Email formel/correction

Email formel/correction
Message de elodie28 posté le 06-10-2012 à 16:49:18 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,

j'ai un email à écrire pour mon cours d'anglais et il doit être formel mais je ne sais pas s'il y a des erreurs.
Pourriez-vous m'aider s'il vous plaît?
Merci pour vos réponses.

Dear Sir,

I am Maria, a student at the university of Mexico city.
I am writing to enquire about your university in France.
In fact, I would like to enter in your university with the exchange program.
I would like to learn mechanical engineering and I am very interrested in mechanical design.
Moreover I speak English since my six years old. Consequently, could you please tell me if you have a specialization in the design?
I do airsoft every week, I would be grateful if you could tell me if there is an association of airsoft on campus. Unfortunately, i have not my driver's license because i failed during my examen.
Therefore, could you tell me if there are transports near the University, a bus or a tram?
France is a beautifull country, but i do not know where i will live during my studies. I would go into student accommodation which is not very expensive, close to the university or a location close to the transports. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could send me more informations about this.
Thanking you in advance.
Sincerely yours,

Maria SYLVIA

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Modifié par lucile83 le 06-10-2012 17:55

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Réponse: Email formel/correction de notrepere, postée le 07-10-2012 à 01:12:13 (S | E)
Bonjour

Your letter is not very formal. Should you ask about an airsoft association in a formal letter? You should say more about your qualifications and why they should choose you over someone who doesn't like to play airsoft every week.

I am Maria(1), a student at the university of Mexico city.
I am writing to enquire about your university in France.
In fact, I would like to enter in your university with the exchange program (2).
I would like to learn (3) mechanical engineering as I am very interrested in mechanical design.
Moreover, I speak English since my six years old (4). Consequently, could you please tell me if you have a specialization in the design (5)?
I do (6) airsoft every week, I would be grateful if you could tell me if there is an association of airsoft (7) on campus. Unfortunately, i have not (8) my driver's license because i failed during my examen.
Therefore, could you tell me if there are transports near the University, a bus or a tram?
France is a beautifull country, but i do not know where i will live during my studies. I would go into student accommodation which is not very expensive (2), close to the university or a location close to the transports. Therefore, I would appreciate it if you could send me more informations about this.
Thanking you in advance.
Sincerely yours,

(1) pas très formel
(2) extrait mal dit
(3) pas le meilleur verbe
(4) temps du verbe (since demande un autre temps) ; 'my' ne va pas ; since the age of six.
(5) article superflu
(6) le verbe 'jouer' serait mieux, non ?
(7) ordre des mots
(8) négation maladroite

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