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    Correction /description

    Cours gratuits > Forum > Forum anglais: Questions sur l'anglais || En bas

    [POSTER UNE NOUVELLE REPONSE] [Suivre ce sujet]


    Correction /description
    Message de celnesse posté le 04-11-2014 à 00:50:09 (S | E | F)
    Bonjour,
    J'ai dû créer une publicité. J'ai décidé de réaliser une campagne de sensibilisation contre le port de la fourrure. Cependant,ensuite,j'ai dû en faire la description . Je n'ai pas entièrement terminé mais avant de poursuivre mon travail,j'aimerais avoir une vérification du début. Je posterai au fur et à mesure mon avancée . Cependant, je dois avoir terminé le travail avant samedi .
    Merci pour votre précieuse aide.

    "This document is an awareness campaign from an association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing of fur. As wearing fur it's take part to the lingering massacre of species of animals,so to the extermination of the environment,like cigarette which ruins healthy of person who smokes but especially people's around,so the layout is presented as a packet of cigarettes.

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right hand corner,there are the logo and the slogan .

    The logo represents a big human hand prints,opened and consisting of a smaller trak with written the name of the organization. Under,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the association (or defining the association ?? HELP ! The sentence is "Just 4 us,the association for the protection of animals).
    Moreover,the colors used are soft but also garish and bright so catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first,green connotes life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and keep us hoping that man is not only evil but is able to change and to become someone better whereas blue embodies all animal 's qualities like flawlessness,honourableness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human being has to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of put them through hell and harm these innofensive animals (or beast ? Can I ?? )
    The side where is located this logo strenghten the wish of peace,stopping of suffering and evil of the association since it is located on the right,side which symbolizes good part.

    On the left of the ligo,there is the slogan which is "together,for more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and as it connotes friendship,joy,heat but especially ego,I chose (or I have chosen ??) it to renforce the idea of peace,egality and respect for all animals.

    Besides..."

    J'ai encore écrit pas mal d'idées mais pourrais-je avoir d'abord une correction de ce gros paragraphe ? Je posterai la suite ensuite !

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 04-11-2014 08:22


    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 04-11-2014 à 12:54:59 (S | E)
    Pourrais-je avoir de l'aide SVP s'il vous plaît ?

    -------------------
    Modifié par lucile83 le 04-11-2014 13:03



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 04-11-2014 à 17:23:34 (S | E)
    Hello !

    I'll do it ...
    blue = error
    green = suggestion
    xxxxx clumsy
    XXXXX= missing elements

    "This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing of fur. As wearing fur it'is take part to the lingering massacre of species of animals,sot to the extermination of the environment,like cigarette which ruinsXXX healthy of XXX person(un 'cas possessif serait bien meilleur !then, of course, you'll have to change part of the rest of the sentence ...) who smokes but especially people's around XXX,so the layout is presented as a packet of cigarettes.

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right hand corner,there are



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 04-11-2014 à 17:26:45 (S | E)
    ARGHHHHH !!!!

    The rest of the correction has disappeared ... I'll ask Laurent, our beloved webmater, if he can get it back ...on his terrible machine !
    If not, don't worry, I'll do it again !

    I've just written a message to our Webmaster. If I don't hear from him by 8.30 or 9, I'll start again ! I promise ! Sorry for the delay !



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 04-11-2014 à 17:37:13 (S | E)
    I got the rest on my computer and will try to post it ...
    Fingers crossed !

    The logo represents a big human hand-prints,opened and consisting of a smaller trak with written the name of the organization.very badly said ... Under,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the association OK (or defining the association ?? HELP ! The sentence is "Just 4 us,the Aassociation for the protection of animals).
    Moreover,the colors used are both soft but alsoand garish and bright ,so catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first,green connotes??? life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and keep us hoping that man is not only evil but is able to change and to become someone better whereas blue embodies all animal 's qualities like flawlessness,honourableness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human being has(in general = >plural!) to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of put them through hell and harm ; they're these innofensive (harmless) animals (or beast ? Can I ?? )
    The side where is located this logo(word order !) strenghten the wish of peace,stopping of (look for a noun !) suffering and evil of the association since it is located on the right,side which symbolizes XXX good part.

    On the left of the ligo,there is the slogan which is "together,for more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and as it connotes friendship,joy,heat(??? heat is red !) but especially ego???,I chose (or I have chosen ??)(both are acceptable, depending on wht you want to insist on : time or result.) it to renforce the idea of peace,egality and respect for all animals.


    Bon courage !
    I think I got it ! Your text was much too long ... I think that's why it wasn't taken immediately ...



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 04-11-2014 à 20:04:24 (S | E)
    Hello !!! THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP !!!! :D You were my last hope !! Thank you ! Desolée pour l'heure à laquelle je vous réponds,mais je viens tout juste de rentrer du lycée J'ai essayé de corriger au mieux mon texte :

    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.Wearing fur is join in the lingering massacre of species of animals,so in the extermination of the environment,like cigarettes which ruin some persons'health,who smoke but especially people around them,so the layout is presented as a packet of cigarettes (je ne suis vraiment pas certaine de cette phrase...).

