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Message de etudiant59 posté le 18-01-2014 à 17:21:57 (S | E | F)
j'ai 4 notions à préparer pour l'épreuve du bac anglais et j'ai rédigé la synthèse de la première notion. Si vous pouviez m'aider à la corriger et me dire ce que vous en pensez ce serait génial
Merci pour votre aide
J'ai étudié deux textes, le premier raconte la traversée de l'Atlantique par un enfant ( environ 10 ans ) et son père qui émigrent vers les USA en 1912. Le second raconte l'histoire d'un Chicano qui essaye de passer au Mexique pour pouvoir aller récupérer ses enfants et les emmener ensuite avec lui au Texas.
In this sequence “Spaces and exchanges”, we focused our attention on immigration through two texts.
The first is an extract from a book entitled A Boy’s Journey written by Seymour Rechtzeit in 2002 ( two thousand two ) , which presents the crossing of the Atlantic Ocean by a Polish and his father who immigrated to the USA in 1912 ( one thousand nine hundred twelve ).
The second is also an extract from a book entitled Eloy Musquiz, the Chicano written by James Michener, which presents an illegal immigrant who try to go back to Mexico and to bring his children to Texas because they’re alone since his wife’s death.
A hundred years ago people immigrated cause the situation was so difficult in Europe that they were less likely to succeed if they stayed. They left because of potatoes famine and British domination in Ireland, Napoleonic and revolutionary wars in Germania or extreme poverty in Scandinavia.
They immigrated to America for made their dream come true. They would have such opportunities abroad that leaving was the best solution, they were more likely to find a job. But the crossing of the Atlantic Ocean was uncomfortable, in the text, the narrator says at the line 23 that they were “one on top of the others”. They must have suffered from a lack of privacy and they must have looked forward to arriving.
Before arrived in New York, the immigrants landed on Ellis Island where they had to pass a legal examination and to answer a few questions about their plans, their political opinions and their origin.
The authorities wanted to make sure that they wouldn’t be a burden for the society.
Once they had landed in New York, they must have been at a lost what to do. It was the first time they had seen such a wonderful place. It was the promised land where everything may happened for the new immigrants but America was the unknown and some didn’t found a job and they starved. Although they were determined in succeeding in life, it was difficult for them to adapt in this new world where they have had difficulty in communicating because of the different languages. Furthermore, in the text, the family were so poor that they couldn’t afford to pay tickets for the whole family. Seymour’s family would come when his father and him had enough money.
Today, immigration continues, a lot of Mexicans try to immigrated illegally in the USA. Working in Mexico can’t enabled them to earn a decent living and making ends meet was all the more difficulty as they had family to feed. If they emigrated to the USA, they would be able to provide their family with money. Their dream is just to be able to support their family alone.
The Mexicans crossed the border illegally and consequently they take the risk of being sent to jail. Some cross by the Rio Grande, others by the desert, in both cases, they could dead.
Although they stream the border in uncounted numbers, few Mexicans arrived in the USA. And once they’re arrived, they’re rejected by the American society. They’re reproached to show no inclination toward becoming Americanized, added to that, for the great majority, they’re illiterate and they have difficulty in adapting to a high tech society.
However, being rejected doesn’t prevent them from being needed.
To conclude, yesterday as today, the immigration is intended to have a better life for himself and for his family. The language barrier is one of the difficulties that the immigrants meet with the reject, the racism, the prejudices …
Immigrated imply the discovery of a new culture and consequently of a new language, news customs, news people … and it’s difficult for the immigrants to adapt. However, people who immigrated are more likely to succeed in their new country.
The immigrants modify the society of the country where they immigrated, they add their culture to that of the country, which is the sign of a globalized world. But in most of the cases, although they’re needed economically speaking, they rejected and they’re exploited, underpaid and overwork.
So, in conclusion we can say that immigration has shaped the current world.
Modifié par lucile83 le 18-01-2014 17:23
Réponse: Correction /Notion Bac de here4u, postée le 19-01-2014 à 20:41:27 (S | E)
Here are a few suggestions to make your work better :
- Polish is an adjective. You should say "a Polish boy", or "a Pole" (the former (first one), being clearer than the latter)
- 1912 = nineteen twelve (= a date!)
- " an illegal immigrant who trIES to ...."
- ... "because they HAVE BEEN alone since ...." (no simple present is possible with for/since
- avoid "cause" ... = because
- potatoes famine => no plural - it acts like an adjective I.E. tooth brush ! => "the potato famine"
- GermanY is the country.
- "for made their dream ... " is TERRIBLE ! => you should say ..."in order to make ..."
- at/on/ line 23 (no THE)
-" before arriving" or "before they arrived"
- they must have been at a lost what to do" = NO => at a LOSS to what to do (but most of the times, they knew where to go and what to do ...!)
- "everything may /might HAPPEN" (modal + V ! No past tense ! Grrrr ...)
- didn't found ... NO ! didn't FIND !or couldn't find
- " ... determined TO succeed in life ... "
- ... this new world where it was difficult for them to communicate because / they couldn't speak English enough/of their lack of knowledge of the language
- "immigration is an ongoing issue ..." .... "to IMMIGRATE ..." (NO PAST !).... can't ENABLE them ...(NO PAST AGAIN !)..."to earn a decent living. Making ends meet IS all the more difficult as they HAVE a family to feed."
- "they would be able to provide FOR their family."
-The Mexicans CROSS (present) ....Rio Grande (= the Wet backs), ... others use the sewage system. In all cases, they could DIE (V after a modal)
- Although .... , TOO FEW Mexicans ARRIVE in the USA. Once they HAVE arrived, they're rejected ...
-they're reproached/ blamed FOR showING no inclination to become/ for becoming Americans. Furthermore, the great majority are ....
and it's difficult for them TO adapt to ...
- ....being needed, mostly for unskilled jobs.
- "yesterday like today, AN immigrant is ...
- .... together with rejection (no article), racism and prejudices.
- ImmigraTING implIES ....
-"However, THE people who .... (more likely to succeed than ????the natives ? those who remained in their mother country ? NOT CLEAR !)
-"IMMIGRANTS ... (no the)... but in MOST CASES, ... they'RE REJECTED, exploited, underpaid and OVERWORKED.
TO CONCLUDE, .... has shaped the current world, and is still doing so.
Some EXTREMELY good passages and uses of difficult structures along with terrible elementary mistakes ! What a pity ! Try to be more regular ... Very good work as a whole !
Modifié par lucile83 le 19-01-2014 21:00
Réponse: Correction /Notion Bac de etudiant59, postée le 21-01-2014 à 18:18:10 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour ton aide Il ne me reste plus qu'à apprendre et je devrais réussir l'oral du bac :p
Réponse: Correction /Notion Bac de here4u, postée le 22-01-2014 à 00:47:07 (S | E)
You're most welcome !
Don't worry, you'll succeed ! Your work was good, but you shouldn't learn it by heart ... or else, just pretend you're speaking it ...! ;0)Go on with the good work !
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