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    Correction/ lettre

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Correction/ lettre
    Message de airmyonne posté le 31-08-2012 à 20:52:41 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour,

    pouvez-vous corriger cette lettre s'il vous plaît ? C'est un entraînement à la rédaction en anglais. Merci d'avance.
    Le sujet est: Vous voulez poursuivre vos études supérieures mais, pour une raison ou une autre, vous ne pouvez atteindre votre but. Ecrivez une lettre pour demander de l'aide afin d'atteindre votre objectif.

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenagerwho admire you beacause of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French, ... years old girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future work... I would like to beacome a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seems naïve or proud to plan such career. But studying at school the horors of genocid, of war heighten my awarness of the human being.I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire would we have motivation to surpass ourselves, to give all our heart, all our mind ? That desire is an energy which provides me courage, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best education as possible... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, dtudying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford fees that remain... So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Your faithfully.

    J'accepte toute remarque constructive afin de corriger au mieux mes fautes et de m'améliorer.
    SI vous étiez le destinataire de cette lettre, accepteriez-vous de m'aider ? Je veux dire par là, l'argumentation est-elle assez solide ?

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 31-08-2012 21:43


    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de gerondif, postée le 01-09-2012 à 09:35:07 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    C'est un bon travail surtout si vous avez 14 ans, comme le dit votre profil, et que vous allez déjà devenir undergraduate! Avec un surnom ressemblant à "Hermione", qui me rappelle Harry Potter, vous avez dû faire vos études avec un balai magique !

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenagerwho admire(le s du présent) you beacause of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French (+ nom, a French girl)(ou alors I am French, adjectif, The French représente le peuple entier), ... years old girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future work (job?)... I would like to beacome a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seems naïve or proud to plan such a career. But studying at school the horors of genocid, of war, heighten(le s du présent) my awareness of the human being (structure maladroite, on est conscient d'un problème mais être conscient d'un être humain???).I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire, would we have motivation to surpass ourselves, to give all our heart, all our mind ....(to what?) ? That desire is an energy which provides me (la structure semble être to provide somebody with something) courage, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best education as possible... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, dtudying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford fees that remain(mauvais choix pour rester je pense, sauf si vous vouliez dire "that remain expensive")... So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Yours faithfully.

    Je ne suis pas censé porter un jugement de valeur sur votre argumentaire , disons que pour ma sensibilité, ou manque de sensibilité, je trouve cela un peu fleur bleue, un peu naïf, surtout au début, après, l'idéal humanitaire est très bien mais le mélange romantisme pour finir par une demande d'aide financiaire est surprenant, enfin pour moi. Votre première ligne,est-ce une reprise d'une chanson où êtes-vous simplement romantique ?




    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 01-09-2012 à 11:20:31 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future job... I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seem (pourquoi n'y a-t'il pas de S ? ) naïve or proud to plan such a career. But studying at school the horors of genocid, of war, heightens my awareness of the human being's fragility.Est-ce toujours trop maladroit ? I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire, would we have motivation to surpass ourselves, to give all our heart, all our mind to be involved in our job? That desire is an energy which provides courage to me, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best education possible... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford fees that left... So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Yours faithfully.

    Merci pour votre correction. Effectivement cette lettre est fleur bleue, mais le but est d'éveiller les sentiments du destinataire pour que celui-ci accepte d'aider une pauvre adolescente en quête de justice... Bref montrer que dans toutes sa candeur, elle croit vraiment en ses ambitions... Pour répondre à votre question, non la première phrase n'est pas tirée d'une chanson et oui je suis romantique, et bien plus douée dans l'usage des mots en Français qu'en Anglais !



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de komiks, postée le 01-09-2012 à 11:27:30 (S | E)
    Bonjour,

    "It can seem (pourquoi n'y a-t'il pas de S ?)"
    ==> Tout simplement car derrière CAN (comme derrière tous les modaux), il y a une base verbale (= un infinitif sans to).

    Bonne journée



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de gerondif, postée le 01-09-2012 à 11:37:02 (S | E)
    Hello,

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future job... I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seem (pourquoi n'y a-t'il pas de S ? Parce que derrière les auxiliaires (do, don't, does, doesn't, did, didn't, can, can't, may, may not, must, mustn't, should, shouldn't.... on utilise la base verbale, l'infinitif sans le to ) naïve or proud (une personne peut être proud mais pas un projet, utilisez peut-être pretentious, ou alors dites: I may seem naive or proud (vain) to plan such a career. De plus, proud signifie "fier" mais vain "vaniteux", proud n'est pas un défaut, vain si) to plan such a career. But studying at school the horrors of genocides, of war, heightens my awareness of the human being's fragility.Est-ce toujours trop maladroit ? (non) I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire, would we have motivation to surpass ourselves(j'avais mal lu, la phraseest correcte), to give all our heart, all our mind to be involved in our job? That desire is an energy which provides courage to me, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford fees that left... So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Yours faithfully.

