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Message de mathjulie posté le 24-11-2009 à 21:02:34 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, je dois étoffer un commentaire en anglais en 120 mots, pourriez vous vérifier mes erreurs , je vous remrcie d'avance:
Sujets étoffer un commentaire sur les pompiers:
There are heroes who never make the headlines in newspaper, indeed, journalists don't talk about them whereas they deserve all the respect and the admiration of the population. I think that is the case (c'est le cas) of the fireman, I admire them because they prove ( ils font preuves) of bravous acts, moreover, they save people and help (viennent en aid) persons on difficulties, even at the price of their lives. They interpose/ call out every times (à tout moment).
they sacrifice their life consecrate at the other, at the succour of people, who no necessarily bear consideration to fireman.
They lead professional lead a difficult and laborious fight against the consumming monster that is the fire.
Above all, their generosity are unbounded , limitless.
On other hand, this qualified persons are as courageous as French doctors or people working in relief oragnisation. The physic but also the mentaly stenght is necessary because scene are insufferable feelingly. The responsability of this profession are very important.
To conclude, in my point of vieuw, fireman is a profession which inspires respect and whose the acts would have to more give media coverage or know by the population.
Modifié par bridg le 24-11-2009 21:04
Réponse: Les pompiers/correction de cecil_ward, postée le 24-11-2009 à 21:41:21 (S | E)
> There are heroes who never make the headlines in newspaper,
needs to be "in (the) newspapers"
> whereas they deserve all the respect and the admiration of the population.
whereas is perhaps too formal here; "yet" or "but" or "but nevertheless" would be better
> I think that is the case (c'est le cas) of the fireman,
firemen - plural
"is the case with the" not "of" meaning "concerning"
(but contrast the usages of "case of" used for "a legal case", or meaning "illness"; eg "a case of malaria"; "the case of The Queen vs VastCorp PLC")
> I admire them because they prove ( ils font preuves) of bravous acts,
"prove themselves capable of bravery" or "capable of acts of bravery"
extremely formal, probably too formal - better to just use "and" or "and they also"
> help (viennent en aid) persons
"help" is fine; also "come to the aid of people"
"people" not "persons" (the plural of "person" is only usable in very special restricted circumstances)
so "they help people" or "they come to the aid of people" (also "rescue/save people")
> on difficulties,
"in difficulties" (never "on")
> even at the price of their lives. - is ungrammatical ("*at the price of")
"even risking their lives" would be better
or something like "even giving their lives" (=dying) or "even putting their lives at risk" (=risking death).
> They interpose/ call out
"they are called out" (passive) [=someone calls them to come]
> every times (à tout moment).
"at all times" or "at any time"
> they sacrifice their life -> "lives" (pl. agreement)
> consecrate at the other,
"dedicate .. to others" (consacrés [?]) - no "the"
example: as a doctor he dedicated his life to others, to helping people.
> at the succour of people,
"dedicate ... to saving people" / "dedicate ... to rescuing people" -[?]
> who no necessarily bear consideration to fireman.
[?] don't understand this
"who do not necessarily" .. [?] "think about firemen" ??
> They lead professional lead
[?] I'm confused here
> a difficult and laborious fight against the consumming monster that is the fire.
"laborious" is a pretty archaic word now little used
> Above all, their generosity are unbounded , limitless.
> On other hand, this qualified persons
"these .. people"
> working in relief oragnisation.
"in a/any relief organisation" or "in relief organisations"
> The physic but also the mentaly stenght is necessary
"physical but also mental strength"
> because scene are insufferable feelingly.
- don't understand this ?
> The responsability of this profession are very important.
perhaps "responsibilities" - unclear
> To conclude, in my point of vieuw,
"in my opinion" / "from my point of view" / "to my mind"
> fireman is a profession
"being a fireman"
> which inspires respect
some authors prefer to use "that" here where we have a restrictive or "defining" relative clause)
eg the man that broke the bank at Monte Carlo; the dog that bit me
and prefer to use "which" for a parenthetical non-defining comment (giving extra information) eg: the old clock standing in the hall, which has been broken for a long time, was sold last year. (the test is that you could bracket the which clause or even remove it without wrecking the sentence)
But many people don't follow this practise, and I myself could not swear that I follow it consistently.
Réponse: Les pompiers/correction de gerondif, postée le 24-11-2009 à 23:51:15 (S | E)
votre texte était assez maladroit à partir de la deuxième ligne, vos deux textes précédents étaient plus structurés !!
cecil ward vous a bien aidée; un seul point attire mon attention de francophone:
vous avez confondu 1) "alors que" au sens de "bien que" (concession) et
2) "alors que" au sens de " mais au contraire" (opposition)
1) they didn't talk about me although I was a hero , in spite of the fact that I was a hero.
2) I like American films whereas my wife hates them.
Réponse: Les pompiers/correction de mathjulie, postée le 25-11-2009 à 07:23:57 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup Gérondif et Cecile pour votre aide et tous vos conseils.
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