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Message de agrum posté le 28-11-2009 à 15:24:07 (S | E | F)
Bonjour, je suis en classe de Première, et je dois réaliser une rédaction à propos des "Reality TV Shows". Je vous propose ma rédaction. J'aimerais, si cela est possible, avoir quelques conseils, sur le contenu ou la grammaire, parce que ce n'est pas parfait mais j'ai du mal à trouver mes erreurs. Merci ;)
Hi, my name is [nickname] and I’m [age] years old, and I dream of joining Project Runway (name of the reality TV show, this is an example) since I was young.
When I was 10, I learnt plastic arts at school. This taken me aback and enthralled me, it’s fabulous to know that we can design a complete wardrobe by means of recyclables materials, of plants, or any fabric, to create a something original. My professional future has been already written: I would be a fashion designer. I expected to succeed, but my grades in high school didn’t allow me to follow the course I dreamed. I still don’t accept it, and this show would be for me my second chance. If I leave as finalist, I would find a place in a designer easily.
I’m very creative and original. I’m fashion, but the fashion that people like, not one proposed by some designers which are not beautiful. And I’m young, what could show that it’s possible to do good things very early. Finally, I’m interesting; there isn’t a minute without I comment what I’m doing. And I’ve quality to enthrall the viewer.
In 2005, when I was 15, I won a national design competition with a reward of $1000 for having carried out using only a chisel, a pencil, and a needle, a very original costume.
I’m also a member of many clubs of fashion design since I was young.
I’ve for the show a full-scale project which conceals an environmental message. My aim is to enthrall those who like fashion, and also those who don’t like fashion and usually don’t watch this type of show but who care about the environment for example, and also give rise to new careers, I hope.
Rely on me, this will create a huge buzz!
Thank the team of Project Runway for taking the time to listen to my audition tape.
Merci à tous ;)
PS : Je mettrai à jour la rédaction suivant vos conseils.
Réponse: Rédaction - Reality TV de cecil_ward, postée le 28-11-2009 à 18:36:40 (S | E)
Hi, my name is [nickname] and I’m [age] years old, and I dream of
> I dream of
"I have dreamt of"
"I have been dreaming of" (repeatedly dreaming)
> plastic arts at school.
- [?] don't understand
> This taken me aback
- Watch out, as this has a meaning that I suspect is not what you are intending to say..
- "taken aback" means to be suprised by something shocking, or unexpected and not exactly, or even horrified mildly. You need to look up examples of this in use. It's rarely a good thing, although I suppose one could be taken aback by an offer of something that is overwhelming and unpexected and gives you a shock but is actually pleasant when you have calmed down. But usually it involves a suprise that shocks you, mildly or more intensely.
> a complete wardrobe by means of recyclables materials
- simply "a complete wardrobe using plants etc" is what's needed
[To use "by means of" this would need to be either "a method"/"technique"/"process" or "using a tool/instrument"]
> I would be a fashion designer.
this needs to be either ("I would like to be" or "I want to be")
"I am going to be"
(As I would be is conditional; "I would be a fashion designer if I hadn't been sent to prison for life" / "if I were not blind")
> I still don’t accept it,
> If I leave as finalist,
- "as a finalist"
Réponse: Rédaction - Reality TV de agrum, postée le 02-12-2009 à 22:44:25 (S | E)
Thank you very much !
> plastic arts at school.
That's a discipline, a lesson where we produce drwaings, original achievements using several material, etc. But I think that this discipline doesn't exist in Great Britain. That's why you don't know ;)
About the conditional: that's a grammatical structure in France to say implicitly "If all is right...", but I'm going to follow your advice.
> I still don’t accept it
That's to say "I still never accept it, and I will never accept it. I can't help thinking that I failed..."
Modifié par agrum le 02-12-2009 22:45
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