    -------------------
    Modifié par gerondif le 01-09-2012 13:58



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 01-09-2012 à 11:37:30 (S | E)
    Ah oui bien sûr ! Question idiote ! Merci



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 01-09-2012 à 12:11:29 (S | E)
    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future job... I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career. But studying at school the horrors of genocides, of war, heightens my awareness of the human being's fragility. I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire, would we have motivation to surpasses ourselves (ne se justifierait que si le sujet était "we") Je ne comprends pas trop pourquoi il faut mettre surpasses au lieu de surpass ce n'est pas de l'infinitif ?, to give all our heart, all our mind to be involved in our job? That desire is an energy which provides courage to me, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford fees that left Quelle expression pourrais-je utiliser ? ... So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Yours faithfully.

    C'est vrai c'est assez étrange de terminer par la demande d'une aide financière... C'est une manière détournée, diplomate peut être, de demander les choses ! C'est tout de même assez délicat d'aborder un sujet financier... Si l'on commence par montrer sa motivation, pour ensuite poser le problème du coût des études, le destinataire sera plus touché que si l'on commencait la lettre en lui demandant son aide... Enfin je n'ai jamais reçu une telle lettre, je me trompe peut-être...



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de gerondif, postée le 01-09-2012 à 14:07:13 (S | E)
    Hello,
    je m'étais trompé en corrigeant surpass, je ne sais pas où j'étais allé chercher la troisième personne.....

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future job... I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career. But studying at school the horrors of genocides, of war, heightens my awareness of the human being's fragility. I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men whose rights are ridiculed. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives me momentum to follow my studies. Without that desire, would we have motivation to surpass ourselves, to give all our heart, all our mind to be involved in our job? That desire is an energy which provides courage to me, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford the high fees. So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs... ?

    Yours faithfully.




    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 01-09-2012 à 14:48:50 (S | E)
    D'accord merci beaucoup ! Donc il n'y a plus aucune faute maintenant ?



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de bluestar, postée le 01-09-2012 à 16:48:37 (S | E)
    Bonjour..

    "Awaken" is wrong in the first line. Anyway, why not say more simply "when the moon is rising"?
    In the second line "became" should be "become"
    "I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights"...Defending human rights is what the United Nations does. Why not express a more modest and practical ambition? For example: "I would like to become a lawyer and help provide free legal aid to poor people"?...This would be more likely to appeal to a potential benefactor..

    Good luck!



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de gerondif, postée le 01-09-2012 à 17:30:22 (S | E)
    Hello,

    vous voyez, on peut toujours rater des erreurs:
    to become, I became, become.
    to awake, I awoke, awoken.
    Et puis, voyez tout ce que notrepère, anglophone, peut retrouver au niveau des tournures .....




    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de notrepere, postée le 02-09-2012 à 06:23:46 (S | E)
    Bonjour

    Corrections supplémentaires de celles de gerondif.

    When the sun is going to sleep and when the moon is being awaken by the evening light, I imagine the future.(1) A future which seems to be uncertain but which can became more reliable thanks to you. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose(2) to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future job (3)... I would like to become a lawyer and defend human rights. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career.Pourquoi? But studying at school (4) the horrors of genocides, of war, heightens (5) my awareness of the a human being's fragility. I believe in some values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all men those whose rights are ridiculed (6). More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which gives (5) me momentum to followpursue my studies. Without that desire, would we have the motivation to surpass better ourselves, to give all our (7) heart, all our mind to be involved in our job (3)? That desire is an energy (8) which provides courage to me (9), which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to follow pursue the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford the high fees. So here is my question: Can you help me please Mrs (10)... ?

    (1) The sun "sets". When the sun is setting and the moon rising ... I dream about the future: a future which seems uncertain but could be more reliable * (il faut un autre mot) with your help. (thanks to you ne va pas dans le contexte ; trop français (grâce à vous).

    (2) 'propose' ne va pas ; ça sonne comme 'faire une demande en mariage à quelqu'un'

    (3) career ou profession vaut mieux

    (4) Placez après 'of war'

    (5) Il faut un present perfect

    (6) Pas le meilleur adjectif

    (7) 'our whole ...' est une construction plus courante.

    (8) Il faut un meilleur mot

    (9) maladroit : provides me with courage

    (10) Question pas assez polie et trop courte ; Une question plus polie doit commencer par 'Would...'



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 02-09-2012 à 15:24:48 (S | E)
    Bonjour, merci pour tous vos conseils !