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right hand corner,there is  the logo and the slogan.

    The logo represents a big human hand-print,opened and consisting of a smaller track with written the organization's name Below,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the association .

    Moreover,the colors used are both soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first,green embodies life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make uskeep hoping that menare not only evil but are able to change and to become better people whereas blue embodies all qualities of animalsanimal like flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human being have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of put them through hell and harm ; they're harmless animals .
    The side where this logo is located strenghtens the wish of peace,disappearance of suffering and evil of the association since it is situated on the right,side which symbolizes the  good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and as it represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.

    I have chosen (merci beaucoup pour la réponse ) it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.


    Voilà, je pense qu'il y a encore beaucoup d'erreurs...mais on a pas tous la chance d'avoir un professeur d'anglais à la maison ;) Merci encore pour votre temps et votre aide !!
    J'attends votre réponse avec impatience !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 13:15:56 (S | E)
    Merci beaucoup pour la correction de la 1ère partie ! Voici la 2nde :

    Besides,in the middle of the ad,we can note the visuals which give us the feeling to enter a new world,dark and bad,enter the Hell .
    In the background,we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us,the audience,with a pained look and big sad,distressful and suffering eyes,to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living,with feelings and which (or "who" ??) like us can suffer.

    Moreover,white pearls are used to represent his pupils and make this picture of a fox,alive,as if he was just next to the audience,watching them and remind us of him too,live . The presence of white surrounded by dark (or in a dark scenery ???) make us hoping .Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure .

    Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note his pain,sorrow and death throes but also his powerlessness to be able to defend himself because of his weakness,fragility and innocence and prompt anger which makes his eyes blaze,and indignation .

    Besides,the dominant colors are red,black and white . They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing .

    Indeed,he embodies flowlessness,innocence as shows it a part of his face,which is covered in white coat,made of real feathers,to make this picture more near us,like the whitr pupil of his eyes.

    However,the fox has a bit of his fur torn and shows his skin,flesh and his blood what prove cruelty and madness of men of which (or whose ??) undergo .animals.

    Merci infiniment !! =)



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 15:22:23 (S | E)
    ? Quelqu'un pourrait m'aider ?



    Réponse: Correction /description de tdu6300, postée le 05-11-2014 à 15:52:05 (S | E)
    Bonjour Celnesse

    Bleu = Erreurs ou à revoir
    Vert = Mes propositions
    X ou XXX = Ponctuation manquante ou mot manquant
    (Numéro) = Renvoi bas de page

    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an association called "Just 4 Us",(1)which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.(1)Wearing fur is join in(2) the lingering massacre of species of animals,so in the extermination of the environment,like cigarettes which ruin some persons'health,who smoke but especially people around them,so the layout is presented as a packet of cigarettes (je ne suis vraiment pas certaine de cette phrase...).

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    First,in the right hand corner,there is(OK) the logo and the slogan.

    The logo represents a big human hand-print,opened and consisting of a smaller track(3) with written the organization's name(4) Below(OK),we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the association .

    Moreover,the colors used are both(OK) soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first,green embodies(OK) life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make uskeep(5) hoping that men(6)are not only evil but are able to change and to become better people whereas blue embodies all qualities of animalsanimal(7) like flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human being have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of put(8) them through hell and harm ; they're harmless animals .
    The side where this logo is located(OK) strengthens(9) the wish of peace,disappearance(OK) of suffering and evil of the association since it is situated(OK) on the right,side which symbolizes the(OK) good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and as it represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.

    I have chosen (merci beaucoup pour la réponse ) it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.

    (1) Règles de ponctuation en anglais: Pas d’espace entre la dernière lettre d’un mot et la ponctuation qui suit.
    Un espace entre la ponctuation et la première lettre du mot suivant.
    Le nombre de cas dans votre texte est trop important pour les marquer tous. Vérifier tous les endroits où il y a un signe de ponctuation.
    (2) « is join in » n’a pas de sens. Dans .votre texte original, vous utilisiez “As wearing fur it's take part to”
    Dans votre seconde version, après correction de here4u, vous proposez: « Wearing fur is join in »
    « is join in » ne convient pas. Here4u vous indiquait de modifier “to” qui ne convenait pas avec “part”. Here4u avait raison dans le contexte qu’Here4u essayait de mettre en place. Cependant, je crois que ce que vous vouliez dire n’est pas clair, car il y a une suite à cette phrase, et du coup, ça complique les choses. Si vous corrigez « to » comme vous le conseille Here4u, cela orientera la phrase dans un sens qui n’est peut-être pas celui que vous vouliez à l’origine. Je pense qu’il faut que vous revoyiez l’ensemble de vote phrase.
    (3) L’orthographe est corrigée, mais voulez-vous dire qu’un chemin est représenté sur le logo. ?
    (4) L’ordre des mots n’est pas le bon. Quel est le sujet de « written » ? Où devrait-il se trouver ? Enfin, une fois l’ordre des mots rétabli, il faudra rappeler que c’est écrit « sur quelque chose »
    (5) La première vesion allait très bien. Il y avait juste un problème de conjugaison. Trouvez le sujet de « keep » et réfléchissez.
    (6) Ajoutez un espace entre « men » et « are »
    (7) Votre première version était presque bonne. Here4u essayait simplement de vous indiquer qu’il n’y avait pas de cas génitif.
    (8) Lien internet

    (9) L’ajout du »s » à la fin est OK. Mais il reste une petite faute. Vérifiez dans le dictionnaire.

