre texte avec les indications déjà données?
    Personne ne fera le travail à votre place.



    Réponse: Présentation/achievement de camay76, postée le 27-09-2012 à 21:06:24 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    je l'ai déjà fait mais on m'a dit de voir avec des personnes plus pro donc je fais encore appel à vous.
    Voilà les modifications faites :

    An achievement
    Hi everybody,
    Can I have your attention please?
    Today I’m going to talk to you about an achievement. I chose as subject one side of a project I really want to accomplish. This project is the 4Ltrophy.
    It’s a humanitarian rally whose objective is to provide children with school supplies. We will give them these school supplies during our trip across Morocco thanks to a Renault 4L.
    Well, to come back to the achievement related with this rally, I would like to explain you how I got my first sponsor because it was an important step in our project. Generally, it’s very difficult to find sponsors to finance activities of associations because companies don’t really want to lose money, mainly because of the financial crisis. Besides it is the main argument of companies to tell us that they can’t. For the moment, we have just a quarter of the total required for the departure.
    So, I found the first sponsor with the help of my mum because she spoke about my project to her banker, who is also mine. Then, I called my banker and I got an interview to convince him to take part in our trip. After a long time of negotiation, he accepted the partnership with our team and gave us 6 hundred euros. Currently it is the main sponsor we have. It appears very easy to convince companies but in most cases, when you don’t know personally your speaker, it is very difficult.
    With Kévin, we did a really good sponsoring file and we took the necessary steps, so, I’m rather proud of us but it’s not enough, we have to continued again and again. In my opinion, you really have to know your speaker or to know someone who knows someone else in a company to have a chance in sponsoring.
    You must have a lot of relationship and you must be a little bit lucky.
    So, I hope my presentation interested you.
    Thank you for your attention.
    If you have any questions about this subject, I’m ready to answer you

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 27-09-2012 21:54




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