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    Discrimination/Correction

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

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    Discrimination/Correction
    Message de bishem91 posté le 26-12-2012 à 15:33:24 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour
    Je dois rédiger un article sur un cas de discrimination.
    Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger mes erreurs s'il vous plaît?
    Merci d'avance.


    Mister Aboué Komal, an inhabitant of California, twenty years old, was assaulted in Bakersfield’s street last month. The assaulters ran away having stolen from him his personal documents, one of them had a dagger in his hand and used it to strike the victim and it hurt him in his shoulder.
    Mister Komal thinks he knows the assaillants: " I have already had some problems with them because I was the only one of my class to be accepted to medical school. Furthermore, several times, they insulted me and even threatened but I never thought that they could be so racist and vindictive. "
    The family of Aboué Komal helped him and urged him to lodge a complaint while he hesitated on this last point. He was afraid of reprisals, according to his friends.
    But this assault cannot be hidden and this three assaulters who are the same age as Komal were found, they hadn’t run away at all and they admitted their attack but denied the use of the weapon. Their lawyers presents them as: " young people who weren’t lucky enough as their companion and who acted more by jealousy than by anything else." But the lawyers of those young people didn’t mothe remark on the weapon: " it was only a simple toy, harmless " an affirmation based on no ground.
    Aboué Komal asserts that he was a victim of discrimination, indeed one of the assaulters hurt him in the leg and spitting on him, he said to him: " Nasty Black " The lawyer of the victim insists on this sentence which hurt most Aboué Komal according to him and thinks that these young hooligans must be judged for discrimination besides violence. After the police questioned them, they added that they had burnt the stolen documents. " An unforgivable act, it is to deprive him of his American status " said John Guilert one of the rare witnesses, " to attack a citizen with a weapon, it’s unforgivable".
    The police doesn’t want to believe in this mister Aboué's last assertion. From there, big demonstrations followed in California supporting Aboué Komal. Big excitement just before the presidential election. Everybody has to defend the general interests and prevent discrimination in every case.

    However the lawsuit didn’t take place because mister Aboué Komal prefers to withdrow his complaint and explained: " what happened to me is a drop in the ocean, I prefer to withdrow my complaint and so to show everyone, how it’s necessary to fight discrimination. Just to finish, I would like all the Americans to unite to make racism disappear." A sentence summarized by Mister Barack Obama during his meeting in California. Did this case have an impact on his election?

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 26-12-2012 18:16


    Réponse: Discrimination/Correction de brettdallen, postée le 26-12-2012 à 16:42:32 (S | E)
    Hello,

    I will only suggest a few improvements here or there. Basically you did a good job!

    Mister Aboué Komal, an inhabitant of California, twenty years old aged 20, living in California, was assaulted /attacked in Bakersfield’s street last month. The assaulters attackers ran away after having stolen stealing from him his personal documents his personal documents from him, (full stop) one One of them had a dagger in his hand and used it to strike the victim and it hurt him in his shoulder. stabbed the victim in his shoulder. Mister Komal thinks he knows the assaillants: " I have already had some problems with them because I was the only one of my class to be accepted to medical school. Furthermore, several times, they insulted me and even threatened me but I had never thought that they could be so racist and vindictive. "
    The family of Aboué Komal A. K.'s family helped him and urged him to lodge a complaint while he hesitated on this last point. He was afraid of reprisals, according to his friends.
    But this assault cannot be hidden and this plural! three assaulters who are the same age as Komal were found, full stop they hadn’t run away (but you said so!) at all and they admitted their attack but denied the use of the weapon. Their lawyers presents (plural) them as: " young Young people who weren’t lucky enough so lucky as their companion and who acted more by jealousy than by anything else." But the lawyers of those young people didn’t mothe make any remark on the weapon: " it was only a simple toy, harmless harmless toy " an affirmation/ allegation based on no ground.
    Aboué Komal asserts that he was a victim of discrimination, (full stop) indeed, one of the assaulters hurt him in the leg and (comma) spitting (past simple) on him,and even he said to him/ called him: " Nasty Black " The lawyer of the victim insists on this sentence/insult which hurt most Aboué Komal according to him and thinks that these young hooligans must be judged for discrimination besides(is it really about discrimination? I'd say "racism") as well as for acts of violence. After the police questioned them, they added that they had burnt the stolen documents. " An unforgivable act, it is to deprive him of his American status " said John Guilert one of the rare witnesses, " to attack a citizen with a weapon, it’s unforgivable".
    The police doesn’t want to believe in this mister Mr Aboué's last assertion. From there, big demonstrations followed in California supporting Aboué Komal (after "demonstrations"). Big excitement just before the presidential election. Everybody has to defend the general interests and prevent discrimination in every case.

    However the lawsuit didn’t take place because mister Aboué Komal prefers to withdrow spelling his complaint and explained: " what happened to me is a drop in the ocean/ bucket, I prefer to withdrow my complaint and so to show everyone, how it’s necessary how necessary it is to fight discrimination. Just to finish, I would like all the Americans to unite to make racism disappear." A sentence summarized by Mister Barack Obama during his meeting in California. Did this case have an impact on his election?





    Réponse: Discrimination/Correction de violet91, postée le 26-12-2012 à 16:57:33 (S | E)
    Hello,

    D'accord sur le style journalistique de ce texte. A few remarks, though :
    - After having stolen : était correct , mais plus tenu que ' after stealing' plus vraisemblable si un 'papier'.
    - Those attackers ( pas these): péjoratif et éloignement ( même de soi).
    - The three weren't as lucky as their fellow .
    - Attacking a(ny) citizen is unforgivable .
    - President B.Obama (garder le titre). (Mr is not respectful enough)
    - Did that case have an impact ..? ( conclusion, donc éloignement)

    Hope this helps , too.
    Joyeuses fêtes!




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