    Bel effort sur un texte difficile.
    Continuez.
    Un conseil général. Lorsque vous écrivez enn anglais ou traduisez un texte du français vers l'anglais, reprenez ce que vous avez écrit, puis traduisez le de l'anglais vers le français. Celà vous permettra de détecter de nombreuses erreurs.
    En espérant vous être utile.
    Cordialement



    Réponse: Correction /description de tdu6300, postée le 05-11-2014 à 16:26:30 (S | E)
    Bonjour Celnesse

    Vous avez fait un bel effort. Mais le début de votre texte est très nébuleux, car ce que vous avez cherché à exprimer est très ambitieux.

    Etes-vous partie d'un texte en français, ou ce texte est-il une descrition directe en anglais d'un document de type image?

    Dans tous les cas, je vous propose de faire apparaitre le texte des premières phrases en français , c'est à dire:
    Wearing fur is[...] so the layout is presented as a packet of cigarettes.

    Cela nous permettrait de déterminer plus précisement les idées que vous avez voulu exprimer.


    Dans une moindre mesure on pourrait traiter de la même manière tout le chapitre qui commence par:
    Moreover[...]
    et se termine par:
    [...]harmless animals.

    Mais pour ce chapitre, qui est plus simple, vous pourriez par exemple le diviser en différents composants du logo, les couleurs par exemple, ce qui vous permettrait de faire des phrases plus courtes.

    En espérant vous être utile.
    Cordialement.



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 16:42:31 (S | E)
    Merci,beaucoup ! Avec l'aide en plus de here4u j'ai réussi à obtenir ce texte :


    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an Association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.Wearing fur is as despirable as in the lingering massacre of species of animals,and as the extermination of the environment, like cigarettes which ruin people's health,who the smokers' but especially the health of people around them. So the layout of the document presented as a packet of cigarettes .
    .

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right-hand corner,we can see the logo and the slogan of the association .
    The logo represents a big human handprint, extented and consisting of a smaller leg track of an animal with the name of the organization written bellow .


    Underneath,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the Association .Moreover,the colors used are both soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first, green embodies life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make us keep hoping that men are not only evil but are able to change and to become better people. Similarly, whereas blue symbolizes all the qualities of animals : flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human beings have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of putting them through hell and pain ; they're harmless animals .The side where this logo is located strenghtens the wish of peace, the disappearance of suffering and evil of the Association since it is situated on the right ;side which symbolizes the good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for A more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.I have chosen it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.


    Merci encore ! J'attends la correction de la 2nde partie ! ;) (il y en a 3 en tout,la dernière est un très gros paragraphe )



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 16:50:42 (S | E)
    Tdu6300 ,oui à vrai dire il fallait créer une publicité,sur un thème qui nous inspirait,et ensuite justifier nos choix de mise en forme,de couleurs...et la décrire.

    En espérant avoir répondu à votre question.




    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 05-11-2014 à 18:53:42 (S | E)
    Hello !
    Je suis perdue dans les paragraphes corrigés et ceux à corriger ... 'Le gros paragraphe ?' quel gros paragraphe ?
    Je ne fais que passer car suis un peu débordée pour le moment, (et en ce moment!) ... TDU a bien travaillé, j'en suis certaine !
    Je pense que ce n'est pas pour demain ...

    Besides,in the middle of the ad,we can note the visuals which give us the feeling to enter a new world,dark and bad,enter the Hell .
    In the background,we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us,the audience,with a pained??? look and big sad,distressful and suffering eyes,to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being ,with feelings and which (or "who" ??) like us can suffer.

    Moreover,white pearls are used to represent his pupils and make this picture of a fox,alive,as if he was(I'd rather have a modal preterite) just next to the audience,watching them and remind (not clear !What's the subject of this verb?)us of him too,alive . The presence of white surrounded by dark (or in a dark scenery ???) make ??? us hoping .Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure .

    Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note his pain,sorrow and death throes but also his powerlessness to be able to defend himself because of his weakness,fragility and innocence and prompt anger which makes his eyes blaze,and of ??indignation .

    Besides,the dominant colors are red,black and white . They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing .

    Indeed,he embodies flowlessness,innocence as shows(you need a past participle!) in a part of his face,which is covered in white coat,made of real feathers,to make this picture more near us,like the whitr pupil of his eyes.(sorry, I can't visualize the picture .... Your sentence is much too long and you've lost me !)

    However,the fox has a bit of his fur torn and it shows his skin,flesh and his blood, what prove XXX cruelty and madness of men of which (or whose ??) undergo .animals.(Why did you change the order subject/verb ?)

    Sorry ! I can't read again ... Must stop !




    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 22:21:52 (S | E)
    Bonsoir, bonsoir !

