Correction/Diary of Immigrant

Correction/Diary of Immigrant
Message de happyboy3311 posté le 26-09-2013 à 17:26:01 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

En classe, nous travaillons actuellement sur l'histoire d'Ellis Island. Notre professeur nous a demandé d'écrire un texte de 200 mots en nous mettant à la place d'un immigrant en partance pour Ellis Island, de raconter son départ, son voyage et son arrivée. Je pense avoir fait quelques erreurs... Pourriez-vous m'aider à les trouver ?
Merci d'avance pour votre réponse !

D.1:
This is it. Today is the time for me to leave home. I have been preparing this one way journey for months. Now, I can see the landscape of Warsaw, my homeland, running and I’m thinking about my family. They may be still crying. I hope that they will be able to join me soon. Besides I wish I could manage my life in America…The train is stopping…

D.2:
I didn’t sleep a lot. Indeed I left the train station very early. I will walk during two days.
I’m looking forward to arriving to the boat! I have saved money just enough to make my journey… I’m exciting!

D.5:
I’m arriving yesterday! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people… Whereas first and second class citizens have cabins, the third class sleeps in the hold and on the steerage. It’s dirty and overcrowded! I’m afraid however I want to fulfil my dream…

D.10:
The see is calm. On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feeling lonely… I miss my family…
If I made an upward mobility I would send money to Warsaw! They will be proud of their son.

D.27:
When I saw the Statue of Liberty it was amazing! Men asked me a lot then they said “Welcome to the land of the free!”
America, I’m here!

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Modifié par lucile83 le 26-09-2013 18:49

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de gerondif, postée le 26-09-2013 à 18:36:44 (S | E)
Hello,

D.1:
This is it. Today is the time for me to leave home. I have been preparing this one way journey for months. Now, I can see the landscape of Warsaw, my homeland, running and I’m thinking about my family. They may be still crying. I hope that they will be able to join me soon. Besides (I hope I will manage serait un espoir vers le futur, I wish i could est un regret)I wish I could manage my life in America…The train is stopping…

D.2:
I didn’t sleep a lot (much est plus relevé). Indeed I left the train station very early. I will walk during two days.(during répond à la question when alors que for répond à la question how long: I was ill for two days during the holidays)
I’m looking forward to arriving to the boat! I have saved money just enough to make my journey… I’m exciting(participe passé)!

D.5:
I’m arriving yesterday(tomorrow serait plus logique)! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people… Whereas first and second class citizens have cabins, the third class sleeps in the hold and on the steerage. It’s dirty and overcrowded! I’m afraid, however I want to fulfil my dream…

D.10:
The see is calm.(whereas irait bien) On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feeling lonely… I miss my family…
If I made an upward mobility I would send money to Warsaw! They will be proud of their son.

D.27:
When I saw the Statue of Liberty it was amazing! Men asked me a lot (sens?)then they said “Welcome to the land of the free!”
America, I’m here!(here I am!)

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de angel7, postée le 26-09-2013 à 18:55:39 (S | E)
Hello,
here are some corrections

D5: there are a lot of people
D10: I think you wanted to say sea
D27: when I saw the statue of liberty I was amazing, I find it was amazing sounds awkward for me. I saw the statue of liberty that's why I was amazing
land of freedom
Take care

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Modifié par angel7 le 26-09-2013 18:56

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Modifié par angel7 le 27-09-2013 10:34
I checked it, "land of free" is right

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 18:56:54 (S | E)
Hello gerondif,

Donc : wish I hope I will manage my life in America / I will walk for two days / I’m excited / Yesterday, I arrived (parce qu'il est arrivé sur le bateau la veille) / the third class sleep / ?

(Pour "Men asked me a lot", je voulais en fait dire que des hommes lui avaient posé beaucoup de questions)

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 19:14:35 (S | E)
Merci angel7, mais je ne peux pas rajouter de mots, sinon je dépasse la limite que l'on m'a fixée es-tu sûr pour "freedom" ? Dans l'hymne américain, il est dit "the land of the free and the home of the brave!" Merci pour le D.5 et le D.10

Merci gerondif ! Donc ça donne :

D.1:
This is it. It is time for me to leave home. I have been preparing this one-way journey for months. Now, I can see the landscape of Warsaw, my homeland, running and I’m thinking about my family. They may be still crying. I hope that they will be able to join me soon. Besides I hope I will succeed in life in America… The train is stopping…

D.2:
I didn’t sleep much. Indeed I left the train station very early. I will for two days.
I’m looking forward to arriving to the boat! I have saved just enough money to make my journey… I’m excited!

