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    Correction/I would drop you a line

    << Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Correction/I would drop you a line
    Message de emirali posté le 23-01-2010 à 21:39:38 (S | E | F)

    Bonjour,
    Donc voici, une lettre écrite à une amie pour expliquer ma nouvelle vie, et puis l'autre un monologue où je montre que je ne sens plus grand chose pour ma ville natale. Je voudrais savoir si j'ai des erreurs et si vous pouviez me dire lesquelles;
    merci d'avance.

    1) My darling Julie,

    After all this time, I thought I would drop you a line. We moved in Congo, in a little city. I think that we going to stay in that new place for a long time. My family and I suffered a lot during this journey.
    Here, the life is quiet; We have ''the bare minimum'' as always says it my mother. People don't speak to each other a lot. It is raining all the time, that is horrible. There is some mud everywhere. I see animals walked in front of to me. In this country, the people cannot freely express an opinion. My father is always so religious, he reads the bible every day. My mother is always for our listening, she takes charge very well of us.
    I miss, I still have no friends. I have a great need to communicate. Everything misses me, my school, my everyday life, my room and especially you. I don't any more support to be alone. Your chocolate cakes misses me! I suffer a lot. I would want brought in to me in the US.
    Don't worry about me! I've got to go.
    Audra


    2)Ten years later, I go to my home town. I am bigger at the moment. I rush to visit my house, but by approaching me little by little, me reports me that I feels nothing. As if I had never lived in this house. I bring in the internal, nothing had changed. I run fast in my room and I notice that everything was ugly, I feel only of the disgust, anything else. During these ten years I thought of my room, but I feelnothing.
    Secondly, I visited my friend Julie, she hardly changed. It wasn't any more the girl Julie who would run to see me, but rather the one who looked at me bizarrely. My home town had changed a lot, streets changed, them names. Even the bakery which I liked was not any more there. Houses had changed. Ten years are crossed and everything in changed. I was shocked. It is impressive to see.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 23-01-2010 22:00


    Réponse: Correction/I would drop you a line de brettdallen, postée le 23-01-2010 à 22:59:24 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    Je vais signaler ce qui peut être amélioré. Entre voisins, il faut se soutenir!

    1) My darling Julie,

    After all this time, I thought I would drop you a line. We moved in(il y a déplacement, quelle préposition exprime cela?) Congo, in a little city(l'usage: "big city", "small town"). I think that we(structure en "Be going to", il manque donc quelque chose!) going to stay in that new place for a long time. My family and I suffered a lot during this(ou "the") journey.
    Here, the life is quiet; We(en fait, en anglais on n'utilise presque pas le point-virgule..) have ''the bare minimum(je pensais plutôt à "necessities")'' as always says it my mother(revoir l'ordre des mots). People don't speak to each other a lot. It is raining all the time, that is horrible(ou "terrible"). There is some(pas nécessaire) mud everywhere. I see animals walked("-ing") in front of to me. In this country, the people cannot freely express an opinion. My father is always so religious, he reads the bible every day. My mother is always for our listening(pas très clair... "elle est à notre écoute"? traduisez alors "Elle nous écoute toujours")("she always lends a sympathetic ear"), she takes charge("care") very well(mal placé) of us.
    I miss(il faut un complément!), I still have no friends. I have a great need to communicate. Everything misses me(le verb "miss" ne fonctionne pas ainsi: traduisez "Je manque tout."), my school, my everyday life, my room and especially you. I don't any more(mal placé) support(faux ami) to be alone. Your chocolate cakes misses(même construction "inversée que pour l'autre phrase) me! I suffer a lot. I would want brought in to me(que voulez-vous dire? de plus la construction est erronée) in the US.
    Don't worry about me! I've got to go.("I'll write to you soon. Take care of you." pensez à apprendre ce genre de formules qui permettent de clore les lettres)
    Audra


    2)Ten years later, I go to my home town. I am bigger at the moment("now"). I rush to visit my house, but by("while") approaching me(il y a aussi "alors que je viens plus près") little by little, me reports me(pas très clair. traduisez "Je me rends compte") that I feels nothing(reliez les phrases). As if I had never lived in this house. I bring in the internal(traduisez simplement "j'entre dans la maison"), nothing had changed. I run fast in(voir "se précipiter") my room and I notice that everything was(temps) ugly, I feel only(position) of the disgust, anything("rien", c'est un autre mot) else. During("pendant", autre préposition) these ten years I thought(past perfect continuous) of my room, but("now I'm here") I feel nothing.
    Secondly("ensuite"), I visited(je ne comprends pas votre système de temps) my friend Julie, she hardly changed. It wasn't any more the girl Julie who would run to see me, but rather the one who looked at me bizarrely. My home town had changed a lot, streets changed, them names. Even the bakery which I liked was not any more there. Houses had changed. Ten years are crossed and everything in changed. I was shocked. It is impressive to see

    -------------------
    Modifié par brettdallen le 23-01-2010 23:08


    Réponse: Correction/I would drop you a line de brettdallen, postée le 23-01-2010 à 23:07:53 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    Désolé, c'était un peu long...

    Secondly("Ensuite"/"Puis"), I visited my friend Julie, she(manque auxiliaire du perfect) hardly changed. It wasn't any more(vous connaissez "no longer"?) the girl Julie who would run to see me, but rather the one who looked at me bizarrely(choisissez un autre mot). My home town had changed a lot, streets changed, them(il faut un déterminant possessif) names(vos deux dernières propositions ne sont pas vraiment des phrases. Parfois cela passe très bien mais là, non). Even the bakery which I liked was not any more(position) there. Houses had changed. Ten years are crossed("sont parties") and everything in(auxiliaire du perfect) changed. I was shocked. It is impressive(pourquoi pas, mais ce terme est plutôt positif) to see.

    L'ensemble est agréable à lire, malgré les erreurs ici ou là(je n'ai bien sûr pas tout signalé..). Je suis cependant dubitatif quant au choix de temps de la deuxième partie. Vous semblez calquer le présent de narration français au début et ensuite vous avez des difficultés à maintenir la cohérence. Il faudrait peut-être revoir tout ça...
    Amicalement.




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