    Merci pour votre corrigé,mais surtout pour votre temps ! ^^
    Si vous voyez tout de même ce message, le 'gros paragraphe' est juste la dernière partie de mon texte entier.
    Je poste la correction ainsi que la dernière "grosse" partie à corriger,en espérant que quelqu'un pourra me répondre assez rapidement...:

    TEXTE QUE J'AI ESSAYÉ DE CORRIGER :

    Besides,in the middle of the ad,we can note the visuals which give us the feeling that we are entering (pas vraiment sûre) a new world,dark and bad,enter Hell .In the background,we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us,the audience,with a pained look (je veux dire ,ici,qu'il semble avoir un regard douleureux) and big sad,distressful and suffering eyes,to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being ,with feelings and which  like us can suffer.

    Moreover,white pearls are used to represent its pupils and make this picture of a fox,alive,as if he were just next to the audience,watching them.So its look reminds us of him too,live . The presence of white surrounded by dark make us keep hoping .Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure .Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note his pain,sorrow and death throes but also his powerlessness to be able to defend himself because of his weakness,fragility and innocence and prompt anger which make his eyes blaze of indignation .Besides,the dominant colors are red,black and white . They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing .Indeed,he embodies flawlessness,innocence as showed in a part of his face,which is covered in white coat,made of real feathers,to make this picture more near us,like the white pupil of his eyes.

    However,the fox has the fur of the left part of its face,side which symbolizes bad, torn,showing us that way its hisskin,flesh and his blood. That proves us cruelty and madness of men of which animals undergo .

    Voilà, pouvez vous me signaler s'il existe encore des fautes ou non.
    J'essaye de poster la dernière partie NON CORRIGÉE dans la soirée.
    Merci pour tout Et désolée pour le "manque de réalité" de mon texte...



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 22:25:45 (S | E)
    Oublie : *as if he were just next to the audience,watching us



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 05-11-2014 à 23:32:29 (S | E)
    Voici la dernière partie qui n'a pas encore été corrigée . Elle est un peu longue,désolée

    Whereas,opposed to this animal is represented a "woman" wearing a fur coat.
    On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.

    With this coat,this woman doesn't look human.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes from straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skin and bone,all white like a roving soul.

    Moreover,this blood dripping a garment , shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering,pain of a living being .

    This woman is showed like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as shows us the expression of its face with scars,black and razor sharp teeth,and dripping of blood.This woman is a creature without feelings,neither compassion nor pity.

    By the same token,her black eyes,cross shaped as well as the absence (or the lack ? ) of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person wants only to kill,only death.All the more so because as her eyebrows are raised,her face get even (or still) more scaring.Blood is trickled (du sang est versé) for only a simple garment,ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling (a synonym,please ? To avoid repetitions) a pool of blood. 8t urges peoples wearing fur to be ashamed .

    In this pool is represented creature's shaddow : a cross which shows us that the "nice" fur clothes,clean,reflect actually death and suffering,violence,horror and massacre.

    Her blond hair proves us likewise that even under an angel face can hide a real demon,a murderer.They are everywhere among us.The association fights also against them .

    Thurthermore,there are several spots of blood which catch our attention and make us realize of all taken lives for useless and superficial objects,to satisfy the own pleasures of human being.

    Voilà,il me manquera juste quelques phrases conclusives et j'aurai ENFIN terminé ! J'attends avec impatience votre correction

    Merci et désolée pour le boulot...



    Réponse: Correction /description de tdu6300, postée le 06-11-2014 à 02:49:29 (S | E)
    Bonjour Celnesse et here4u
    Appelons cette partie Part 1

    Bleu = Erreurs ou à revoir
    Vert = Mes propositions
    X ou XXX = Ponctuation manquante ou mot manquant
    (Numéro) = Renvoi bas de page

    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an Association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.Wearing fur is as despirable(1) as in(2) the lingering massacre of species of animals,and as the extermination of the environment, like cigarettes which ruin people's health,who the smokers' but especially the health of people around them. So the layout of the document presented as a packet of cigarettes .(3)
    .

    This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right-hand corner,we can see the logo and the slogan of the association .
    The logo represents a big human handprint, extended and consisting of a (4) smaller leg(5) track of an animal with the name of the organization written bellow .

    Underneath,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the Association .Moreover,(5) the colors used are both soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first,(5) green embodies life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make us keep hoping that men are not only evil but are able to change and to become better people. Similarly, whereas(5) blue symbolizes all the qualities of animals : flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human beings have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of putting them through hell and pain ; they're harmless animals .The side where this logo is located strenghtens(6) the wish of(7) peace, the(8) disappearance of suffering and evil of the Association since it is situated on the right ;(9)side which symbolizes the good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for A more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.I have chosen it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.

    Remarque générale.
    Merci de revoir toutes les marques de ponctuation et d’enlever les espaces en trop ou en ajouter là où ils manquent.
    Rappel de ces règles.
    A-Il n’y a pas d’espace entre la dernière lettre d’un mot et la ponctuation.
    B-Il y a un espace entre lla ponctuation et la première lettre du mot suivant.

