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    Fantasy tale correction (1)

    << Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Fantasy tale correction
    Message de mondets posté le 07-05-2009 à 00:52:41 (S | E | F)

    Bonjour à tous!

    Quelqu'un accepterait-il de vérifier ma traduction anglaise s'il vous plaît? Merci beaucoup!
    (Il s'agit d'un court conte fantastique auquel je joins l'adaptation française.)

    Hello everybody !
    Could someone verify/check my English translation, please ?
    Thanks very well! Many thanks/thanks a lot/thank you very much
    thank you very much Lucile83!

    Joan Bodon's sheep extract from Tales of Drac

    This evening, Causse de la Ribièira, when he had brought in all his sheeps, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse kicked away it, but the sheep could not stand. It had its legs blooded.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse loaded the sheep on shoulders then he went up along the ravine. The more the man rose, and the more the sheep weighed... Causse blew, sweated, panted and complied to break loins.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the the neck of Causse the sheep stirred, he raised its head and answered: " I am shakking here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took run-up, and vlan! ( ? ) He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal fainted in smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.



    (Traduit de l'original en occitan)
    Le mouton de Joan Bodon extrait des Contes du Drac

    Ce soir-là, le père Causse de la Ribièira, quand il eut rentré tous ses moutons, se rendit compte qu’il manquait son plus gros mouton. Et notre homme repartit tout seul, le long du ravin, par les versants. A chaque pas Il appelait: “Mê!, Mê!, Mê! ... Mê! Mê! Mê! ... Mê ! Mê ! Mê! ...” Mais rien ne répondait. Causse descendait toujours. Il sentait déjà la fraîcheur du Viaur.

    “Bè...Bè...Bè...” Une bête bêlait derrière le taillis. Caussé s’approcha et vit, empêtré dans les ronces, un mouton, un gros mouton, son mouton !

    Causse le dégagea, mais le mouton ne pouvait pas se tenir debout. Il avait les pattes ensanglantées.
    ”Pauvre bête! Je vais te porter...” Et Causse chargea le mouton sur ses épaules puis il remonta le long du ravin. Plus l’homme montait, et plus le mouton pesait... Causse soufflait, suait, haletait et se pliait à se briser les reins.

    Soudain, de l’autre côté du Viaur, une voix cria: ” Petit Drac !...Hé ! Petit Drac !...Où es-tu, Petit Drac ?...”

    Sur la nuque de Causse le mouton s’agita, il releva la tête et répondit: ”Je suis ici, ballotté sur le dos du voisin... Je suis ici..”
    Causse se retourna, prit son élan, et vlan! Il jeta le mouton au plus profond du ravin...
    Mais avant de toucher terre la bête s’évanouit en fumée:” Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... “

    “Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... ” répondit un autre rire mauvais de l’autre côté du Viaur. C’est ainsi que les Fils du Drac se donnaient du bon temps.


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2009 à 08:02:54 (S | E)
    Hello,

    Joan Bodon's sheep, extract from Tales of Drac

    This evening, Causse de la Ribièira, when he had brought in all his sheeps, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse kicked away it, but the sheep could not stand.....manque un mot. It had its legs blooded.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse loaded the sheep on .....shoulders then he went up along the ravine. The more the man rose, and the more the sheep weighed... Causse blew, sweated, panted and complied to break loins.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the neck of Causse the sheep stirred, he raised its head and answered: " I am shaking here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took run-up, and vlan! ( ? ) wham! He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal fainted in smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.


    Beaucoup de mot à mot, but not really bad! ; un double clic sur un mot vous permet d'avoir un dictionnaire en ligne,très utile et efficace.J'ai annoté le principal,il reste peut-être des fautes, à voir plus tard.
    Best wishes !


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de mondets, postée le 07-05-2009 à 11:01:01 (S | E)
    Thanks a lot for your help Lucile83 ;«Beaucoup de mot à mot » ? Vous maniez l’euphémisme à merveille ! Well I’ll try again.

    Joan Bodon's sheep, extract from Tales of Drac

    That evening, Causse de la Ribièira, as he got his sheep in, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse freed it, but the sheep could not stand in. Its legs were blooded.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse took the sheep in his shoulders then he went up along the ravine. The more the man rose, the more the sheep weighed... Causse puffed, sweated, panted and bended and had backache.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the neck of Causse the sheep jumped, he raised its head and answered: " I am getting shaken about here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took his run-up [I don’t undestand because I saw « prendre son élan » = to take a run-up( ?)], and wham! He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal went up in smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.

    Is it better ?
    Thanks a lot for your(s) future(s) answer(s)!

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 07-05-2009 11:11
    yours= pronom possessif
    future = adjectif invariable

    Sorry I forget it! Lucile83, many thanks!


