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    Expression écrite/aide

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Expression écrite/aide
    Message de floriandx posté le 07-05-2016 à 11:20:19 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour !
    Je passe bientôt le Bac d'anglais et je dois donc m'entrainer au maximum à l'expression écrite en anglais. J'ai préparé un texte sur un sujet que j'ai inventé. J'aimerais cependant avoir une correction ou des avis sur mon texte qui est sûrement loin d'être parfait. En effet, je sais que j'ai quelques difficultés dans la langue mais j'aimerais tout de même m'améliorer au maximum.
    Merci d'avance pour votre aide!

    One day, John was in his high school when suddenly two men enter in the classroom where John was. The two men said that they were detectives and that they worked with the police of San Francisco. Furthermore they said that they wanted to talk to John Cena. All the students and the professor, Mr Orton were surprised that two detectives went to talk with John, a very good student who don't seems to have serious problems with the police. But John was the most surprise in the classroom. One of the two detectives, the taller, say to John to go with them outdoor because they have a few questions for him. The boy went outdoor with the two men but he was very frightened. When John was outdoor, the detectives revealed that they wanted to talk about Stacy Keibler. Stacy is a girl who is in the same high-school that John, but in another class. She is a shy and very mysterious girl who don't have a lot friends. The person with who she talk the most is John. This is why the detectives wanted to talk with him especially. One of the two detectives asked to John when he had talk with Stacy for the last time. John responds that he had talked with her for the last time yesterday after the school before that she went at her home. The smaller detective, who look like a dead body because he had a very white skin, asked to John if he had seen somebody who followed Stacy in a red car. But John said no, and with these questions he thinked that something bad was certainly arrived to Stacy. John asked to the detective what was happen to Stacy and if she was fine. The voice of the detective changed and was become darker. He said that Stacy was been killed. John couldn't trust what he had understand. He thinked who could had killed his friend, and brusquely he said that he remenbered that yesterday, after that she talked with him, she had began to run to went at her home. But he said that he thinked that was just because she had something very urgent to do. Now, John began to feeling himself very guilty and very angry against himself to had been so stupid. Maybe that he had could helped her.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 07-05-2016 14:19


    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de sherry48, postée le 07-05-2016 à 15:25:02 (S | E)
    Hello. Many of the indicate problems with verb tense. When did these events occur?
    One day, John was in* his high school when suddenly two men enter in the classroom where John was.(or use possessive) The two men said that they were detectives and that they worked with the police of San Francisco.** Furthermore they said that they wanted to talk to John Cena. All the students and the professor, Mr Orton (you could reverse this order to clarify that Mr. Orton is not a third party)were surprised that two detectives went (wanted?) to talk with John, a very good student who don't seems to have serious problems with the police. But John was the most surprise in the classroom. One of the two detectives, the taller _____ (noun), say to John (different verb & eliminate the preposition) to go with them outdoor_ because they have a few questions for him. The boy went outdoor_ with the two men but he was very frightened. When John was outdoor***, the detectives revealed that they wanted to talk about Stacy Keibler. Stacy is a girl (who is) in the same high school that John, but in another class. She is a shy and very mysterious girl who don't have a lot friends. The person with who she talk the most is John. This***** is why the detectives wanted to talk with him especially. One of the two detectives asked to John when he had talk with Stacy for the last time. John responds that he had talked with her for the last time yesterday after the school before that she went at her home. The smaller**** detective, whose very white skin looked like that of a dead body because he had a very white skin, asked to John if he had seen somebody anyone who followed Stacy in a red car. But John said no, and with these questions he thinked that something bad was certainly arrived to Stacy. John asked to the detective what was happen to Stacy and if she was fine/okay. The voice of the detective changed and was become darker.(different word) He said that Stacy was been killed. John couldn't trust what he had understand. He thinked(irregular verb) who could had killed his friend, and brusquely he said that he remenbered that yesterday, after that she talked with him, she had began to run to went at her home. But he said that he thinked that was just because she had something very urgent to do. Now, John began to feeling himself very guilty and very angry against with himself to had been so stupid. Maybe that he had could helped her. (Maybe he could have or it's possible that he could have)

    *use in to indicate inside, but use a different preposition to indicate a location
    **use San Francisco as an adjective in the usual position
    ***This is the third time using this word. Consider a synonym.
    ****Use a different word if you mean just height.
    *****This is for events near in time, but this happened yesterday.

