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    Correction/journal intime (1)

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    Correction/journal intime
    Message de anaphalis posté le 15-03-2009 à 14:38:20 (S | E | F)

    Merci de bien vouloir m'aider à corriger mes erreurs. Je dois rédiger en 200 mots environ la rédaction d'un journal intime entre 2 personnes dans les années 1892 qui embarquent sur un bateau de Dublin à New York.
    May 9, 1892: I'm on board HMS Shamrock and I'm exited at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 :But most of us are seasick,particulary the children. Moreaver the whole ship stinks. It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We've speaked during a long time and she said to me that she has left Ireland because she is poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed of met Sannon, because it's a nice girl who is very beautiful. She drew when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she found me also drawing.
    May 20, 1892: Today it's birthday's Shannan. She's homesick but I've tried to cheer her up by giving a party on deck, playing music and singing Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party for her.
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now we have to pass through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she don't know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put her for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could stay in America. Voilà déjà une partie, merci de bien vouloir m'aider à corriger mes fautes

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 15-03-2009 16:11
    titre


    Réponse: Correction/journal intime de brettdallen, postée le 15-03-2009 à 15:31:35 (S | E)
    Bonjour,
    Vous avez fait du bon travail, j'apporte néanmoins quelques éléments de correction.

    May 9(d'accord, mais n'oubliez pas que l'on ajoute souvent la marque du nombre ordinal), 1892: I'm on board(the?) HMS Shamrock and I'm exited(vérifiez l'orthographe!) at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 :But(relié à quoi? inutile à mon avis) most of us are seasick,particulary the children. Moreaver(orthographe) the whole ship stinks(d'accord, ou "it stinks everywhere on the ship", "it smells foul"). It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We've speaked(deux choses: le Present Perfect est-il indiqué ici? si c'est le cas, vérifiez le Participe passé) during(mauvaise préposition! quelle est celle qui introduit une durée?) a long time and she said to me that she has left Ireland because she is poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed of met(quelle forme prend un verbe derrière "enjoy"/"like"/"love"/"hate" etc?) Sannon(utilisez le pronom), because it(choisissez un pronom plus approprié)'s a nice girl who is very beautiful(d'accord, mais vous pouviez relier les 2 adjectifs, simplement). She drew(vouliez-vous dire "elle m'a attiré"/"je l'ai trouvée attirante"? si c'est le cas, vérifiez "attirante") when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she found me also(emplacement à modifier) drawing(même remarque que tout à l'heure).
    May 20, 1892: Today it's(en anglais on dira plus naturellement "is") birthday's Shannan(revoyez le génitif/cas possessif, l'ordre n'est pas bon). She's homesick but I've tried(je n'aurais pas utilisé le perfect) to cheer her up by giving a party on deck, playing music and singing(vous pourriez faire une autre phrase avec ces éléments: "Nous jouâmes de la musique et chantâmes") Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party(d'accord, mais vous pouviez dire "je le fis pour elle") for her.
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now(virgule) we have to pass(j'aurais choisi "go") through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she don't(quelle forme prend "do" à la 3ème personne du singulier, au Present Simple?) know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put ("héberger"? donc= "put up", le "up" se place après "her")her for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could stay in America.

    Après relecture, je trouve ce carnet de bord très agréable à lire. Vous imaginez une situation initiale qui offre de nombreux développements possibles et la curiosité s'installe déjà. De plus, votre anglais est bien fondé.


    Réponse: Correction/journal intime de anaphalis, postée le 15-03-2009 à 16:12:48 (S | E)
    Merci, je vais essayer de corriger au mieux.




    May 9, 1892: I'm on board the HMS Shamrock and I'm excited at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 : Most of us are seasick, particulary the children. Moreover the it stinks everywhere on the ship,it smells foul. It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We've spoken for a long time and she said to me that she has left Ireland because she is poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed of meeting her,because she's a nice beautiful girl. She drew(je voulais dire, je l'ai trouvée attirante) when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she also found me drawing(même remarque que tout à l'heure). Je n'ai pas trouvé
    May 20, 1892: Today is Shannan's birthday.She's homesick but I tried to cheer her up by giving a party on deck. We played music and sang Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party(d'accord, mais vous pouviez dire "je le fis pour elle") for her. I don't know?
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now, we went through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she doesn't know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put her up for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could stay in America.I took the ferry to Mahattan because I'll go to California. Shannaon doesn't go with me because the California is too dangerous for her girl.
    May 1893: I've found a very good job in Los Angeles. I sent a letter for a Shannon's birthday and I asked her to join me there. What shall she does?

    Voilà, j'ai essayé de corriger mes erreurs et j'ai terminé mon paragraphe. Merci à vous
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



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    Réponse: Correction/journal intime de brettdallen, postée le 15-03-2009 à 16:34:09 (S | E)
    Bonjour,
    Ce n'est pas encore au point.