    (1) Orthographe
    (2) Remplacer pas « is »
    (3) Je pense avoir compris ce que vous voulez dire, mais il faut revoir tout ce passage. En fait, je pense qu’il faut présenter tout ce passage comme une énumération de choses méprisables, liées par des mots de liaison tels que « ou », ou « avec ». Essayez de retraduire votre passage en français pour vous aider.
    (4) Remplacer ce passage par deux mots : Un mot de liaison et un article.
    (5) Supprimer. Ces mots sont inutiles. Certains pourraient être gardés, mais nécessiteraient de longues explications. Les supprimer simplifiera les phrases, allègera le texte.
    Pour votre gouverne, je vous conseille de comparer les différentes évolutions de votre texte et de chercher à comprendre pourquoi ces évolutions ont eu lieu.
    (6) Orthographe. Deux lettres sont dans le désordre.
    (7) « of » n’est pas la bonne préposition.
    (8) Remplacer la virgule et l’article par un mot de liaison.
    (9) Supprimez ce point-virgule qui n’a pas de sens ici.

    Encore une série de correction pour Part 1. On devrait s'approcher d'une version définitive.
    En espérant vous être utile.
    Cordialement.



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 06-11-2014 à 13:47:24 (S | E)
    Hello !

    Are you writing a novel, or a thesis ?

    Whereas,opposed to this animal |is represented 3 |a "woman"1 |(word order ?)|wearing a fur coat.2|
    On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.

    With this coat,this woman doesn't look humanE.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes from straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinNY and boneY,all white like a roving soul.

    Moreover,this blood dripping a garment???? , shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering, XXX pain of a living being .

    This woman is showed ARGHHHHHH .... like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as XX murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as shows us the expression of its face (WORD ORDER) : with scars,black and razor sharp teeth,and dripping of blood. This woman is a creature without feelings, neither compassion nor pity.

    By the same token,her black eyes,cross shaped as well as the absence (or the lack ? OK) of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person wants only(word order) to kill,only death.All the more so because as her eyebrows are raised,her face getS even (or still) more scaring.Blood is trickled (du sang est versé)SHED for only a simple garment,ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (a synonym,please ? To avoid repetitions) a pool of blood. 8t urges peoples wearing fur to be ashamed .

    Sorry ! Must go again !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 16:24:09 (S | E)
    Bonjour,Tdu6300 !

    J'ai essayé de corriger mes erreurs,mais je ne pense pas que tout soit correct...

    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an Association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.Wearing fur is killing little by little all of species of animals and destroying the environment around us like cigarettes which kill little by little the smokers'health and people's around them (=et celle des personnes autour d'eux).

    So the layout of the document is presented as a packet of cigarettes .This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right-hand corner,we can see the logo and the slogan of the association .The logo represents a big human handprint, (je ne comprends pas ce qu'il faut rajouter ici) extended and consisting of a smaller track of an animal with the name of the organization written bellow .Underneath,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the Association .Moreover,(ma consigne m'oblige à laisser ces mots) the colors used are both soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first, green embodies life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make us keep hoping that men are not only evil but are able to change and to become better people. Similarly, whereas blue symbolizes all the qualities of animals : flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human beings have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of putting them through hell and pain ; they're harmless animals .The side where this logo is located strengthens the wish for peace, the (je ne sais pas non plus ce qu'il faut rajouter ici...)disappearance of suffering and evil of the Association since it is situated on the right,side which symbolizes the good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for A more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.I have chosen it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.

    Voilà,j'attends votre réponse !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 16:55:51 (S | E)
    Bonjour her4u
    Merci pour votre correction !

    Opposed to this animal a "woman" wearing fur is represented On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.With this coat,this woman doesn't look humane.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinny and bony,entirely white like a roving soul.Moreover,the blood dripping from this garment, shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering, (je ne comprends pas ce que je dois ajouter )XXX pain of a living being .This woman is showed like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as the (??) murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as shows us its face expression : with scars,black and razor sharp teeth,and dripping of blood. This woman is a creature without feelings, neither compassion nor pity.By the same token,her black eyes,cross shaped as well as the lack of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person only wants to kill,only death.All the more so as her eyebrows are raised,her face gets even (or still) more scaring.Blood is shed for only a simple garment,ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (=femme dégoulinante de sang...je ne sais même pas si c'est correct en français...) a pool of blood. It urges people wearing fur to be ashamed .

    Merci !



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 06-11-2014 à 17:50:14 (S | E)
    Opposed to this animal a "woman" wearing fur is represented (on the right/left ? ). On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black(and white?) and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.With this coat,this woman doesn't look humane.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinny and bony,entirely white like a roving (lost) soul.Moreover,the blood dripping from this garment, shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering, (je ne comprends pas ce que je dois ajouter )XXX (Il faut un déterminant, puisque la douleur est déterminée par 'of', ce n'est pas n'importe laquelle !)pain of a living being .This woman is showed(Je vais me fâcher ! on veut un participe passé! ) like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as the murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as shows us its face(another useless inversion) expression : with scars,black and razor sharp teeth,and the having dripping of blood. This woman is a creature without feelings, neither compassion nor pity.By the same token,her black eyes,cross shaped as well as the lack of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person only wants to kill,only death(clumsy juxtaposition).All the more so as her eyebrows are raised,her face gets even (or still) more scarY.Blood is shed for only a simple garment, X ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (=femme dégoulinante de sang...je ne sais même pas si c'est correct en français...) a pool of blood. It urges people wearing fur to be ashamed .
    In this pool is represented creature's shaddow (another faulty inversion): a cross which shows us that the "nice" clean fur clothes,clean,reflect actually(word order again!) death and suffering,violence,horror and massacre.