    I hope you can make sense of the corrections! Sherry




    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de floriandx, postée le 07-05-2016 à 18:28:54 (S | E)
    Good afternoon, firstly thanks a lot to have correct me Sherry48, and this is my new version with correction. Can you tell me if I didn't had forget mistakes this time please?(p.s.: it's a honor that a real American reads my text I love that country!)
    One day during the year 2012, John was at his high school when suddenly two men entered the classroom where John was. The two men said that they were detectives and that they worked with the San Francisco Police Department. Furthermore they said that they wanted to talk to John Cena. All the students and Mr Orton, the professor, were surprised that two detectives wanted to talk with John, a very good student who don't seemed to have serious problems with the police. But John was the most surprised in the classroom. The taller of the two detectives, asked John to go with them outdoor of the classroom because they had a few questions for him. The boy went outdoor of the classroom with the two men but he was very frightened. When John was outside of the school room, the detectives revealed that they wanted to talk about Stacy Keibler. Stacy is a girl who is in the same high-school as John, but in another class. She is a shy and very mysterious girl who didn't have a lot of friends. The person with who she talked the most is John. That is why the detectives wanted to talk with him especially. One of the two detectives asked John when he had talked with Stacy for the last time. John responded that he had talked with her for the last time yesterday after school before she went home. The smallest detective, whose very white skin looked like that of a dead body, asked John if he had seen anyone follow Stacy in a red car. But John said no, and with these questions he thought that something bad was definitely happened to Stacy. John asked the detective what was happened to Stacy and if she was fine. The voice of the detective changed and became sinister. He said that Stacy had been killed. John couldn't believe what he had heard. He thought: who could have killed his friend, and brusquely he said that he remembered that yesterday, after she talked with him, she began to run home. But he thought that was just because she had something very urgent to do. Now, John began feeling very guilty and very angry with himself to have been so stupid. Maybe that he could have helped her.



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de sherry48, postée le 07-05-2016 à 19:57:08 (S | E)
    Hello again. It's coming along nicely.
    One day during the year 2012, John was at his high school when suddenly two men entered the classroom where John was. The two men said that they were detectives and that they worked with the San Francisco Police Department. Furthermore they said that they wanted to talk to John Cena. All the students and Mr. Orton, the professor, were surprised that two detectives wanted to talk with John, a very good student who don't seemed to have serious problems with the police. But John was the most surprised in the classroom. The taller of the two detectives asked John to go with them outdoor of the classroom **because they had a few questions for him. The boy went outdoor of the classroom with the two men but he was very frightened. When John was outside of the school room, the detectives revealed that they wanted to talk about Stacy Keibler. Stacy is (past?) a girl who is(past?) in the same high-school as John, but in another class. She is (past?) a shy and very mysterious girl who didn't have a lot of friends. The person with whom she talked the most is John.*** That is why the detectives wanted to talk with him especially. One of the two detectives asked John when he had talked with Stacy for the last time/when he had last spoken with Stacy. John responded that he had talked with her (for the last time) yesterday after school (right) before she went home. The smallest**** detective, whose very white skin looked like that of a dead body, asked John if he had seen anyone following Stacy in a red car. (But) John said no, and with these questions he thought that something bad was ***** definitely happened to Stacy. John asked the detective what was happened to Stacy and if she was fine. The voice of the detective changed and became sinister. He said that Stacy had been killed. John couldn't believe what he had heard. He thought:wondered?who could have killed his friend, and brusquely he said that he remembered that yesterday, after she talked with him, she began to run home, but he thought that was just because she had something very urgent to do. Now, John began feeling very guilty and very angry with himself to have been so stupid. Maybe that he could have helped her.

    *For past tense negative, the auxiliary verb must be in past tense with the base form of the main verb.
    ** Either outdoors, out of the classroom, or outside of the classroom, but never outdoor of the classroom.
    ***You can reorganize this sentence starting with John is...
    ****If you want to say that he is not very tall, you should use short. If you also mean that he very thin, small is possible.
    *****What is happening? What was happening? But, What has happened? What had happened?

