Poème/aide

Poème/aide
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Poème/aide
Message de jane37 posté le 04-04-2018 à 08:50:03 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, j'ai écrit quelques lignes ayant pour thématique "L'oiseau en hiver". Je l'avais écrit en français et je propose de le traduire en anglais pour le partager avec mes amis retraités qui se "remettent" à l'anglais .
Auriez vous la possibilité de le corriger, je crains quelques fausses notes ! Merci
White snow -birds ‘song

Let the winter play its score,
The birds understood
They are silent and find solutions:
To find a warm place,
Stay there to admire this natural offering
Leave a few star prints
Just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow no more of this show will exist
But the memory of this day is still on.
When winter will remove is white coat
I’ll ask myself this question again:
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know it?
Jane

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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-04-2018 10:28

Réponse : Poème/aide de dsmith, postée le 04-04-2018 à 16:23:49 (S | E)
Bonjour!

Beautiful poem

White Snow-birds' Song

Let the winter play its score,
The birds understood Do you really want this in past tense? the rest is present and future. The present tense seems better to me.
They are silent and find solutions:
To find a warm place,
Stay there to admire this natural offering
Leave a few star prints
Just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow no more of this show will exist
But the memory of this day is still on. remains. or "will live on"
When winter will remove is white coat
I’ll ask myself this question again:
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know it? Maybe only the birds know. or Maybe only the birds know the answer.
Jane

Réponse : Poème/aide de jane37, postée le 04-04-2018 à 16:42:16 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour le compliment d'encouragement et pour la poétique correction. J'aime beaucoup la dernière phrase.
White Snow-birds' Song

Let the winter play its score,
The birds understand,
They are silent and find solutions:
To find a warm place,
Stay there to admire this natural offering
Leave a few star prints
Just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow no more of this show will exist
but the memory of this day will live on.
When winter will remove its white coat
I’ll ask myself this question again:
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know the answer.
Jane

Réponse : Poème/aide de gerondif, postée le 04-04-2018 à 17:12:20 (S | E)
Bonjour
Let the winter play its score,
The birds understand,
They are silent and find solutions: (pourquoi ces deux points, j'aurais pensé que to find a warm place faisait partie de la phrase)
To find a warm place,(point)
(They)Stay there to admire this natural offering
Leave a few star(-shaped) prints
Just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow no more of this show will exist (show ou snow ?)(Tomorrow,all of that snow will be gone)(et ça rime avec go on)
but the memory of this day will live on.
When winter will remove its white coat (pas de futur derrière when quand c'est une circonstancielle de temps. to shed signifie aussi ôter en plus littéraire. When winter sheds its white coat)
I’ll ask myself this question again: (That question will come to haunt me again)
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know the answer.

Réponse : Poème/aide de jane37, postée le 05-04-2018 à 06:13:28 (S | E)
Bonjour.Merci pour ces précieuses observations
et propositions de correction.
Le premier jet instantané nécessitait bien d'autres regards avisés!
merci encore.
Let the winter play its score,
The birds understand,
They are silent and find solutions
To find a warm place.
They Stay there to admire this natural offering
leave a few star-shaped prints
just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow, all of that snow will be gone
but the memory of this day will live on.
When winter sheds its white coat
that question will come to haunt me again
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know the answer.

Réponse : Poème/aide de gerondif, postée le 05-04-2018 à 11:28:42 (S | E)
Bonjour
pas de majuscule à stay dans They stay et une espace avant le ?

Réponse : Poème/aide de jane37, postée le 05-04-2018 à 13:50:34 (S | E)
Un grand merci ,Monsieur Gerondif.

Réponse : Poème/aide de gerondif, postée le 05-04-2018 à 14:12:43 (S | E)
Bah, le Monsieur est de trop !

Let the(à ôter en fait) winter play its score,
The birds understand,
They are silent and find solutions
To find a warm place.
They stay there to admire this natural offering,(virgule)
and leave a few star-shaped prints
just not to be forgotten.
Tomorrow, all of that snow will be gone
but the memory of this day will live on.
When winter sheds its white coat,(virgule)
that question will come to haunt me again
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”
Maybe only the birds know the answer.

Réponse : Poème/aide de jane37, postée le 05-04-2018 à 19:20:00 (S | E)

Demain avec mes amis retraités ,
je partagerai avec bonheur ce texte amélioré
par vos bons soins appliqués .
Merci .
White Snow-birds ‘song

Let winter play its score,
The birds understand,
They are silent and find solutions
To find a warm place.

They stay there to admire this natural offering,
and leave a few star-shaped prints
just not to be forgotten.

Tomorrow, all of that snow will be gone
but the memory of this day will live on.

When winter sheds its white coat,
that question will come to haunt me again
“Where does the white go when the snow melts?”

Maybe only the birds know the answer.

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