    Her blond hair proves us likewise that even under an angel face can hide a real demon,a murdererword order).They are everywhere among us.The association fights also(WO!!!) against them .

    T
    hurthermore,there are several spots(stains) of blood which catch our attention and make us realize of all taken lives for useless and superficial objects,to satisfy the own pleasures of human beingS.

    Il faut vraiment faire attention aux inversions 'à la Française' qui ne sont pas anglaises du tout !
    Good luck !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 19:18:58 (S | E)
    In front of this animal a "woman" wearing fur is represented .She looks to be (being ?) its opposite . On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black,opposed to white, and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.With this coat,this woman doesn't look humane.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinny and bony,entirely white like a lost soul.Moreover,the blood dripping from this garment, shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering,the pain of a living being .This woman is showN ( ) like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as the murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as its face expression shows us : with scars,black and razor sharp teeth,and the having dripping of blood. This woman is a creature without feelings, neither compassion nor pity.By the same token,her black eyes,cross shaped as well as the lack of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person only wants to kill and death.All the more so as her eyebrows are raised,her face gets even (or still) more scary.Blood is shed for only a simple garment,a ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (=femme qui verse...) a pool of blood. It urges people wearing fur to be ashamed.In this pool creature's shaddow is represented : a cross which shows us that the "nice" clean fur clothes,clean,actually reflect actually death and suffering,violence,horror and massacre.Her blond hair proves us likewise that even under an angel face  a real demon,a murderer can hide.They are everywhere among us.The association also fights against them .Fhurthermore,there are several stains of blood which catch our attention and make us realize of all taken lives for useless and superficial objects,to satisfy the own pleasures of human beings.

    Voilà,voilou ;) Par contre,j'avais posté la correction du "Part 2" qui commence par "Besides",et je ne sais pas elle est correcte ;)

    Desolée pour tout ce texte



    Réponse: Correction /description de here4u, postée le 06-11-2014 à 20:27:11 (S | E)
    In front of this animal a "woman" wearing fur is represented .She looksseems to be (being ?) its opposite . On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black,opposed to white, and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive and. nNow,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.With this coat,this woman doesn't look humane.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinny and bony,entirely white like a lost soul.Moreover,the blood dripping from this garment, shows us the origin of the coat : it comes from (or results ?) crying and shouting,suffering,the pain of a living being .This woman is showN (SIGH OF RELIEF ! ) like a real criminal. Wearing fur is as despicable as the murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal, as its face expression(clumsy) shows us : with scars,black and razor-sharp teeth,and the having dripping of blood. This woman is a creature without feelings, neither compassion nor pity.By the same token,her black eyes,cross-shaped as well as the lack of her nose,give us the feeling (or the impression ?) that this person only wants to kill and death? (you need another verb!).All the more so as her eyebrows are raised,her face gets even (or still) more scary.Blood is shed for only(WO!) a simple garment,a ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (=femme qui verse...) a pool of blood. It urges people wearing fur to be ashamed.In this pool Xcreature's shaddow is represented : a cross which shows us that the "nice" clean fur clothes,clean,actually reflect actually death and suffering,violence,horror and massacre.Her blonde hair proves us likewise that even under an angel face, a real demon,a murderer can hide.They are everywhere among us.The association also fights against them .Fhurthermore,there are several stains of blood which catch our attention and make us realize of all taken lives for useless and superficial objects,to satisfy the own pleasures of human beings.


    I must admit I'm lost in your different parts !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 21:23:07 (S | E)
    D'accord, encore merci ! Je reposte tout en entier :

    PART 1 (pas fini d'être vérifié ) :

    This document is 'an awareness campaign' from an Association called "Just 4 Us",which is meant for the protection of animals and against wearing fur.Wearing fur is killing little by little all of species of animals and destroying the environment around us like cigarettes which kill little by little the smokers'health and people's around them (=et celle des personnes autour d'eux).  So the layout of the document is presented as a packet of cigarettes .This notice is composed of 6 documents :

    ● First,in the right-hand corner,we can see the logo and the slogan of the association .The logo represents a big human handprint, extended and consisting of a smaller track of an animal with the name of the organization written bellow .Underneath,we can also note a short sentence explaining the purpose of the Association .Moreover, the colors used are both soft , garish and bright , catchy and have several meanings.Indeed,first, green embodies life,nature,well-being but also harmony,luck and make us keep hoping that men are not only evil but are able to change and to become better people. Similarly, whereas blue symbolizes all the qualities of animals : flawlessness,innocence,serenity and truthfulness.In that way,this logo shows us that human beings have to take care of animals,protect and preserve them instead of putting them through hell and pain ; they're harmless animals .The side where this logo is located strengthens the wish for peace, the disappearance of suffering and evil of the Association since it is situated on the right,side which symbolizes the good part.On the left of the logo,there is the slogan which is "together,for A more beautiful life",written in yellow .This color strikes our attention and represents joy and warmth but especially friendship.I have chosen it to reinforce the idea of peace,equality and respect for all animals.