    Sherry



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de floriandx, postée le 08-05-2016 à 14:17:38 (S | E)
    Bonjour, tout d'abord merci beaucoup de m'avoir corrigé, et voici ma nouvelle version corrigée. Pouvez-vous me dire si je n'ai point omis de faute cette fois-ci s'il vous plaît? (par contre je n'ai pas compris pourquoi vous avez mis "whom" à la place de "who" car "whom" est aussi utilisé quand on parle de personnes mais sous forme de "QUE"(par exemple: "He's the man WHOM I met yesterday."= "Il est l'homme QUE j'ai rencontré hier."). Mais là dans la phrase "John was the person with who she talked the most" est correct puisqu'elle signifie "John était la personne avec QUI elle parlait le plus."?

    Par ailleurs je voudrais savoir pourquoi la phrase "The smallest detective, whose very white skin looked like that of a dead body, asked John if he had seen anyone FOLLOW Stacy in a red car" est incorrect car moi je voulais dire que "Le plus petit detective, dont la très blanche peau ressemblait comme celle d'un cadavre, demanda à John si il avait vu quelqu'un SUIVRE Stacy dans une voiture rouge", et donc il faut mettre le verbe à l'infinitif?)
    One day during the year 2012, John was at his high school when suddenly two men entered the classroom where John was. The two men said that they were detectives and that they worked with the San Francisco Police Department. Furthermore they said that they wanted to talk to John Cena. All the students and Mr Orton, the professor, were surprised that two detectives wanted to talk with John, a very good student who didn't seem to have serious problems with the police. But John was the most surprised in the classroom. The taller of the two detectives, asked John to go with them outside of the classroom because they had a few questions for him. The boy went outside of the classroom with the two men but he was very frightened. When John was outside of the school room, the detectives revealed that they wanted to talk about Stacy Keibler. Stacy was a girl who was in the same high-school as John, but in another class. She was a shy and very mysterious girl who didn't have a lot of friends. John was the person with who she talked the most. That is why the detectives wanted to talk with him especially. One of the two detectives asked John when he had talked with Stacy for the last time. John responded that he had talked with her for the last time yesterday after school right before she went home. The smallest detective, whose very white skin looked like that of a dead body, asked John if he had seen anyone following Stacy in a red car. But John said no, and with these questions he thought that something bad was definitely happened to Stacy. John asked the detective what had happened to Stacy and if she was fine. The voice of the detective changed and became sinister. He said that Stacy had been killed. John couldn't believe what he had heard. He wondered who could have killed his friend, and brusquely he said that he remembered that yesterday, after she talked with him, she began to run home. But he thought that was just because she had something very urgent to do. Now, John began feeling very guilty and very angry with himself to have been so stupid. Maybe he could have helped her.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 08-05-2016 14:24



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de lucile83, postée le 08-05-2016 à 14:41:41 (S | E)
    Hello,
    John was the person with who she talked the most...ça ne convient pas.
    who n'est pas sujet de talked, et suit la préposition with, on emploiera donc whom = with whom.
    Autre possibilité:
    John was the person who she talked with the most...là vous séparez relatif et préposition et ça devient correct bien que familier.
    ou encore:
    John was the person she talked with the most...pas de relatif, préposition après le verbe, style familier là aussi.



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de floriandx, postée le 08-05-2016 à 15:50:07 (S | E)
    D'accord merci Lucile83 . Et pour ce qui est du reste c'est bon, il n'y a pas d'erreur?



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de sherry48, postée le 08-05-2016 à 19:55:27 (S | E)
    Hello.
    It looks good! You might want to change 1 of the 3 'outside the classrooms' and you fixed only 1 of 2 'was happened'. Other than that, I see no real mistakes. Lucile explained that you need whom because of with, so it otherwise seems to be finished.
    Sherry



    Réponse: Expression écrite/aide de floriandx, postée le 08-05-2016 à 21:34:53 (S | E)
    OK thank you so much!




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