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2009 à 11:39:51 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    Joan Bodon's sheep, extract from Tales of Drac

    That evening, Causse de la Ribièira, as after he got his sheep in, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse freed that is not a verb it, but the sheep could not stand in wrong particle. Its legs were no use as it is the active voice blooded wrong form of verb.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse took the sheep in wrong preposition his shoulders then he went up along the ravine. The more the man rose wrong verb, the more the sheep weighed... Causse puffed, sweated, panted and bended and had backache.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the neck of Causse the sheep jumped jiggled, he raised its head and answered: " I am getting shaken about tossed around here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took his run-up [I don’t undestand because I saw « prendre son élan » = to take a run-up( ?)] took a running-start, and wham! He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal went up in vanished into smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of the Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.

    J'espère n'avoir rien oublié, je vais vérifier. Si vous ne comprenez pas une chose, just ask!
    Best wishes.


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2009 à 11:53:55 (S | E)
    Bonjour,
    Quelques explications et précisions :

    1)as /after he got his sheep in / after est mieux ici,plus fidèle au français

    2)freed est faux,voir avec l'adjectif free/to be free/to be freed

    3)blood = sang / le verbe est to bleed bled bled

    4) rise ne convient pas ici; voir climb/go up etc...

    5)run-up est un peu trop spécifique à une course; j'avoue que running-start ne me satisfait pas plus que ça mais je n'ai pas trouvé mieux pour l'instant pour rendre l'idée/l'image

    See you soon!

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 07-05-2009 12:00
    5) tout simplement le verbe dash forward à mon avis.


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de mondets, postée le 07-05-2009 à 12:17:27 (S | E)
    Thanks a lot for your kind help lucile83, is the third the good one ?

    Joan Bodon's sheep, extract from Tales of Drac

    That evening, Causse de la Ribièira, after he got his sheep in, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse [freed that is not a verb(1)] liberated it, but the sheep could not stand up. Its legs bled /soaked with blood.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse took the sheep on his shoulders then he went up/ climbed along the ravine. The more the man went up, the more the sheep weighed... Causse puffed, sweated, panted and bended and had backache.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the neck of Causse the sheep jiggled, raised its head and answered: " I am getting tossed around here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took a running-start, and wham! He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal vanished into smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of the Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.

    (1) Je vous assure que mon dictionnaire (Robert & Collins, compact plus, lycée, sixth Edition 2006, p. 780) le donne aussi comme tel (à côté bien sûr de ses emplois d’adjectif, d’adverbe, d’élément de composition (compound) ; sans doute est-il rare dans cette fonction. Le vocabulaire anglais est tellement pléthorique !


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2009 à 12:34:45 (S | E)
    Hello,
    Voici ce que j'ai trouvé pour freed,très très peu employé oops :
    freed
    One entry found.

    Main Entry: 2free
    Function: transitive verb
    Inflected Form(s): freed; free·ing
    Date: before 12th century
    1 a: to cause to be free b: to relieve or rid of what restrains, confines, restricts, or embarrasses —often used with up c: disentangle, clear
    2obsolete : banish


    Well, let's have a go for the '3rd one':

    Joan Bodon's sheep, extract from Tales of Drac

    That evening, Causse de la Ribièira, as he got his sheep in, realized that his biggest sheep was missing. And our man left alone, along the ravine, by hillsides. Everywhere / Everytime he called: " Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... Mê! Mê! Mê!... " But nothing answered.
    Causse always came down. He already felt the freshness of Viaur.

    " Bè... Bè... Bè... " An animal bleated behind the copse. Causse approached and saw, entangled in brambles, a sheep, a big sheep, his sheep!

    Causse [freed that is not a verb(1)] liberated it yes, or : set it free, but the sheep could not stand up. Its legs soaked with blood.
    " Poor animal! I am going to carry you... " And Causse took the sheep on his shoulders then he went up along the ravine. The more the man went up, the more the sheep weighed... Causse puffed, sweated, panted and bended and had backache.


    Suddenly, on the other side of Viaur, a voice shouted: " Little Drac!... Hey! Little Drac!... Where are you, little Drac?... "

    On the neck of Causse the sheep jiggled, raised its head and answered: " I am getting tossed around here on the back of the neighbour... I am here.. " Causse turned around, took a running-start, and wham! He threw the sheep in the depths of the ravine...
    But before landing the animal vanished into smoke: " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... "

    " Ha!... Ha!... Ha!... Ha! " Answered another bad laughter on the other side of the Viaur. And so the Drac’s sons enjoyed themselves.

    nice translation ! a good '3rd one' !
    Best wishes.



    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de mondets, postée le 07-05-2009 à 12:44:31 (S | E)
    Merci de tout coeur lucille83, c'est un plaisir de pouvoir travailler avec d'intelligentes et excellentes modératrices comme vous et chilla!
    Je vous souhaite une excellente continuation et un grand courage dans cette immense tâche.

    ps: j'ai écrit ce message en français, ne sachant que trop bien qu'en anglais il vous aurait demandé une infinité de corrections!


    Réponse: Fantasy tale correction de lucile83, postée le 07-05-2009 à 13:45:21 (S | E)
    Mais vous allez me faire rougir ! merci néanmoins pour ces compliments qui font plaisir et donnent du courage pour la suite.
    J'ai moi aussi beaucoup apprécié travailler avec vous
    Cheerio, Ciao !



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