    PART 2 : (pas fini d'être corrigé non plus)


    Besides,in the middle of the ad,we can note the visuals which give us the feeling that we are entering a new world,dark and bad,enter Hell .In the background,we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us,the audience,with a pained look (je veux dire ,ici,qu'il semble avoir un regard douleureux) and big sad,distressful and suffering eyes,to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being ,with feelings and which  like us can suffer.Moreover,white pearls are used to represent its pupils and make this picture of a fox,alive,as if he were just next to the audience,watching them.So its look reminds us of him too,live . The presence of white surrounded by dark make us keephoping .Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure .Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note his pain,sorrow and death throes but also his powerlessness to be able to defend himself because of his weakness,fragility and innocence and prompt anger which make his eyes blaze of indignation .Besides,the dominant colors are red,black and white . They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing .Indeed,he embodies flawlessness,innocence as showed in a part of his face,which is covered in white coat,made of real feathers,to make this picture more near us,like the white pupil of his eyes.However,the fox has the fur of the left part of its face,side which symbolizes bad, torn,showing us that way its hisskin,flesh and his blood. That proves us cruelty and madness of men of which animals undergo .

    PART 3 :

    In front of this animal a "woman" wearing fur is represented .She seems to be its opposite . On her,this fur doesn't embody flawlessness and innocence since it is represented in black,opposed to white, and shows us that before being killed,the fox was alive.Now,this coat is only a part of his carcass.Wearing fur is wearing death.With this coat,this woman doesn't look humane.She looks like a monster;a creature which comes straight from Hell and embodies death.Indeed,at first,her face looks skinny and bony,entirely white like a lost soul.Moreover,the blood dripping from this garment, shows us the origin of the coat :it comes from crying and shouting,suffering,the pain of a living being .This woman is showN like a real criminal.Wearing fur is as despicable as the murder of animals.Indeed,this creature looks like a real murderer,a monster which has just finished its meal,as its face expressions shows it to us ?:with scars,black and razor-sharp teeth,and dripping of blood.This woman is a creature without feelings,neither compassion nor pity.By the same token,her black eyes,cross-shaped as well as the lack of her nose,give us the feeling that this person only wants to kill and only thinks of death.All the more so as her eyebrows are raised,her face gets even more scary_



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 21:28:24 (S | E)
    (suite PART 3) :


    Blood is shed only for a simple garment,a ridiculous accessory. Indeed the woman, is trickling??? WHAT DO YOU MEAN? FORMING ? (=femme qui verse...) a pool of blood. It urges people wearing fur to be ashamed.In this pool the creature's shaddow is represented : a cross which shows us that the "nice" clean fur clothes,actually reflect death and suffering,violence,horror and massacre.Her blonde hair proves us likewise that even under an angel face, a real demon,a murderer can hide.They are everywhere among us.The association also fights against them .Furthermore,there are several stains of blood which catch our attention and make us realize of all taken lives for useless and superficial objects,to satisfy the own pleasures of human beings.


    Si vous lisez ceci,je vous pour remercie votre courage



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 06-11-2014 à 23:15:22 (S | E)
    M'a-t-on abandonné ?



    Réponse: Correction /description de tdu6300, postée le 07-11-2014 à 01:54:35 (S | E)
    Bonjour Celnesse et here4u
    Appelons cette partie Part 2

    Bleu = Erreurs ou à revoir
    Vert = Mes propositions
    X ou XXX = Ponctuation manquante ou mot manquant
    (Numéro) = Renvoi bas de page

    Besides,in the middle of the ad,we can note the visuals which give us the feeling that we are entering (pas vraiment sûre)(1) a new world,dark and bad,enter(2) Hell .In the background,we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us,the audience,with a pained look (je veux dire ,ici,qu'il semble avoir un regard douleureux) and(3) big sad,distressful and suffering eyes,to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being ,with feelings and which like us can suffer.

    Moreover,white pearls are used to represent its pupils and make this picture of a fox,alive,as if he(4) were just next to the audience,watching them(5).So its look reminds us of him(4) too,live(6) . The presence of white surrounded by dark make us keep(7) hoping .Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure .Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note his(4) pain,sorrow and death throes but also his(4) powerlessness to be able to defend himself(4) because of his(4) weakness,fragility and innocence and prompt anger which make(7) his(4) eyes blaze of(8) indignation .Besides,the dominant colors are red,black and white . They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing .Indeed,he(4) embodies flawlessness,innocence as showed in a part of his(4) face,which is covered in(9) white coat,made of real feathers,to make this picture more near us(10),like the white pupil of his(4) eyes.(11)

    However,the fox has the fur of the left part of its face,side which symbolizes bad, torn,showing us that way its hisskin(12),flesh and his(13) blood. That proves us cruelty and madness of men of(13) which animals undergo .