    Dear Mrs ....,

    When the sun is setting and the moon raising, I imagine the future. A future which seems to be uncertain but which can become more concrete with your help. I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you (1).I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future profession... I would like to become a lawyer and try to provide oprressed people the support they need. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career. (2)But studying the horrors of genocides, of war at school , has heightened (3) my awareness of a (4) human being's fragility. I believe in values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all those whose rights are broken. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which has given (3) me momentum to pursue my studies. Without that desire, would we have the motivation to better ourselves, to give all our heart, our whole mind to be involved in our career? That desire is an energy which provides me with courage, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to pursue the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford the high fees. So here is my question: Would you help me to reach my aim please Mrs... ?

    (1)Le but ici était bien d'évoquer la demande en mariage...
    (2) Parce qu'envisager de devenir avocat et travailler à défendre les droits de l'homme de sucroît, nécéssite beaucoup de travail. Or de la part d'un adolescent, un tel projet peut paraître, aux yeux des adultes, une utopie, un rêve monté de toutes pièces par un gamin connaîssant à peine la vie, en quête de reconnaissance...
    (3) Je ne suis pas sûre...
    (4) Pourquoi "a" ici ?

    Une dernière remarque: pour la première phrase, je voulais utiliser une métaphore comme je l'aurais fait en français... Y a-t-il un moyen en anglais d'utiliser une métaphore pour cette phrase, ou la correction que vous m'avez conseillée est-elle plus judicieuse même pour obtenir une tournure de phrase plus poétique ?
    Merci de votre aide.

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 02-09-2012 15:30



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de notrepere, postée le 02-09-2012 à 21:17:26 (S | E)
    Hello

    Des pistes supplémentaires

    When the sun is setting and the moon raising, I imagine the future. (1) A future which seems to be uncertain but which can become more concrete with your help (2). I'm not an obsessed fan who will propose to you (3).I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future profession... I would like to become a lawyer and try to provide oprressed(4) people the support they need. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career. But studying the horrors of genocides, of war at school , has heightened (5) my awareness of a (6) human being's fragility. I believe in values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all those whose rights are broken (7). More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which has given me momentum to pursue my studies. Without that desire, would we have the motivation to better ourselves, to give all our (8) heart, our whole mind to be involved in our career? That desire is an energy (9) which provides me with courage, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to pursue the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. Howerever (4), as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford the high fees. So here is my question: Would you help me to reach my aim please Mrs... ?

    (1) When the sun is sinking below the horizon and the stars send their light to earth, I imagine my future.
    (2) but could be realized with your help. (Evitez le 2me 'which')
    (3) I'm not just another obsessed fan who is planning on proposing marriage to you.
    (4) orthographe
    (5) the horrors of genocide and war at school has heightened (genocide = singulier / pas de virgule avant le verbe)
    (6) One speaks of 'a human being' not 'the human being' / une personne / On peut dire également : my awareness of the fragility of life itself.
    (7) denied/in jeopardy/trampled upon/being violated (il faut choisir)
    (8) our whole heart
    (9) je préfère 'a force'

    -------------------
    Modifié par notrepere le 02-09-2012 21:17



    Réponse: Correction/ lettre de airmyonne, postée le 03-09-2012 à 08:36:59 (S | E)
    Bonjour,


    When the sun is sinking below the horizon and the stars send their light to earth, I imagine my future. (1) A future which seems to be uncertain but could be realized with your help. I'm not just another obsessed fan who is planning on proposing marriage to you. I'm just a teenager who admires you because of your talent, because of your intelligence. But I have, all the same, to ask you a question. I'm a French girl and my name is... Like almost every teenager, I'm thinking about my studies, my future profession... I would like to become a lawyer and try to provide oppressed people the support they need. It can seem naïve or pretentious to plan such a career. But studying the horrors of genocide, of war at school has heightened my awareness of the fragility of life itself.I believe in values such as humanity, brotherhood and justice. That's why I want to plead in favor of all those whose rights are denied. More than a dream, it's a deep desire. It's a life wish which has given me momentum to pursue my studies. Without that desire, would we have the motivation to better ourselves, to give our whole heart, our whole mind to be involved in our career? That desire is a force which provides me with courage, which drives me to do my best. That's why I would like to pursue the best possible education ... I'm going to apply at ... university as an undergraduate and then, if I can, at .... university as a post-graduate student. However, as you surely know, studying in such a university is very expensive. I'm going to ask for scholarships, but my parents can't afford the high fees. So here is my question: Would you help me to reach my aim please Mrs... ?

    (1) J'aime beaucoup cette phrase !

    Merci pour votre aide, on dirait la lettre d'une vraie bilingue maintenant !




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