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    Napoléon/correction (1)

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    Napoléon/correction
    Message de loupevivante posté le 09-03-2009 à 23:49:17 (S | E | F)

    Could you correct my text please? I know that this text is long but I need your help...Thank you...

    Dear Napoleon, if I made the decision to write to you that letter, it is because you stirred in my mind that feeling which clouds myself, frustration. In fact, I was not able to understand your behaviour, I could not see a single valid argument to forgive your acts.
    You, Napoleon, encouraged the animals to start feeling hopeful again by showing them how their life could be improved without humans in their environment. You lied to us in order that they would approve your ideas, your concepts. However, that represents only the tip of the iceberg of your nasty domination. Actually, you managed to make the other animals believe everything you wanted them to, that Snowball was a part of John’s team for example. You backed your power and your influence on the others with fear, fear created by your dangerous dogs. You laid down strict rules to the others but you, you flouted them as much as you wanted: you got every right and no obligation. You took advantage of the animals’ ignorance to strengthen your authority. Pigs were your apostles, they followed you, no matter which way you took. Napoleon, you were not able to manage control although you were ready to do whatever was needed to achieve your goals. In brief, the only thing you hoped for was to have command and to satisfy your own needs.
    To conclude, because you were never aware of the others, you didn't care about them and your only concern was your own well-being, I simply dislike you. I disapprove your actions. Maybe, one day, if you changed your mind and you improved your soul, I could forgive you…


    -------------------
    Modifié par bridg le 09-03-2009 23:58
    Titre


    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de laure95, postée le 10-03-2009 à 10:58:18 (S | E)
    Bonjour loupevivante,
    Voici les corrections à effectuer:
    Dear Napoleon, if I made the decision to write to you that letter, it is because you stirred (present perfect) in my mind that feeling which clouds myself, frustration. In fact, I was not able to understand your behaviour, I could not see a single valid argument to forgive your acts.
    You, Napoleon, encouraged the animals to start feeling hopeful again by showing them how their life could be improved without humans in their environment. You lied to us in order that they would approve your ideas, your concepts. However, that represents only the tip of the iceberg of your nasty domination. Actually, you managed to make the other animals believe everything you wanted them to, that Snowball was a part of John’s team for example. You backed your power and your influence on the others with fear, fear created by your dangerous dogs. You laid down strict rules to the others but you, you flouted them as much as you wanted: you got every right and no obligation. You took advantage of the animals’ ignorance to strengthen your authority. Pigs were your apostles, they followed you, no matter which way you took. Napoleon, you were not able to manage control although you were ready to do whatever was needed to achieve your goals. In brief, the only thing you hoped for was to have command and to satisfy your own needs.
    To conclude, because you were never aware of the others, you didn't care about them and your only concern was your own well-being, I simply dislike you. I disapprove your actions. Maybe, one day, if you changed your mind and you improved your soul, I could forgive you…

    Good essay: phrases bien construites, bon utilisation des temps, richesse du vocabulaire!


    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de loupevivante, postée le 10-03-2009 à 12:22:41 (S | E)
    Les mots en rouge sont-ils à corriger...Si oui, pourrais-je avoir des indications sur les modifications à apporter... Merci...


    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de laure95, postée le 10-03-2009 à 16:17:45 (S | E)
    Excuse-moi pour EVERY (c'est bon).
    - feeling hopeful: to feel hopeful = avoir bon espoir que...
    - were not able to manage control: il faut choisir entre manage et be able to.


    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de laure95, postée le 10-03-2009 à 16:22:53 (S | E)

    Encore ces quelques petites choses à corriger:
    - to write to you that letter: je mettrais plutôt letter après WRITE (moins lourd).
    - it is because: à remplacer par l'expression: that's why.
    - but you, you floated: 1 seul YOU suffit.
    - you took: prétérit BE +v-ing.
    - disapprove: disapprove of.


    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de loupevivante, postée le 12-03-2009 à 12:04:01 (S | E)
    This is better...?

    Dear Napoleon, if I made the decision to write that letter to you, that's why you have stirred in my mind that feeling which clouds myself, frustration. In fact, I was not able to understand your behaviour, I could not see a single valid argument to forgive your acts.
    You, Napoleon, encouraged the animals to start to feel hopeful again by showing them how their life could be improved without humans in their environment. You lied to us in order that they would approve your ideas, your concepts. However, that represents only the tip of the iceberg of your nasty domination. Actually, you managed to make the other animals believe everything you wanted them to, that Snowball was a part of John’s team for example. You backed your power and your influence on the others with fear, fear created by your dangerous dogs. You laid down strict rules to the others but you flouted them as much as you wanted: you got every right and no obligation. You were taking advantage of the animals’ ignorance to strengthen your authority. Pigs were your apostles, they followed you, no matter which way you took. Napoleon, you were not able to control although you were ready to do whatever was needed to achieve your goals. In brief, the only thing you hoped for was to have command and to satisfy your own needs.
    To conclude, because you were never aware of the others, you didn't care about them and your only concern was your own well-being, I simply dislike you. I disapprove of your actions. Maybe, one day, if you changed your mind and you improved your soul, I could forgive you…



    Réponse: Napoléon/correction de laure95, postée le 12-03-2009 à 15:19:28 (S | E)
    Bonjour, c'est mieux; mais tu peux encore apporter quelques améliorations de style:
    Dear Napoleon, if I made the decision to write that letter to you, that's why (because) you have stirred in my mind that feeling which clouds myself,which is called frustration. In fact, I was not able to (ou couldn't) understand your behaviour, I could not see a single (any)valid arguments to forgive your acts.
    You, Napoleon, encouraged the animals to start to feel (feeling) hopeful again by showing them how their life could be improved without humans in their environment. You lied to us in order that they would approve your ideas, your concepts. However, that represents only the tip of the iceberg of your nasty domination. Actually, you managed to make the other animals believe everything you wanted them to, (mettre 1 point) that Snowball was a part of John’s team for example (lien avec ce qui précède?). You backed your power and your influence on the others with fear, fear (which was) created by your dangerous dogs. You laid down strict rules to the others but you flouted them as much as you wanted: you got every right and no obligation. You were taking advantage of the animals’ ignorance to strengthen your authority. Pigs were your apostles, they followed you, no matter which way you took (prétérit BE+-ing). Napoleon, you were not able (ou couldn't) to control although you were ready to do whatever was needed to achieve your goals. In brief, the only thing you hoped for was to have command and to satisfy your own needs.
    To conclude, because you were never aware of the others, you didn't care about them and your only concern was your own well-being, I simply dislike you. I disapprove of your actions. Maybe, one day, if you changed your mind and you improved your soul, I could forgive you…




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