D.5:
I’m arrived yesterday! Unfortunately, there is a lot of people… Whereas first and second-class passengers have cabins, the third class sleep in the hold and on the steerage. It’s dirty and overcrowded! I’m afraid however I want to fulfil my dream…

D.10:
The sea is calm. On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feeling lonely… I miss my family…
If I made an upward mobility I would send money to Warsaw! They will be proud of their son.

D.27:
When I saw the Statue of Liberty it was amazing! Men asked me a lot then they said “Welcome to the land of the free!” (je ne sais pas comment reformuler "men asked me a lot"...)
America, here I am!

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 19:23:17 (S | E)
Pardon, *I arrived

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de gerondif, postée le 26-09-2013 à 19:30:14 (S | E)
Bonsoir,

Dans l'hymne américain, il est dit "the land of the free and the home of the brave!" exact


D.1:
This is it. It is time for me to leave home. I have been preparing this one-way journey for months. Now, I can see the landscape of Warsaw, my homeland, running and I’m thinking about my family. They may still be crying. I hope that they will be able to join me soon. Besides I hope I will succeed in life in America… The train is stopping…


D.2:
I didn’t sleep much. Indeed I left the train station very early. I will walk for two days.
I’m looking forward to arriving to the boat! I have saved just enough money to make my journey… I’m excited!


D.5:
I’m arrived yesterday! Unfortunately, there is a lot of people on board… Whereas first and second-class passengers have cabins, the third class sleep in the hold and on the steerage. It’s dirty and overcrowded! I’m afraid, however I want to fulfil my dream…


D.10:
The sea is calm. On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feeling(I feel suffirait) lonely… I miss my family…
If I made an upward mobility (ça existe ? If I make it in America, I will send, pourquoi exprimer un regret plutôt qu'un espoir ?)I would send money to Warsaw! They will be proud of their son.


D.27:
When I saw the Statue of Liberty it was amazing! Men asked me a lot (les hommes m'ont demandé beaucoup ne veut rien dire, the customs officers asked me a lot of questions, ok))then they said “Welcome to the land of the free!” (je ne sais pas comment reformuler "men asked me a lot"...)
America, here I am!

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 19:40:05 (S | E)
Et voilà avec les dernières corrections

D.1:
This is it. It is time for me to leave home. I have been preparing this one-way journey for months. Now, I can see the landscape of Warsaw, my homeland, running and I’m thinking about my family. They may still be crying. I hope that they will be able to join me soon. Besides I wish I could succeed in life in America… The train is stopping…

D.2:
I didn’t sleep much. Indeed I left the train station very early. I will walk for two days.
I’m looking forward to arriving to the boat! I have saved just enough money to make my journey… I’m excited!

D.5:
I arrived yesterday! Unfortunately, there are a lot of people on board… Whereas first and second-class passengers have cabins, the third class sleep in the hold and on the steerage. It’s dirty and overcrowded! I’m afraid however I want to fulfil my dream…

D.10:
The sea is calm. On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feel lonely… I miss my family…
If I make it in America, I will send money to Warsaw! They will be proud of their son.

D.27:
When I saw the Statue of Liberty it was amazing! Men asked me a lot of questions then they said “Welcome to the land of the free!”
America, here I am!

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 19:49:48 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup !
Bonne soirée à vous !

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de gerondif, postée le 26-09-2013 à 21:57:39 (S | E)
Hello,
I’m feel lonely !!

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 22:12:18 (S | E)
Ce serait "I feel lonely" au lieu de "I'm feeling" ? Mais, s'il veut dire qu'il se sent seul, pourquoi il n'y a pas de "am" s'il vous plait ?

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de gerondif, postée le 26-09-2013 à 22:21:52 (S | E)
Well,
The sea is calm. On the contrary, I’m anxious and I’m feeling(I feel suffirait) lonely… I miss my family…

Bien, sur un verbe de sentiment, le présent simple pourrait suffire, pas la peine de dire: je suis en train de me sentir seul. Vous dites bien: I miss my family et non pas I am missing my family, c'est un peu pareil.

il serait bien d'utiliser although, bien que:
Although the sea is calm, I can't help being/feeling .....anxious,( pourquoi pas mais il peut aussi signifier "très désireux de") nervous/ ill-at ease / insecure /frightened/. Moreover, I feel lonely and I miss my family.

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Réponse: Correction/Diary of Immigrant de happyboy3311, postée le 26-09-2013 à 22:28:45 (S | E)
Ah d'accord, merci beaucoup

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