    May 9, 1892: I'm on board the HMS Shamrock and I'm excited at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 : Most of us are seasick, particulary the children. Moreover the(à effacer) it stinks everywhere on the ship,it smells foul(ne répétez pas l'idée, ce n'était qu'une variante). It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We've spoken(je ne choisirais pas le perfect!) for a long time and she said to me that she has left Ireland because she is poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed of (pas de préposition)meeting her,because she's a nice(and) beautiful girl. She drew("attirant", "attirer", cela devrait vous faire penser à un mot français, non? double cliquez sur le terme, vous aurez une traduction)(je voulais dire, je l'ai trouvée attirante) when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she also found me drawing(même remarque que tout à l'heure). Je n'ai pas trouvé
    May 20, 1892: Today is Shannan's birthday.She's homesick but I tried to cheer her up by giving a party on deck. We played music and sang Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party(d'accord, mais vous pouviez dire "je le fis pour elle") for her. I don't know?("faire"=? attention, pas "make"!)
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now, we went through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she doesn't know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put her up for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could(je n'avais pas corrigé. Que voulez-vous dire? je suppose "elle va pouvoir rester...") stay in America.I took the ferry to Mahattan(orthographe) because I'll go to California(je ne vois pas le rapport! pourquoi "because"?). Shannaon doesn't(je choisirais un autre auxiliaire) go with me because the(pas d'article) California is too dangerous for her girl("fille"= par rapport à "garçon", ou ="enfant au féminin"? en anglais, il y a 2 mots).
    May 1893: I've found a very good job in Los Angeles. I sent a letter for a(inutile)(j'aurais écrit: "envoyé à Shannon....pour son anniversaire") Shannon's birthday and I asked her to join me there. What shall she does(attention! auxiliaire modal + ?)?

    Bon courage!



    Réponse: Correction/journal intime de anaphalis, postée le 15-03-2009 à 17:51:46 (S | E)





    May 9, 1892: I'm on board the HMS Shamrock and I'm excited at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 : Most of us are seasick, particulary the children. Moreover it stinks everywhere on the ship. It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We spoke for a long time and she said to me that she has left Ireland because she is poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed meeting her,because she's a nice and beautiful girl. She attracted when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she also found me attracting.
    May 20, 1892: Today is Shannan's birthday.She's homesick but I tried to cheer her up by giving a party on deck. We played music and sang Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party for her. I did for her because she felt isolated.
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now, we went through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she doesn't know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put her up for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could stay in America.We were both so happy.I took the ferry to Manhattan. After,I'll go to California.Shannaon won't go with me because California is too dangerous for her girl.
    May 1893: I've found a very good job in Los Angeles. I sent a letter for a Shannon's birthday and I asked her to join me there. What shall she do?
    J'espère avoir réussi à faire les bonnes corrections Merci


    Réponse: Correction/journal intime de brettdallen, postée le 15-03-2009 à 19:37:25 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    Allez, encore une petite couche!


    May 9, 1892: I'm on board the HMS Shamrock and I'm excited at starting a new life.
    May 16, 1892 : Most of us are seasick, particulary the children. Moreover it stinks everywhere on the ship. It's horrible! Today, I've made a very good friend. Her name's Shannon Ryan, she's my age and from Dublin. We spoke for a long time and she said to me(c'est correct, mais pensez à "told me") that she has(discours indirect: concordance! "I have left.." devient:..?) left Ireland because she is(même commentaire) poor and she's decided to try her luck in America. I enjoyed meeting her,(inutile)because she's a nice and beautiful girl. She attracted(exceptionnellement je vous donne la réponse: verbe= "be/feel attracted", ici au passif! donc I "felt attracted". Autre modification: je placerais cette proposition après l'autre) when I saw her beautiful great smile. But I think that she also found me attracting(verifiez! quel est l'adjectif?).
    May 20, 1892: Today is Shannan's birthday.She's homesick but I tried to cheer her up by giving a party on deck. We played music and sang Irish songs. She was very happy because I organized a party for her. I did(it) for her because she felt isolated.
    May 23, 1892: Today, we've seen the Statue of Liberty at last! It was so beautiful. Now(un doute m'assaille: pourquoi "now"? vous vouliez dire "ensuite"/"then"? si c'est "now", la forme verbale change), we went through Ellis Island and Shannon is a bit frightened because she doesn't know anyone in New York.
    May 27, 1892 : My uncle has agreed to put her up for a few days. Shannon lied a little and told legal inspectors that my uncle would sponsor her. She could stay in America.We were both so happy.I took the ferry to Manhattan. After("after" est une préposition, ne correspond pas à l'adverbe français "après"/"ensuite". Vérifiez "ensuite"),I'll go to California.Shannaon won't go with me because(she thinks) California is too dangerous for her girl.
    May 1893: I've found a very good job in Los Angeles. I sent a letter for a Shannon's birthday("j'ai envoyé à Shannon une lettre pour son anniversaire", ce n'est pas très français, mais c'est ainsi que vous pouvez traduire littéralement en anglais) and I asked her to join me there. What shall(ce n'est peut-être pas le meilleur modal) she do?

    Prenez en compte les corrections, s'il-vous-plaît!



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