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Message de emeline78 posté le 02-11-2008 à 00:23:36 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous! Voilà, je suis en 1ère L. et pour la rentrée, notre professeur d'anglais nous a demandé d'écrire un conte pour enfants. Ainsi, j'aimerais, si vous avez un peu de temps, que vous le lisiez afin de me dire les erreurs et puis, si vous avez des idées pour l'améliorer, n'hésitez pas à m'en faire part! Merci d'avance.
Once upon a time, there was a girl, Vanessa who begged on a street in a town called Triel, near Paris. She seemed very poor: her trouser was breached, her shawl was dirty and she was hiding herself behind her curly hair, probably because she was ashamed of pass the hat round... She hold a poster which was written: “Please, I'm hungry!” but nobody looked at her, all the persons on the street walked away and ignored her. Then, a beautiful dog, got past on the sidewalk. He stopped and he stared at Vanessa insistently. Suddenly, he seized a Vanessa's glove and he run away. Therefore, the girl pursued him and she yelled “Stop! Stay here mutt!”. The dog took along her in a quiet dead end. Suddenly, the latter said to her:
- I understand your distress. That's the reason why I suggest you to reverse our part. I live in a magnificient house and my master is fond of me, and he's very protective.
Vanessa looked very surprised to heard the dog speaking. She answered:
- Oh, really? And can I know why a dog who has got a beautiful life would like to become an homeless person?
- Because I'd like to become an human. It must be a very interesting experiment, mustn't it?
- May be. But how intend you to take my body?
- We juste have to utter together this magic sentence: Dogi Doga Utterpia Lettera
- That's very weird, but I can try...
- Okay... So, 1, 2,3...
In this way, the dog and Vanessa said “Dogi Doga Utterpia Lettera” together and a violent jerk shaked their bodies.Then, Vanessa – became a dog – heard a man screamed “Vanille! Vanille! Where are you?”. The new Vanessa slipped away. When the man so the dog, he told to him: “Oh I find you! I was in a panic-stricken” and he stroked her.Thus, the master and his dog come back home. It was a very great house and the room temperature wasn't cold, it was a change for Vanessa! Furthermore, she thought that the master, called Johnny was very beautiful... The days and the weeks went by and she began to fall in love with him... She enjoyed his behaviour with her. In fact, he seemed vers protective and he attended her every need. Consequently, it was very pleasant for her and she was simply happy. However, she regretted to did not to be a human... She thought she will never be his girlfriend... And unfortunately, she was wrong! Indeed, while she was eating some croquettes, a violent jerk shacked her body, like when she became a dog, and suddenly, she found her human's body! Paul looked very surprised: his mouth was open and he stared wide-eyed. Vanessa explained to him the situation, he seemed fascinated by her story. When he learnt that she slept on the street, he offered her to live in his house until she find a job. She accepted with a smile and she was very grateful to him. Four days later, she landed a job in a baker's shop. As she began to earn some money, he refused to let her to leave his house. He had some feelings for her. That's why, an evening he decided to did to her a declaration of love. Obviously, she was touched and very happy. So, Vanessa and Paul were in love. At the same time, a dog appeared at the door...
Modifié par bridg le 02-11-2008 08:58
Réponse: Conte en Anglais(correction) de intrepid34, postée le 02-11-2008 à 09:06:10 (S | E)
Good morning Emeline
I shall endeavour to point out your mistakes, I'll probably have to finish later today.
trouser - always pluriel in English (we have 2 legs!!)
breached - ragged would probably be a better word
was hiding - preterit simple here
ashamed + to - or - ashamed + of V+ing
was holding = preterit simple
all the persons = everybody/everyone
got past = went past her/walked past her/walked in front of her
a Vanessa's glove = one of Vanessa's gloves
and he run away = preterit simple + off with it (pas "away") (run = present or past participle)
Therefore = so
pursued = followed/ran after
yelled = called out
Stop! Come back here! Wait! etc...et pas "Stay here mutt!
took along + to
Suddenly, to her amazement, he spoke to her.
In English we use speech-marks "I understand your distress.."
I suggest we exchange places
to heard = to hear (faute de frappe peut-être!)
can I know - might I know (sounds better)
a human, a homeless person
an experiment is a test to find the result (faux amis en français) the word is experience
Emeline! Pour quelqu'un en Bac L tu dois savoir que on pose une question avec un auxiliaire !! ici - do Présent Simple
magic sentence et puiis - together (à la fin de la phrase)
shaked - irregular verb
heard a man scream (pas screamed)
Vanilla Vanilla(that is if you wish the dog to have an English name)
I have to go - I will try and finish your story later . It's a good story and I see that you have done a lot of work on it. Good on you!
Réponse: Conte en Anglais(correction) de intrepid34, postée le 02-11-2008 à 16:29:11 (S | E)
Here's the rest of it........
When the man saw (not so), he said "Oh! There you are! I was starting to worry I'd lost you."
come back home - preterit - went back home
It was a big warm house......................
called = whose name was
beautiful = feminine handsome = masculin
vers = very (faute de frappe peut-être)
She regretted she wasn't human
croquettes (dried dog food) but we just say eating his food
shaked = irregular verb
Paul ?? I thought his name was Johnny! whoops!
When Vanessa explained the situation to him, he seemed.....
He asked her (not offered) until she found a job.
To land a job est très familier = she got a job in a baker's shop.
He had some feelings for her = he was becoming rather fond of her
That's why, one evening he made a declaration of love to her - ou bien - he declared his love for her
do/make - faire is really difficult to understand
Réponse: Conte en Anglais(correction) de emeline78, postée le 02-11-2008 à 19:06:44 (S | E)
Merci mille fois, vraiment! C'est très clair en plus! Merci, merci
Réponse: Conte en Anglais(correction) de intrepid34, postée le 02-11-2008 à 21:55:53 (S | E)
It's a pleasure! And it's also a pleasure that you reply appreciating the work that it takes to correct.
Good on you! Keep on learning - it'll pay off.