    Remarque générale.
    Merci de revoir toutes les marques de ponctuation et d’enlever les espaces en trop ou en ajouter là où ils manquent.
    Rappel de ces règles.
    A-Il n’y a pas d’espace entre la dernière lettre d’un mot et la ponctuation.
    B-Il y a un espace entre lla ponctuation et la première lettre du mot suivant.
    J’imagine que vous ne le faites pas exprès, mais c’est vraiment handicapant.

    (1) Passage correct. Vous pouvez supprimer le commentaire en français.
    (2) Conjugaison.
    (3) A supprimer. Vous l’exprimez dans le reste de votre phrase.
    (4) C’est un animal. Personnifier les animaux est une tentation compréhensible, mais à laquelle il faut résister.
    (5) J’aurais tendance à accepter « them », mais vous parlez au départ de l’audience, et ici vous parlez des gens qui la composent. Il y a peut-être une façon de mieux tourner ça, mais je ne sais pas comment.
    (6) « Live » à modifier.
    (7) Supprimer "make" + conjuguer correctement keep + placer "us" au bon endroit
    (7 Bis) Conjugaison. Quel est le sujet ?
    (8) Ce n’est pas « of »
    (9) Ce n’est pas in. Il manque peut-être aussi un mot en plus de celui qui doit remplacer « in »
    (10) Mal dit. A revoir.
    (11) Comme vous l’a dit here4u, la phrase est très longue. Il faut la revoir.
    (12) « hisskin » ne veut rien dire. Je pense que vous avez laissé trainer « his » par erreur.
    (13) A supprimer

    En espérant vous être utile.
    Cordialement



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 07-11-2014 à 10:19:46 (S | E)
    D'accord, merci beaucoup ! Je finis ce soir à 18h00,je vous réponds dès que je rentre! Par contre,est-ce que les 2 autres parties sont correctes ?



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 07-11-2014 à 18:42:29 (S | E)
    Bonsoir,
    Voici la correction du part 2 .Je dois avoir terminé ce soir car le travail est a rendre pour demain

    Besides, in the middle of the ad, we can note the visuals which give us the feeling that we are entering a new world, dark and bad,entering Hell. In the background, we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us, the audience, with big sad, distressful and suffering eyes, to make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being, with feelings and which like us can suffer. Moreover, white pearls are used to represent its pupils and make this picture of a fox, alive, as if it were just next to the audience, watching us. So its look reminds us of ittoo, is alive. The presence of white surrounded by dark keeps us hoping. Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure. Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note its pain, sorrow and death throes but also itspowerlessness to be able to defend itself because of its weakness, fragility and innocence and prompt anger which makesits eyes blaze by (???) indignation. Besides, the dominant colors are red,black and white. They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing. Indeed,it embodies flawlessness,innocence as showed in a part of its face,which is covered by white coat,made of real feathers. That is meant to make this picture near us,like the white pupil of its eyes. However, the fox has the fur of the left part of its face, side which symbolizes bad, torn, showing us that way its skin, flesh and its blood. That proves us cruelty and madness of men which animals undergo.

    Merci,j'attends votre réponse !



    Réponse: Correction /description de celnesse, postée le 07-11-2014 à 21:27:46 (S | E)
    ?



    Réponse: Correction /description de persona, postée le 08-11-2014 à 01:49:31 (S | E)
    Bonjour ,
    Ma réponse arrive peut-être trop tard mais je me lance.

    Besides,( we can note the visual in the middle of the ad), which give us the feeling that we are entering a new world, dark and bad,entering Hell. In the background, we can notice an enormous fox face looking at us, the audience, with big sad, distressful and suffering eyes, to (supprimer "to" le verbe doit etre conjugue dans la phrase)make us realize that this animal is not only a coat but also a living being, with feelings and which like us can suffer "can suffer like US" préférer les phrases simples, courtes). Moreover, ( article the)white pearls are used ( revoir "used to" et "use") to represent its pupils and make this picture of a fox, alive, as if it were just next to the audience, watching us. So its look reminds us of ittoo, is alive. The presence of white surrounded by dark keeps us hoping. Hoping that one day men will stop and become aware of the crime that they commit just to satisfy their pleasure. Since the left eye of the animal is red,we can note its pain, sorrow and death throes but also its powerlessness to be able to defend itself because of its weakness, fragility and innocence and prompt anger which makes its eyes blaze by (???) indignation. Besides, the dominant colors are red,black and white. They are contrasted colors which distinguish the different parts of this drawing. Indeed,it embodies flawlessness,innocence as showed in a part of its face,which is covered by white coat,made of real feathers. That is meant to make this picture near us,like the white pupil of its eyes. However, the fox has the fur of the left part of its face, side which symbolizes bad, torn, showing us that way its skin, flesh and its blood.(pas compris cette phrase, peut être "on" au lieu de "of) That proves us cruelty and madness of men which animals undergo.

    En espérant avoir aidé.




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